I feel I have been really punished

[alyona]

I have never posted in such a forum but probably should have. English is not first language so apologies.

Born and declared a girl. Brought up as middle sister of three as girl and a damned pretty one too! Loved my life but at some point following an attempt by uncle to mess with me a doctor discover I was 'incomplete' within my outer labia. (residual vagina). At ten father took me to another 'specialist' who declared I was XXY and actually according to him, a boy. Later I found I was mosaic. Was separted from mother and sisters and hair cut and forced into trying to be boy. At 13 was given male hormones and there I have been stuck for 59 years.

I landed up as very 'beautiful man' with no male strength and still had to sit down to pee. Completely isolated in so many ways with constant fear of being 'found out' that I looked like a girl down there. I stopped male hormone as soon as I could (about 19, I think) then had small breasts develop which I have had to hide ever since.

I had a lifetime being chased by women for wrong reasons, fearful of being called a homosexual as illegal in my country until 10 years ago. I still feel completely a girl inside and have cried most days for what was forced on me and hate men in general. I have strong feelings for women however.

Was a pilot in my life which is one thing I could do very well but am still filled with white hot anger on what was forced on me despite screaming and protestations.

I have had a lifetime of shame, yearning, hurt and anger. I hope others will never experience what I have been through.

[mrs izzy]

Alyona,

Welcome to Susan's family
Check out the IS boards here at Susans for others who no more personally your experences. Pull up a chair and give a look over the following links for the site info...

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Safe passage on your path, popcorn?

Izzy

Ps. one last thing, hugs.

[emilyking]

I am so sorry to hear that.  That's just sounds so awful.
In a remote way, I know how it's like to be forced into something your not.

Thankfully but unfortunately for me, my mom raised my brother and I in a gender neutral environment.
I had a lot of confusion growing up.  When I was 14, I learned about transsexuals and figured that's what I was.
Fast forward to July of last year, to when I came out as a transsexual.  I started noticing that on or off estrogen, I didn't feel any different.  So I started digging.

My brother told me about a friend of his, who was XXY and at first that seemed so, but I have high t count even on blockers.  Which lead me to AIS.  I got my results back a week ago.  I don't have any known variations of the AR gene, but I do have an unknown variation.

Anyways, I hope you can find the peice you are searching for.  And I agree, NO ONE should ever have to go through that.

[alyona]

Thank you for that Emily. I am not even sure about my chromosomes as I doubt my country cares or is that competant. I did have scan and found I have no testes undescended, no prostate but residual ovaries and 'unformed womb' therefore I am actually female.  I have no testosterone  more than any female but have now started low bone density.

I now want to start oestrogen course but have no idea what I should take or where to get it as again not really available here for someone like me.

[emilyking]

Well, first off your intersexed, not a transsexual (I know it sounds bad, however in some countries it matters.), and since you can prove your developed more as female, you should be able to at least talk to a doctor about it.  You might be able to transion with ease since some countries might recognized as a female with XXY.

[alyona]

I just do not know any more. My female partner talked me into a test last year and I cam out XX! I think I just have to stay ambiguous.

[Indoctrinated]

Welcome to Susans!

I just hope you find freedom in knowing yourself, in learning that you're a human being and that you desearve to to be happy at last.

[alyona]

Thank you for those kind words

[emilyking]

Well, do whatever makes you happy, and feels right to you.
I'm not saying it will be easy thou.  Since your health is involved, you really should consult with a doctor.
Just talk to them, and ask questions.

Best wishes,
Rudy

[alyona]

Emily

Sadly, where I am I am unable to talk to a doctor. I never have and luckily have had good health. My only option would be to change countries but that is not so easy as we now have cold war again. As usual, I shall have to go it alone.

For people who live in the West. they have no idea that other places are not like their own.

[JoDavanee]

Hi Alyona!

I can actually relate quite well here I think..?

I'm 46xx/47xxy, which sounds like you have the same mosaic karyotype? I also have OT/DSD.

I was especially female looking until 25 (31 now) when I began taking T. Ive always identified as female, but I thought my feelings were wrong and hid them, despite my body being different from everybody else.. I had just assumed I was different but still male. I had no idea what intersex was at the time... But eventually found out all the truth, and it hit me like a brick wall!

I stopped taking testosterone about a month and a half ago as I'm trying to transition. I was somewhat forced to stop since T was making me feel worse.

The important thing is to what's best for you.. Not everyone else. Because after all it's your body and your life!

XOXY <3

[JoDavanee]

Oh! And being intersex you should absolutely be able to see an endocrinologist with no questions asked.. This is a birth condition and nothing else.. Get your hormones corrected because believe me it's very dangerous to not.

[alyona]

If only.

I do not live in West and have still very powerful family (cousins) who would not accept any scandal and I cannot afford to go even to doctor with problem. I would have to go somewhere else and it would become a huge mess. I have to take risk and do on own. I have hardly ever gone to doctor in my life for fear of this.  Worst risk is embolism or thrombosis and at my age, I feel would rather take risk trying to put things right rather than carry on. Have felt life as I am is over anyway.

Thank you JoDavanee. I am so glad you managed to put you life back together. I wish I had been able to.

Алена

[Cindy]

Dear Alyona,

My deepest sympathy for being in such a bind. I'm sending you a link to the Intersex society in my country (Australia). I was wondering that if you contacted them be email that they may be able to guide you through the process in your country and may know of specialists there who could help you.

This is the website address:
http://oii.org.au/

[alyona]

Thank you Cindy. I doubt that Australia has contacts in my country. As you realise we are effectively at war with West now and things are very difficult.

IMO; testosterone fuelled pissing contests and greed between politicians and industrialists of both sides

I will take look at website. Love Oz and wished I could live there near Adelaide. I am actually half breed between Ru and India and would love to join Indian community in Oz but not a chance! I am devout Hindu which makes all these things even harder.

I have had  positive things too. I married a beautiful Indian woman (who was homosexual) and we had wonderful same sex relationship for years while I outwardly made whole thing 'respectable' for us both.  She died with breast cancer some years back and sometimes I just want to join her.

I also got to test fly some amazing aircraft and built up over 6000 hours as a pilot in command. I found that when flying I became part of airplane and had a 'oneness' with them and up there lost all concepts of personal identity and problems I have on ground. 

Being older, males and females seem to look more and more alike in any case!
best

[JoDavanee]

OII has quite a lot of groups all over the world, Alyona.. I agree that contacting them is likely one of the best things you could do.. Trust me, finding a support group that big for being IS alone is a big help!

I really hope you can sort it out, darling.. It's no fun going through that alone. But we're all here to help you if you need it. <3