deep stealth and relationships

[many]

Hello everyone, Im two years post op and living deep stealth. How do you deal with situations when a friend meets you a man who wants to have a relationship with you and he is not aware of your past? There will be a time that you must tell to this man about your past and this will out you to your common friends too.

[Evolving Beauty]

First you need to pinpoint what type of man is he

3 TYPES OF STRAIGHT MEN

1. He's the type who will accept you no matter what as he loves your personality inside.
2. He will accept you ONLY if you are operated down there.
3. You can be the most beautiful post-op in the world but they will never accept you no matter what cos they are extreme homophobics/bigots as to them you were 'born a MAN' (as they say it)

1 & 2 you can thrash out but number 3 type is a no no if you don't wanna lose him but this is a personal choice and up to you. I have friends who never told their partners even after 1 year as their past is their past and they don't find it relevant to say as many don't like to complicate things and boggle their partner's head cos theyll start questioning themselves if they are 'gay' and that sort of things if you see what mean. And majority of stealths hate associating with that 'trans' thing, to them they have a vagina and they are a woman, PERIOD!

[PinkCloud]

I know a girl who is 10 years post-op, and just recently told everyone around them. Not sure why she did that. I can't really imagine being so extremely passable that no one will ever know. Some girls probably are, good for them. But for me it isn't possible I guess. That said, I accept my trans status so I probably don't have to hold any secrets. I am who I am and if I show a few hints of being trans, it is fine with me. I transitioned for myself, not to please others. I started my transition when I was 32.

[Dahlia]

3. You can be the most beautiful post-op in the world but they will never accept you no matter what cos they are extreme homophobics/bigots as to them you

How about them being 100% straight by their very nature and entitled to have the right to be just that?

[Emily1996]

How about them being 100% straight by their very nature and entitled to have the right to be just that?

No that's just plain stupid, men attracted to trans women are 100% straight, and they justify their not wanting to be with a trans woman just with being born with the wrong chromosomes... And they do make transphobic comments about it. Really if the reason was that they are just not attracted to trans women or want to have bio children in the future, then whatever really, but that's not it. Most of the time, those straight men by their very nature as you are saying, they are the ones that will abuse trans women because they feel tricked by their passability, and they were attracted by them without knowing they were trans.

[Susan522]

Hello everyone, Im two years post op and living deep stealth. How do you deal with situations when a friend meets you a man who wants to have a relationship with you and he is not aware of your past? There will be a time that you must tell to this man about your past and this will out you to your common friends too.

This is an important question and I think that it should be approached from the POV of where it is being asked....and, by whom.  The OP is two years post-op, and apparently 'deep-stealth'.  This is a much different situation and state of reality from someone who is just starting out. 

It sounds like to me that the OP is asking about a situation wherein she has been introduced to a man by a friend who is unaware of her past.  She seems to be concerned that being honest with her man, (when the time is right and/or it comes to that), she will be 'outed' to her friend, and possibly the rest of their social environment,

This is a serious concern and raises the stakes of such an intimate disclosure.  It comes down to a judgment call.  The OP needs to discern if her potential lover loves her enough and appreciates her love enough to see beyond her past and keep her confidence.

There is no easy answer,  There is always a risk.

In my experience, and yes, I have in fact been in this situation many times, it really does depend on the man and the depth of the relationship.

[many]

Susan522 understands exactly what Im saying. So the answer is not that easy when being deep stealth and personal relationship  involves with social relations.
Ok there might be some technical issues that can be overcome like lack of lubrication and scar marks but over time this might be very anxious. I might handle it depending on the man i have in front of me. I believe I will just say I cannot have children at first....
I think there is a topic about how to handle situations and what to answer to an unaware man.
Sorry for my English!

[suzifrommd]

I'm not stealth, so take my answer with a grain of salt, but when I've met people I've wanted to date, it very quickly becomes impossible to talk about my past honestly without the person knowing that I used to be male. Of course, my kids are a big part of my life, and I was married to a woman for more than 20 years, so gendered events comprise a lot of my past.

[Susan522]

I agree with Suzi that the age at which one transitions and also the amount of 'history', (marriages, job, children etc), has a lot to do with how well one can transition into the desired life of 'normalcy', (a conventional marriage, children, stc.), which many young aspire to.  This is not to say that this is THEE goal of everyone. many of whom have other goals and desires.  I just get the sense that this is what the OP might be asking about.  If this is the case and I am correct in my assessment, then my advice to the OP would be to try to delay any 'compromising' positions until there is a clearer understanding of just where this relationship might go.

