Apologies for the long post. I have a lot to get off my chest.
I've had a very tough time lately. I've been wracked by so many emotions. It's been a whirlwind. It feels like the identity that seemed so solid for the last 6 months or more has crumbled. It feels like someone has put a knife in my guts and gone round in circles mixing everything up inside me. I haven't slept properly or eaten much for just over a week. I've lost 2kg. I can't stop crying.
I've been feeling a huge range of emotions, but these keep popping up:
* Angst – I'm not entirely sure where this has come from. Maybe it's more anxiety. I just feel on edge the whole time.
* Nausea and lack of appetite – Probably due to anxiety.
* Guilt – I feel guilty for messing with people at work and for messing with the emotions of close family.
* Fear, Worry and at times Panic – I am fearful of what kind of future awaits a non-op trans woman.
* Inauthenticity – I feel fake. I have to wear make-up to pass. I am dependent on medication for the rest of my life.
* Confusion and Self-doubt – The very identity that felt rock solid for so long no longer feels there, and I feel like I no longer know who I am.
* Exhaustion – I did feel exhausted frequently before this week, which may be down to adjusting to the lack of testosterone in my system. Of course the lack of sleep has made this worse.
* Deja vu – I've felt the fear, confusion and self-doubt before at around exactly the same time of year back in 2012. I ended up de-transitioning and then re-transitioning/continuing.
That last one (deja vu) has prompted me to also go back through pictures and files of 2013, when I lived as (a pretty genderqueer) male. I've also spoken to many friends who have memories of how I was at that time. One friend in particular was very supportive of me during that time (and still is to this day). I became deeply depressed around July/August 2013. There must have been some element of dysphoria involved, because I remember seeing a counsellor between July and September 2013, and discussing re-transition/continuing transition with them. They were by no means a gender specialist and I'd been to see them about my depression. I remember they were adamant that I should not transition.
I can't remember when it was date-wise, but I remember I ended up at the end of a station platform with no barriers between there and the fast intercity line the other side, and I began to think about walking out and in front of one of those fast trains. This reminded me of how I felt pre-transition, and it really scared me at the time to find myself thinking like this again. It's a shame I can't remember when that was, because it was a pivotal moment. In September or October 2013, I went back on a small dose of oestrogen, and I started to feel better. I had originally intended to continue living as genderqueer, but as time went on that seemed to change, and I ended up increasing my oestrogen dose back to the levels it was at in 2012. I know that I still identified as genderqueer in December 2013 when I changed my name to the gender neutral one I still use today. In March 2014, when I saw a gender specialist counsellor, I think I still identified as such, too. I certainly remember wearing very gender neutral clothing. At some point between then and June when I started anti-androgens, I had obviously once again started to identify as binary female.
If I continue transition, the realities of living as non-op, or only having had an orchidectomy, as would be the way I'd most likely go, would make finding a partner more difficult. Loneliness is a big problem among trans people as it is. I've also found it very difficult and uncomfortable to be intimate with anyone. I also worry, as above, about having contact with my son cut off even more so than the amount it has already been limited by my ex.
Why do I feel inauthentic or fake? This is a bit of a red flag for me. Transition is supposed to help you live your true self. If that doesn't feel authentic then it's not your true self, and something has gone very wrong. I may be feeling this way because I've gone too much one way in my presentation and no longer feel genderqueer enough. I may have just got into a rut and got sick of having to wear make-up to pass, and got exhausted. I do seem to have lost my usual pride in my appearance lately. The other thing is a feeling that being dependent on medication for the rest of my life somehow makes me less authentic, which is silly, but I can't seem to shake that feeling. Especially silly considering I was dependent on anti-depressants so much pre-transition (and arguably they didn't completely solve things).
I wonder if my current confusion is due to my internal identity actually being more genderqueer than female. I've had some serious thoughts about de-transition, although I have decided for now to leave that decision until at least January next year, as that's when my next anti-androgen injection will last until. I'll see how I feel between now and then. I no longer feel that I want to de-transition, although that feeling does come back from time to time. I think it's more connected to the feelings of inauthenticity, worries about the future, and about hurting family members emotionally.
If I do de-transition, it's highly likely after over a year that I'm infertile. This never used to bother me, but the fears of having contact with my son cut off has made it more of an issue. It's not 100% certain. After de-transition previously, I did produce sperm again, but that was after a shorter time on HRT, and not being on anti-androgens. I also have some breast tissue. Not much, but it is noticeable. This doesn't bother me so much as it would fit with any genderqueer presentation anyway, and I prefer having them to not, but still. Can i even cope mentally without oestrogen? Would I need a small dose as before?
