16, high school junior, transguy. Sorry for the long post i just needed to vent
For a long time I've been stuck in this limbo where I can't bring myself to be happy for longer than a couple of hours. Compared to other people, I definitely have the better end of the stick. I'm out to my teachers and everyone calls me by the right names/pronouns but, i'm not out to my parents. (Luckily they rarely ever check school phone calls/e-mails since I have pretty good grades and never get into trouble). I'm also allowed to change in the nurse's bathroom, and although its usually stinking up from some kid's vomit, its better than nothing. I know I should be grateful to even have the liberty to be able to wear the clothes I prefer and even a place to change in school when other trans kids aren't as fortunate as me, but I still feel miserable most of the time.
I'm tired of going to school where I'm constantly made fun of. I don't have any friends because I'm socially awkward as hell and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone. I rarely ever change anyways because I have to walk past a crowd of kids to get changed and then back out. I don't pass though. 9 out of 10 times because I'm really curvy and I have the girliest face. When someone needs my attention they'll always "miss" me and the 1 rare person who does think I'm a guy will immediately switch pronouns the second I open my mouth. I'm already pretty underweight but I'm been losing more weight lately because I'm too scared that I'll get even curvier if I eat. I keep having nightmares about my transition/dysphoria that keep me awake at night, and I don't have the energy to wake up in the morning anymore. My dysphoria is hitting its all-time low where I can't take showers without feeling like I'm going to seriously vomit. I dont think anyone could ever love me because im just so ->-bleeped-<-ed up. my legs and arms are full of scars my body is just disgusting and i just cant function around other people without making a total idiot out of myself. Thinking about my dysphoria and future stresses me out. ive been having intense mood swings that cause these hysterical crying fits that I can't control and Im always having suicidal thoughts and i feel like I'm absolutely going mental. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to go to school anymore or outside for that matter because I don't pass and I feel like im geting stared at all the time like people are trying to figure me out and i just cant handle it anymore.
I used to be so positive and used to think about how happy I'd be in the future when I go on T or get top surgery, but even that doesn't work anymore. I honestly don't even think I'm going to be able to live to see that anymore. Even if i go on hormones, what if I still don't pass? What if my expectations are too high? I don't know how I'd be able to deal with that. Not to mention bottom surgery isn't even perfected yet and Idk. It sounds stupid but I feel like I can't live with myself I'f I'm never going to have a functional penis. I should be happy that we even have the technology to make some of this stuff possible but my bottom dysphoria is so horrible its killing me.
Coming out to my parents is going to be awful. I don't think they'd kick me out but they're not going to take it nicely. They already make fun of my for dressing like a guy and I don't think I can handle the criticism when I come out. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just don't see myself ever being happy because I wasn't born as a normal guy. If i was cis, I wouldn't have to worry about any of this.