I sense this OP is relatively young and so there is time to better get to know any potential lovers.  Yes there are many men who would react poorly to being "fooled" or deceived and so while I have always believed that 'honesty is the best policy', I also believe that judgment must be exercised and used to weigh the consequences.

Saying one cannot have children is a good conversation starter when the conversation heads in the direction of a long term commitment as it open the door to a discussion of those particular 'medical issues'.  Again IMHO, it really comes down to where the relationship is going.  Certainly some "technical issues" such as "scars and lube", can be dealt with in the short term, but for deep, lasting commitment to grow, all your cards will eventually have to be placed on the table.

It is both terribly frightening and ultimately rewarding to expose oneself to such vulnerability, but in my experience, unless and until that happens, that deep rooted love and commitment might be very hard to find.

[pretty pauline]

In my experience, and yes, I have in fact been in this situation many times, it really does depend on the man and the depth of the relationship.

Absolutely, every situation is different, but it really does depend on the man and the depth of the relationship, you know when it's time to disclose when you really get to know the guy.

[ForeverGiselle]

I been completly stealth before and from personal experience, it's just better to be honest regardless.  It save you a tons of trouble and a tons of heartbreaks. I know it's easier said then done, trust me. LOL. I dated stealth and dated non-stealth and from experience, it will just depend on the guy but overrall, it's just better to be honest and stay true to yourself.

My first boyfriend, he knew about my trans status before I even told him.  He found out through another close friend of mine. When I came out to him, he said he knew and he never said anything because he wanted me to tell him myself whenever I was ready.  He dated for a while and broke up eventually since we weren't the right fit. He didn't care about my trans status because I was just another girl in his eyes. 

The second guy I was involved with, I decided not to tell right away because I thought it be better if he got to know me first. I went on a couple date with him and told him two weeks later after our fourth date. He was devastated and told me he had no idea and that I lied/tricked him. He said he would try to make it work and few days later, sent me a text saying he respect who I am but he is just not into transexual or transgender people.  He also told me I shouldn't have lead him on and should have revealed that in the very begining.  We parted ways after that. 

The third guy I was involved with, I decided to be completly stealth and not tell him at all partially because I just wanted to flirt and be friends. Well, that was a big mistake. He was sweet and kind and eventually, I fell for him and fell for me.  I felt super guilty because I didn't tell him I was trans and I felt like I was keeping a big part of who I am a secret.  He told me all his secrets and I felt really really bad.  Let's just say I was a big coward...I was so scared to tell him that I decided to break away from him just so I didn't have to tell him.  I told him I wasn't ready and that I don't think we are a good fit for each other one day.  Boy, he got upset.  He said he really liked me and couldn't understand what he did wrong.  I didn't respond and eventually, he let go after getting no response from me for several days.  Yeah, I couldn't bring myself to tell him.  I just couldn't.  I know I was selfish.  I liked him so much that I was so afraid that when he finds out about my trans status, he would leave me so I decided to just let him go first.  I figured it would be less painful. 

What I learn from all these experience is that you just have to be open and honest from the begining because that will just save you trouble.  If it meant to be, it will happen.

[Dread_Faery]

Any good relationship is based on trust, actively hiding something from a partner is stressful and usually means that the relationship will fail in short order, either via them being upset that you couldn't trust them, or from the stress of hiding that part of you from them.

[Nicole]

I haven't told a single guy I've seen, dated my last boyfriend for 3 years.

I pretty much let the guy know on the first date that I cannot have kids, if pressed on that I tell them I was in a car crash as a kid (which I was) and there was damage.

None of my family since the day I came out think of me as ever being male, I restarted my life when I came out thanks to mum moving interstate, the few people who do know I trust more than anything and I've never been "clocked".
It's not lying, it's just not telling the whole truth.

[many]

I  would like to upload some photos of my srs result to get some opinions. Can you help me where to post?

[Nicole]

I dare say that that's against the rules

[Jill F]

I  would like to upload some photos of my srs result to get some opinions. Can you help me where to post?

Anywhere but here.  Posting pictures of that nature is not allowed here, as stated in ToS rule 5.

