Stealth - Dating. Your thoughts about dating after FFS and/or SRS

[gslvqz]

Hello there,

I have been wondering if you girls, after you have gone through SRS and or FFS in needed in your very own case and after living as a female for a while... in the dating scene, do you tell guys you are trans right away or do you wait a while to let them know or do not tell them at all?

Please be kind and share your experience with us.

Best Wishes,
Giselle

[suzifrommd]

I've dated women only, but the dynamic is the same.

I've been telling them on the second date. For awhile, I was telling them on the first date, and not getting any second dates, didn't know whether it's because they didn't like my looks (most of them meeting me for the first time, since I use a dating site) or because I'm trans.

Hasn't been working well. It may be I'm getting clocked (I can't hide that I'm tall, which sets off some people's transdar), or other reasons, but people have tended to lose interest quickly.

[warmbody28]

i only tell them if they want to date and get serious. no need to say anything right up front

[gslvqz]

Thank you for your replies.

In my case I have not gotten either FFS nor SRS, but I am passable as I am now, the only thing is that I still have a penis, and it is very hard for me to disclose I am a transgender girl because most straight guys would say no thank you!

So I was wondering how my life could change after SRS (I am planning on having it done in 2015). Being passable and still getting some FFS procedures to enhance my possibility and then having a neo vagina. I wonder if I will ever be able to pass that well and the vagina will be very well done to the point that if I do not tell a guy he wouldn't have a clue. That too me sound almost impossible since I am taking a man who has been inside of a bio vagina could tell the difference. (I don't know myself since I have never penetrated any woman cisgender or trans). I wish at some point after my transition is completed with those major surgeries a time where I do not have to worry about disclosing I am a trans right away or even after a few months is necessary. Of course if the relationship is serious I would tell the person since I think they would have the right to know. I am not getting SRS because I want to live stealth because basically is the way I live now, but because I have decided that way but because life have put me in the position where there is no other trans person in my close circle of friends or at work. And to me being trans is like being hispanic (in my case) it really does not make me any different than others so I do not categorize myself as trans or cis.. but just as another human being. But I was just wondering how it will be when I have my SRS and my FFS done in regards to dating.

[nicole99]

Well, it is unlikely they can tell the difference. I've seen a lot of vagina, and they are all so different.

Like Suzifrommd I only dated women (though I also had sex with a guy to try it out and he was well pleased). But I have never had any issues and none of the ones I did not tell could not tell I had a surgical vag (and women tend to get in there so much closer than men often do!!). I also slept with lesbian and bi women before my SRS and it was perfectly ok. The possibilities are endless. If they are into you, and find you sexy as all hell then they won't care.

As for disclosure that is an entirely personal thing. My first thought is safety. If it is safer to disclose do it. If it is safer not to then don't. How it will be after is hard to say. But if you are confident in how you look and don't even make it an issue then I don't see a need for any disclosure. But if you feel more authentic by telling then do so. Just make sure you are safe

[calico]

This is a pretty touchy opinionated question,  and I will tell you that yes I live completely stealth,  yes it was difficult to do and some may and have said it should always be disclosed,  but to me it's up to that person.  And as far as stealth goes,  I've now been in the relationship I'm in for over a year and heading for marriage,  and I've never told, and he has never questioned.  I've had a couple close girlfriends who have known and said I have no passing issues upstairs nor down so...  It is what it is for me.

[pretty pauline]

This is a pretty touchy opinionated question,  and I will tell you that yes I live completely stealth,  yes it was difficult to do and some may and have said it should always be disclosed,  but to me it's up to that person.  And as far as stealth goes,  I've now been in the relationship I'm in for over a year and heading for marriage,  and I've never told, and he has never questioned. 

Your absolutely correct Calico, it's very much up to the individual person and individual situation, I dated my boyfriend (fiance) for 18 months, I didn't disclose, he didn't know my vagina was surgical created and he couldn't tell the difference, but when he proposed marriage and we got engaged, I did tell him, he didn't freak out, but was shocked and surprised, we worked it out and got married August 2010, he is now my husband and I'm a housewife, we never discuss it, it's past history, these days like any husband, he's more concerned about my cooking and housewife skills than my distance trans history.

[gslvqz]

Hello there Calico and Pretty Pauline,

This is exactly what I was wondering, if there were girls out there who were totally stealth and who did not have to disclose the fact they were once born any different than a female. So far, my life is quite stealth, my friends and people from work do not know. I am in the process of getting my SRS and I have been wondering if after this, I will have to worry if I have to tell or not a man that I was born a boy. To me, it takes effort and years of transition and emotional pain to fight against your dysphoria that when you are completely done with your transition is too hard to let go of the fact you do not want anyone to know your past. If you truly fit as a female, as calico said, from head to toe, I don't see why to tell other you are not something you have been portraying to be, a female inside and out.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and sharing your experiences with us. It is truly refreshing to know I have a chance to live my life as anything else than a truly female (stealth) and leaving my trans history in the past.

