82 Days of Spiro + E, how much of this breast growth is reversible?

[Nevara]

Basically I'm at the noticeable through a t-shirt phase of nipple buds. The buds have started to spread beyond points under the nipple if that makes sense.

Just wondering if I were to stop HRT, how much of this growth, if any, would go away?

[Randi]

It will virtually all go away, you never even really got started.

[Nevara]

Alright. Well that's somewhat reassuring. I kinda rushed into my transition before I was honestly ready for it and now I'm honestly doubting myself more than I want to go through with it.

[Cindy]

Are you seeing a therapist? They should be helping you with this.

[Nevara]

Are you seeing a therapist? They should be helping you with this.

I'm actually looking for a new one now.

My last one was a nice guy but honestly I don't think he was doing much but agreeing with anything I said. I've come to realize he was basically the opposite of a gatekeeper - he'd support whatever I told him and I don't think I heard a single honest opinion out of him.

It's probably part of the reason I found myself feeling like I dived headfirst into transition before I got my concerns and worries sorted out. Transitioning might still be the right choice for me... I just need to consider it a lot more than I have.

[Cindy]

This will probably cause a forum melt down

Never look at a therapist as a gate-keeper. Good therapists want to help, not to hinder. Yes there are idiots out there but the good ones are GOLD and well worthwhile.

I'm alive because.... a good therapist.

[FrancisAnn]

You have not done anything so no need to worry. Good luck.

[JoanneB]

This will probably cause a forum melt down

Never look at a therapist as a gate-keeper. Good therapists want to help, not to hinder.

Or what I call "Rubber Stampers". A one or two session step for that much needed CYA letter for the medical guys to get HRT.

Back to the OP. Twice in my early 20's I experimented with transitioning. Went on more feminizing doses of HRT. Twice I stopped for various reasons, with one of the biggest being seeing & feeling breast buds started freaking me out and went totally against the other desire just to be a normal guy. Well, boobs and sensing ED coming went well against that prime directive.

Within a couple of months of stopping nothing showed and certainly not felt. Having been a former fatty and always a tad gynocomastic, I can't say for certain everything went away.

As Cindy said, get thee to a real gender therapist. At least a better generalist who will challenge you, as in make you think about things more. Even better get you to verbally express what is locked away. It is amazing who much more powerfull words are when you hear yourself saying them.

Along that same though, find a nearby TG support group, or groups. Some tend to want only hetero TVs, other only TS's. Some are open to both. Groups are organic. THerefore, like people, all are different. If you lived out in the boonies like I did, options are non-existent. My "Local" group was 90 miles away but well worth the drive. The angels there helped me in turning my life around for the better.

[ImagineKate]

I agree on the therapist 100%.

Living in the NYC area I have very easy access to hormones - informed consent is the rule rather than the exception here and there are even a couple of non profit LGBT clinics that help you if you don't have insurance or good insurance. You can literally get it in one or two visits, but you sign paperwork saying you know what you're doing and talk to one of their counselors who will evaluate you. If you're sure of yourself that is a good route. Certainly it was the route for me.

But I felt I needed to talk to a professional first just to make sure, sort out my feelings and deal with my family. I am after all married with a wife and kids. I also come from a very transphobic country and culture. So I sought out a therapist.

I had one therapist who I saw for a few sessions. I had to drop her because she was ending her practice end of this year and doing mostly online sessions. She was moderately useful but we had issues, mainly follow up. But she did give me some good advice, such as talking to HR at work ahead of time and dealing with facial hair ASAP.

Anyway I ended up going with another therapist who is reputable in the NYC area. She also has a blog and twitter so she is connected and I can get a feel for how she is. I have no regrets going to this one. She is really understanding and follows up with you. She is also not afraid to challenge me. In other words she is not a rubber stamp, nor is she a gatekeeper or a roadblock. The only gripe I have is her office is further from the train, but what the heck, can't have everything.

