ty phase

[primrose]

In the past two months I've been feeling very depressed and my self-esteem plummeted dramatically as I broke up with a guy I was in love with. I don't know what possessed me but I started drinking and going out to clubs at weekends and making out with random guys. I would go with my friend and wait for a guy to start dancing with me and regardless of what he looks like I'd let him grope me and what not. I'd do this with several guys on one night. Once things get too heated I just make my way out of the club as quickly as possible. Basically I act like a . The thing is I feel horrible and dirty the following day. In my every day life I'm quite reserved and shy and my dysphoria is very high as I feel ugly and clocky all the time apart from times like this when I'm drunk and making out with someone.

I don't know why I'm posting this I suppose I needed to rant and if someone else has been in a similar state please share your experience or advice!

[traci_k]

Hon, I think many of us want to be desired and be affirmed as attractive. Having been a not so attractive male and although I may not be as an attractive female as others, I feel I may do somewhat as you do, act the . Having been in a sexless marriage, touch and affection are things all humans crave and if we have to be a ty to get it, that's what we may do. There's probably better ways of fulfilling those desires but that is something you'd probably have to talk to a therapist about. I can't help you there.

Hugs,

[Nicole]

I hate the word , in this case I would say you're trashy, not y.
I've got a very healthy and active sex drive, however I keep my wits about me, I make the moves, I control things.
I would be very careful with what you're doing, you might be ok with it now, but guys will get a vibe about you, they'll start talking about you and they'll start mistreating you.
It can and does lead to trouble, some guys think they earn the right to f*** you, not have sex with you, but f*** you (notice the difference?).

[Emmaline]

Do not shame yourself or let anyone else for that matter.

You are not acting ty, you are satisfying your need for affection and to be desired.  Don't stop, but go into it knowing why you are doing it, that the guy is lucky to be kissing you, and if he wants more he must damned well prove to you that he values you  (For starters, prove he is no bigot).  If you say 'here, but no further' you are defending yourself.

Self respect babes.  It does NOT mean you need to act the blushing virgin.

Just take CONTROL of your sexuality and be proud.  If I was you, I would be out pashing myself silly too.

[ᴏɴᴇ ʟɪғᴇ ᴛᴏ ʟɪᴠᴇ ☆]

I've been there, believe me.

Freshman year my toxic mother was still in my life making me feel bad about myself, so I had really low self esteem and to validate that I was not worthless, that I was capable of being loved, by making out/doing sexual things with guys. It was my way of telling myself, "See? I'm not that bad if they're willing to do that with me". I'm wondering if maybe you're in the same spot.

That being said, the others are completely right--it's totally fine to express yourself sexually just as long as you still respect yourself and draw the line where you feel comfortable.

[Gothic Dandy]

It can and does lead to trouble, some guys think they earn the right to f*** you, not have sex with you, but f*** you (notice the difference?).

Off-topic...what is the difference? I use "f***" whenever I talk about sex, but I don't mean it in a demeaning way. Maybe I get away with it because I'm obviously female; I don't want to offend anyone when I start living as male. So can you describe the difference?

And what the heck, I'm appalled that any of you encouraged her to do behavior that clearly makes her feel unwell, in the name of political correctness. I clicked on this thread because I sense a "man-" phase coming on for me, and it's coming out of pride and self-love for having discovered my true identity. But this is different. It's completely different when that behavior comes out of feelings of shame, unworthiness, and despair. It's like self-harm.

[awilliams1701]

Before starting HRT I had a couple of times where I had my own ty phase and I constantly have a desire to look super hot even though I don't expect that to happen. I have a few ty outfits I only wear in private as well. It makes me feel amazing to be wearing them. I just can't look to hard in the mirror since I can't justify those outfits at my present stage of my transition.

However since I've started HRT, I've had days where I've woken up with an insatiable thirst to use "her" even though I'm pre-op. I find the idea of men gross and disgusting, but on those days I don't care. Just blindfold me and I'd take anything.

