It's interesting the male alter of both of our Systems referred to our female alters as "female self." Even though we had not as yet been diagnosed with DID, at some level he and I must have sensed they were not personas of a solitary self.
Like you, Virginia has a much lower tolerance for pain than I do. Handling physical pain is part of my role in my System. Virginia handles psychological pain, my Child alter fear and my Protector rage. I have come to thrive on it from the years of guilt and self punishment, have used my ability quite constructively over my life to push me to my competitive edge. And it makes me the logical choice for host given I live in constant pain from degenerative scoliosis.
Virginia enjoys being around people more than me, but I did too when I was young. That said, most people perceive me to be an extrovert although my preference is to be alone. She and I both prefer a handful of close relationships to being social butterflies. As is generally the case with the contrasting characteristics of alters, people just accept our flipflopping back and forth as an idiosyncrasy without thinking much of it.
Authentic is extremely important to both me and Virginia, a reaction to the "non" authenticity of my parents. But my female alter's personality was so highly developed from the years she spent with other girls as a child and fronting for the System through junior high, being much more coconscious with me than I was of her there was really nothing she needed to do to "get up to speed" so she could front again. A few grooming changes, some clothes, a little makeup, develop her voice, but no learning per se'. I suspect this was the reason she was able to move so rapidly with the things that were important to her when she became self aware. I absolutely understand the need for a slow transition in your case to be certain all of the alters, especially the children, feel safe.
Virginia is and has always been extremely secure about who she is (many thanks to my Mother for instilling both of us with overwhelming self confidence). Although she enjoys expressing her femininity, she is only 13 and makes a game out of fooling people into thinking she is me by stepping in while I am fronting. The androgynous way we keep the body makes it extremely easy for us both to be accepted as the man/woman we are by simply coming to the front. When I am clean shaven I can literally walk into the mens room wearing jeans and a tee shirt, comb my hair differently and when Virginia comes to front on the way out people will see a female.
A few notes about my System:
None of my alters including me (host) are my body age of 54 although I am the oldest at ~30. It seems after my first wife was killed when I was in my late 20's my mind said it just didn't want to get any older...
I mentioned above that Virginia is bulimic. My Child alter rarely talks because he is self conscious of his stuttering. Two wives and 25 years of marriage, I have never been able to bring myself to have intercourse. It's amazing the things we can explain away...
I am extremely trans-homophobic from having been raped by an older boy. Given the fundamental difference in my System being cisgender and yours being transgender, it's easy to understand why our paths began to diverge from here. My Inner Self Helper made sure Virginia and I reached our balance long before it began to reveal to me the things that happened when I was a child. As alters she and I are female/male to fill our rolls in my System- hormones can't affect that. Testosterone is no more poisonous to Virginia than estrogen is to me, of course I happen to be fortunate to be in a body consistent will my identity as an alter. The complete lack of psychological effects and desire to transition I experience having been on a full transition level HRT regimen for almost 5 years now makes no sense from a transgender point of view. From the perspective of reducing Virginia's body dsyphoria by making it more closely resemble the way it was when I was ~13 and chemical castration to meet my System's need as a trauma victim to end the cycle of abuse once and for all, it becomes clear why HRT gave me peace for very different reasons.
Beth Andrea rote:
is it possible that you are transgender (even though you currently deny it), and you (or your male self) see it as a threat? Hence the refusal and the later "restrictions" on Virginia? (Understandable, considering the "world" you've created--a good one).
Just as the transsexual will transition, the System will do what the System must do for the good of the Self. I had no idea when Virginia first became self aware it was not possible, but she certainly threatened to takeover. Five years later I still kid myself that as host that I have some control over my alters, but the reality is I was no more able to restrict Virginia when she first became self-aware (or now) than she is able to restrict me. Decision like that are made at a level above both of our pay grades by my ISH.
My System's need to express itself as female is wholly contained in my female alter. I thrive on being a guy as much as she thrives on being a girl (I hate to keep leaving my other three alters out of this discussion but they just don't have the narcissistic needs to express themselves as we do). My MMPI-II/MCMI-III inventories indicated that I was not only gender dysphoric to a level indicating MTF SRS, but to a level indicating FTM SRS. The changes Virginia needed when she first became self aware were tearing me to shreds. It was even worse when we attempted to find a middle ground with an androgynous appearance. It was just as important to her as it was to me that there was no question in how people saw us; it stood squarely in the face of both of our needs for "authenticity." It was at this point my ISH revealed to us both the best balance was compartmentalization so Virginia could be 100% female as much as she needed and I could be 100% male the rest.
My trauma therapist has observed that between Virginia and I we "almost" make a whole person. The way my mind not only split up feelings but abilities between us, we are each incapable of living without the other. What ultimately made this clear for us both was each of us in turn attempting to take over the body. I made it almost 30 days before I had devolved into a state of complete dissociation. She made it a week before she simply disappeared (My psychologist was FURIOUS at me for attempting this stunt). Virginia is not strong enough to front more than 2 days a week on a regular basis, and she is happy to turn things back over to me, experiencing life coconsciously and occasionally bleeding though if something triggers her the rest of the time. I plod along the other 5 days exactly as I have for the last 54 years.
Virginia made her needs clear to my System before I even started therapy. Five years of a transition level estrogen regimen, therapy, diagnoses of transsexual, androgyne, bigender, PTSD and finally DID; giving Virginia 2 out of 7 days a week to live her life continues to be the balance that meets the needs of the entire System. The Solitary Self does not win when one part gains at another's expense.