[Northern Jane]

I am over 40 years post and for the first 6 years or so I was deep stealth - nobody except my doctor knew - and I was happy with things that way. Even my first husband didn't know about my childhood until after we split. He was extremely angry that I had not told him. (It didn't help that some snoopy reporter broke the story in the newspaper - it was 1976 and it was news in those days.)

I met my second husband 4 years later and decided that it would be better that he knew about my past before we became too deeply invested in the relationship and he became my biggest supporter and defender. He was very understanding and sympathetic.

Ever since then, my closest friends know about my childhood but they accept me as a woman who was born with a medical problem.

It is nice to be seen as "a natural born woman" but life is far more comfortable not hiding a secret. I also find that others give it as much weight as YOU do - if you just take it in stride, so will most everyone else.

[Evolving Beauty]

(It didn't help that some snoopy reporter broke the story in the newspaper - it was 1976 and it was news in those days.)

OMG Jane I'm so sorry to hear about this. You had quite of serious dramas in your life in the 70's. I always knew your other stories as you tried to attempt suicide and sharp the moment your guardian angel speaking in your head and told you not to and the next week a miracle happened you managed to operate. But this one I never heard, this should have been terrible.

[Brasileira]

Well thanks god I have a happy ending story. I was with my boyfriend  (which is now my husband ) for 2 months and a half before telling him, it was really really hard to tell it I was totally afraid of what would be his reaction... só after drinking 3 glasses of wine I tried it but I know it may sound unbelievable but I'm not post-op I'm still pre-op and yes believe me for 2 months we had Sex almost every day sometimes more than one time per day and he never found it out himself  all he used to say was that I was I really tight woman and every time he asked to make  oral on me I was always full of excuses like I'm extremely shy or next week after I shave myself  and so on ( very hard to hide but I'm  extremely good in that, I'm  full of secret technic  ) so we are from different countries and I had a Visum of 3 months  and was already 2 months and half, in this time he was extremely depressive that I had to fly back home and I also thought that when I let him know the truth he would hate me and stop the suffering  so well I started : - I love you really really much but we can't be together anymore, we can't have kids and I can't marry you!
He was totally scared and said: - what are you talking about? are you crazy?
I said: - No.  I'm not crazy!  but I'm a very bad person and you deserve someone better than me!
I did something really bad with you and after you find it out you will never forgive me!
He was really scared and said: - you are scaring me tell me what is it!
in my heart I was wishing so much that he knew that already and just didn't want to tell me so I said: - don't you know it already? have you never noticed something strange?
he was already impatient and said:- please let me know what is it... Did you sleep with my father?
I was shocked that he thought something like this and then I realized that he really had no idea of me, I answered : - No.  I would never do something like this with you but it is much worse than this!
He said: - Were you a prostitute in your past time?
I answered: - No.  I am a tra...tran. .. - and just could not complete and finally said : - I AM A TRANSSEXUAL!
His first reaction was laugh then he said my name and said : - you have drinking too much wine and have a delirium this is not possible, after I saying many times that I was telling him the truth cause he thought I was only saying that that we break up and that I didn't love him and was using this as excuse  he realized I was telling the truth I was crying  a lot he put my head on his lap and said it is ok I love you in this moment I cried more and finally felt free, he stood up smoked 3 cigarettes and said he was really confused, I said to him that I would understand if he says he didn't want to go on with our relationship, then he said I want you I love you but in the moment I'm really confused I need time... well he had his time but we were living in the same house and sleeping together of course without sex for 3 days  after 3 days he said again he loves me and wanted to marry me and we kissed and went to the bad to make love...   but it didn't happend cause he didn't work in that part if you know what I mean... I was totally said but I was really bad to him and was getting my payback... The man I love don't feel horny for me anymore... but as we know God is great and in the next morning he woke up with full gas and was wonderful it was for me like the first time with him. This happend 2 Years ago and today we are married and I will have my OP on February or March next year  we are very happy and I hope we keep it till the end of our lives.

[Brasileira]

I just forget to write that he wanted me to prove that I was a tanswoman and show him the "you know what" and I said he could ask anything but never ask me to see what is between my legs never,  and I showed him my passport  which show M in the birth Sex.  Unfortunately I always lied to the men which I wanted not really a lie. I'm  a woman with problems  and for God never had problems with that only one or two times the guys were very angry but we talked and all ended up good. When we have a good heart, are interesting people and they have feelings for us magic things can happen and we can be surprised with very positive results. but please I was completely crazy doing all this things this time I could also be dead but it was always stronger than me and we never know unless we try it.