[Vicky Mitchell]

Well I don't know much but it sounds like you are looking for attention or power. But at the cost of your body and reputation.  Sounds like a bad combo to me.  I would ask yourself this. Would do the same thing if you were sober.  The drinking can always make you do thing that feel right but are against your better judgment and hard to see that until the next day.   Try the same thing one night sober I am guessing the overall experience will be different.


Vicky

[TSJasmine]

No, I completely understand. There was a time when I felt the same way. It was because I was insecure in my transition & I was getting used to being completely gendered female in an open environment like that. I was having fun with it. I think many tgirls are vulnerable to this because we want to know we're doing our job right, so we look for it in the only way we know how. I may not have let myself get with guys I didn't find attractive, but I definitely did only go out to "trick" boys because it made me feel good. I would even post provocative photos online to make myself feel better. ->-bleeped-<-, I think if you even looked hard enough you could find a video of me in my panties because I wanted attention. We all do stupid things for attention. You grow out of it & learn what you really want in life. What made me stop was the fact that I knew it would come back to bite me in the ass with a future career if I kept it up. Life is difficult, but we can manage. You'll get through it 🙂

[Emmaline]

And what the heck, I'm appalled that any of you encouraged her to do behavior that clearly makes her feel unwell, in the name of political correctness.

Definitely not my motivation for encouraging her.  She should not be ashamed of her needs or acting on them.  She needs to cultivate her confidence, self worth and self respect.  Politics has nothing to do with getting a healthy view of your own sexuality.

Be safe hon, have fun, do it for the right reasons, and let them earn your affection.
😉

[Clhoe G]

I think Emmaline is on the money here, n said everything I would have said.
You have fun now primrose.

[jeni]

Off-topic...what is the difference? I use "f***" whenever I talk about sex, but I don't mean it in a demeaning way. Maybe I get away with it because I'm obviously female; I don't want to offend anyone when I start living as male. So can you describe the difference?

I'm not the one who said that, but I think I know what she was getting at. It's the difference between doing it "with" you and doing it "to" you. The former is a connection between two people, the latter is one masturbating using the other's body as a prop.

This isn't intrinsic to the words, at least not for everyone. I think it'd be more obvious if you heard her say the same thing out loud, the inflection would make the difference clearer.

To primrose, as others have said, don't shame yourself (or let others do it to you). Whether or not you feel comfortable co-opting that word to a neutral (or even positive) label, what you want to do and what you do with your body is your business. As long as you're not harming yourself or others, there's no "right" or "wrong" here. So, if you like dancing and teasing and being casually groped, more power to you. It's an exciting thought to me, to be honest, though I don't know if I'll ever want it to be more than a fantasy.

That said, some of your post sets off a couple red flags for me regarding your physical safety. You're doing the right thing to be doing this with a friend along, that is really important. Remember that, for a woman, situations that a man might not think twice about can be very dangerous. Most guys are ok, but there really are some bad guys out there who might take flirty behavior as an irrevocable sexual invitation or a sign that you're an object instead of a person.

So, have fun. Use and enjoy your body. Stay safe.

[transtastic]

There will come a time when you will want to leave your ty phase behind.
Just be careful not to ruin your reputation in a way you will have difficulties
handling in the future. What one can handle is individual, but for me it would
mean:
- if you're out seeing guys, don't do it in your home city.
- stay away from cameras. memories will fade, photos not so much.

[allisonsteph]

My ty phase lasted from the time I was 18 until I was 45. I started living full time in September 2013, two months before my 45th birthday. I started HRT in February 2014. I was abusing alcohol and prescription drugs and was in a toxic relationship. All hell broke loose in May 2014 and I wound up homeless after a 12 day hospitalization. This is when my ty phase ended. It has now been over six months since I have had sex, and I simply don't care.

The ty phase will pass, hopefully much sooner for you than it did for me.