So I think you need to look for someone like that. Everyone's preference is different of course but I feel that there must be a balance between accommodation and protecting you. Transition is a big step after all, and much of it is irreversible.

I am on the fence about support groups, but I am yet to try one. A trans friend of mine who has been living as a woman for more than 10 years told me she doesn't really like support groups because she doesn't really want to hear other people's problems. It sorta makes sense. At the same time I think that going to a support group can yield some useful help and forge friendships. Having friends, especially those who have been through the same thing you have is very important IMO. I am discovering this now and I think I will make it to a support meeting... honestly I have to try to make time as being a parent of school aged kids is kind of stressing and time consuming.

[JourneyFromConfusion]

I'm coming to comment on the therapist. Lol. I don't take E so I can't help but it seems reversible. With that said, my therapist is kinda like that. She doesn't necessarily always agree with me but rather asks questions to make me think. That's what made it click that "I do need to /want to transition". I'm very swayed by others' opinions so having a strongly staunch therapist would put me int he closet. Her asking questions, such as "If no one else were of concern, would you hesitate to transition", made me see that my insecurity in my transition had very little to do with my own hesitation, but more of what society would think of me. Best of luck.

[Nevara]

I'm coming to comment on the therapist. Lol. I don't take E so I can't help but it seems reversible. With that said, my therapist is kinda like that. She doesn't necessarily always agree with me but rather asks questions to make me think. That's what made it click that "I do need to /want to transition". I'm very swayed by others' opinions so having a strongly staunch therapist would put me int he closet. Her asking questions, such as "If no one else were of concern, would you hesitate to transition", made me see that my insecurity in my transition had very little to do with my own hesitation, but more of what society would think of me. Best of luck.

That's a nice thought, but unfortunately I don't live on an island by myself. I can't simply say "I want to be a woman so I will transition and disregard all the negative reactions I'll get".

There's nothing about me holding me back from transitioning, but you tell me you're so willing to jump into this knowing that unless my physical attributes match my expressed gender I will be treated like a leper and pretty much sabotage any life I might've had.

You tell me you wouldn't have hesitation when you're looking at one surgery after another. Talking about extreme facial surgeries and even more extreme genital surgeries just so I'm not seen as some freak in a dress by society. Tell me you wouldn't have hesitation when you've been raised with disdain for vanity even as far as a simple tattoo, your parents see this as a god damn fantasy no different than some girl getting a boob job for some vain and shallow insecurity, your friends think you're a joke.

[frances_larina]

That's a nice thought, but unfortunately I don't live on an island by myself. I can't simply say "I want to be a woman so I will transition and disregard all the negative reactions I'll get".

No, that's true.  But if you work through the introspection carefully and discover that indeed you are a woman, you may just find that those negative reactions typically come from people insecure in their own place in society.  Doesn't make it hurt less, but it does give their opinion  a certain reduction in gravity.  In the end, you may find that being your Self is far better than being *their* Self when it doesn't fit you.  Depends on who you feel you need to be, why, and for whom.   There are a whole lot of people out there somewhere that won't expect you to be just like them.  It's kinda nice when you discover them.

There's nothing about me holding me back from transitioning, but you tell me you're so willing to jump into this knowing that unless my physical attributes match my expressed gender I will be treated like a leper and pretty much sabotage any life I might've had.

Comes down to the question of whether that life would've been genuine, or not.  Maybe for you it can be.  A therapist can speed up the process of realizing who you are, sometimes by decades, but in the end it's still your call.  Few rational people give up security lightly.

You tell me you wouldn't have hesitation when you're looking at one surgery after another. Talking about extreme facial surgeries and even more extreme genital surgeries just so I'm not seen as some freak in a dress by society. Tell me you wouldn't have hesitation when you've been raised with disdain for vanity even as far as a simple tattoo, your parents see this as a god damn fantasy no different than some girl getting a boob job for some vain and shallow insecurity, your friends think you're a joke.

Find different friends if they think your pain is a joke.  Also, everyone should hesitate when it comes to surgery.  But just long enough to decide if it is right for them, if they can afford it, if they can recover from it, whether it will do what they need, and so on.  Often the decision is that the person doesn't need FFS, or maybe just a little.  Same with GRS/SRS.  And hrt.  Because not everyone fits the same gender roles and expressions, the same bodily expectations and relationship with the world around them.  There are people out here that value a certain non-conformity.  "Come to the dark side, we have cookies" and all that...

My folks didn't think of my wants and preferences as vanity; from their point of view it was insanity.   As in, "reparative therapy and if you don't stop, the psych ward".  Because in their world, I didn't fit.  Eventually, though, I grew up.  Moved out.  Disengaged from them and their opinions.  I'd built up so many walls to protect myself from the pain of what other people would think of me I became a hollow shell moving through the day.  I lived for their needs, only.  Eventually, though, that fell apart.  They used to call it a, "gender crash".  Anyway, I came out to them years later and lo and behold...my mom calls me 'daughter' when she remembers.  My dad may never understand, or accept it as being 'sane' but he still loves me.  I couldn't work through it with them until I'd come to peace with it with me. 

And now?  Well, now I realize that there are so many variations of how people expect others to look and act...and I can't fulfill them all simultaneously.  All I can do is be me and reflect on the kind of friends I make because of that, rather than in spite of it.   

[phdinfunk]

I'm actually looking for a new one now.

My last one was a nice guy but honestly I don't think he was doing much but agreeing with anything I said. I've come to realize he was basically the opposite of a gatekeeper - he'd support whatever I told him and I don't think I heard a single honest opinion out of him.

It's probably part of the reason I found myself feeling like I dived headfirst into transition before I got my concerns and worries sorted out. Transitioning might still be the right choice for me... I just need to consider it a lot more than I have.

Perhaps a different perspective.  A close friend of mine who worked as a therapist for several years used to say this to me when I was getting into Social Work, "A therapist can only either collude with you or collide with you.  The problem is, if the therapist colludes with you, you'll stay and they'll make money, but you'll stay FOREVER.  This is where you get people who 'love their therapist' and have been seeing her/him for 20 years.  Dear God, what happened to trying to cure someone?  But if you collide, then they'll either LEAVE in a huff, or eventually you'll make them face their problems and they'll be better and they'll leave.  You don't make much money this way."

Of course, we were coming from the perspective of mutually studying body psychotherapy and bioenergetics...  basically the way the tensions in the body and the tensions in the mind are at one.  A whole lot can change in a person's head with the right level of body release.  But all this is actually geared towards CURING things like depression instead of maintaining a holding pattern with psychopharm.

But if you think of the relationship of a "psychotherapist" to the process of gender transition, it seems the entire situation isn't so cut and dry.  Should the person be feeding you saccharine and happy thoughts?  Should she or he be trying to encourage you while maybe not saying things that are OBVIOUS?

I had this problem with my therapist in college.  She smiled such a patronizing and slightly sad smile when I put my earrings in backwards.  I'd never worn that type of danglies before, and I was 22, and someone could have just said something, instead she let me walk out the door with them like that.  So -- is it the therapists job to say something about EVERYTHING like that?  I felt she did more harm by not saying it.  Or is it the therapists job to smile and nod, even if she cannot hide her pity?  Or is it somehow the therapists job to be more distant, to not have their own emotions involved?

Or is it just their job to let you get the meds you want to transition?

To what extent should they be "contributing" their opinions or gatekeeping or whatever they're suposedly there to do?  This isn't exactly depression (though there's high comorbidity).  You cannot "cure it"... nor can you really objectively assess it very well.  So what should the therapist's role even be?  Coordinating things for you?  Telling you what to do?  Making a lot of suggestions?  Sitting there hiding behind a yellow pad while you talk and making sure if you say anything "unsafe" they protect themselves legally?

I venture that a lot of them probably don't actually know themselves what their role SHOULD be.