Congratulations to you both for reaching that point in your life. It most be such a great feeling!

Happy holidays!

Giselle

[divineintervention]

I personally do not tell - however, I do believe there comes a point where you have to (for example, when you get married)... when to is really a very difficult question and I think I would struggle with it too.

I have yet, come to that stage however, but when and if the situation arises, I think I would disclose it.

[pretty pauline]

If you truly fit as a female, as calico said, from head to toe, I don't see why to tell other you are not something you have been portraying to be, a female inside and out.

That's true Giselle up to a point, but when 2 people get married and share intimate details about themselves.  I'm always against telling on a first date, if I did that, I'd be dumped on the first date, but as the relationship moves forward, you get to know each other, but when he proposed marriage and put an engagment ring on my finger, it was time to tell him, he only ever knew me as a female, it was good he heard it from me.

I personally do not tell - however, I do believe there comes a point where you have to (for example, when you get married)... when to is really a very difficult question and I think I would struggle with it too.

I have yet, come to that stage however, but when and if the situation arises, I think I would disclose it.

I completely agree, I did struggle with it, but when the situation changed to a marriage proposel, I just felt it right to tell him then, it was the best thing I ever did, I didn't have to worry about it again, instead I had pre wedding nerves and jitters, just like any normal woman, every girl gets that, it's nice, just a girl thing.

[many]

I do agree that you only have to tell him when the relationship goes serius but I wonder how would you deal issues like lack of lubrication or scars etc... I know its already been discussed but still I'm afraid cause I do dating someone lately

[pretty pauline]

I have a very minor scar that was never an issue, ( near 30 years post op) I remember a guy mentioned it many years ago, I hesitated, then just gave a blushing reply  ''just a woman's problem''   he never mentioned it again, most guys just don't want go there, it's kind of ''ungentlemanly'' for a guy to question a lady on such girly things.
Regarding lubrication, every woman is different, I need a lot of stimulation to moisten up, which can be slow, in situations like that, lube is a girl's best friend, some women get very wet, some don't, I'm on the dry side, but then again, it's down to the guy, I'm lucky my husband is understanding and is always very patient, some guys can be selfish ''slam bam, thank you Mam''  they just don't know how to treat a woman.
I like a guy to be gentle, patient and to relax me, that's the only way I lubricate, otherwise it's a waste of time, it's all about a guy knowing how to treat a lady.

[lilredneckgirl]

its  personal  and  opinionated  for  sure. 
  i  learned  early  on,  put  myself  in  their  shoes. @ what  would  I  want? 
  so  i  do  the  first  meet,  always  casual  ,  just  a  coffe thing.    if,  they  call  me  wanting  a second  date,  then  before  i  formaly  accept,  i  tell  and  give  them  the  oppertunity  to  decide  what  is  right  for  them.    after  all,  if  that  coffee  meet  was  not  good  for  me,  i  have  the  right,  to say  no  to  a  second  date. 
  the  last  thing  i  want,  is  to  get  into  a  relationship,  after  kissing,  etc,  and  then  have  to  tell  the  person.
  ive  had  countless  guys  bail  out  once  i  told  them.  most  were  respect  full,  and  thanked  me  for  the  notice.  "  just  not  my  cup  of  tea"  was  all  too  familure  at  times.      but I  see  it  as  better  then    getting  into  a  relationship,  then  telling  after  kissing  or  perhaps  intamacy,  then  getting  hostile  reactions  when  the  truth  finly  comes  out.   
  though  we  realise  who  and  what  we  were  and  are,  from  birth,  others  have  different  views,  some  of  them  offensive,  yet  we  must  respect  their  rights  to  feel  as  they  do,  and  therefore,  let  them  know,  before,  as  seen  by  them,  they  cross  a  line  unknowingly  and  see  it  as  deception. 
  just  my  opinion. 

[Jessica Merriman]

I tell when interest is shown. Why go into a closet (worrying about being found out the rest of your life) after already escaping one (coming out). If a relationship is not built on honesty and respect why bother? 

[jojo702]

I met my husband through a transgender site and we got married after a year. I met and hung out with all his friends and family and it's been over 2 years now and none of them knows what I am.

All my bf's in the past (except my first bf) and their friends never knew and I've lived in stealth all my life after transitioning at the age of 16.

Since then I had no problem. Even my bf's friends girlfriends didn't know.

If you look like a cis woman with no manly features and have a woman's voice that has no trace of manly vocal which you can tell if a person is transgender, then I think you could pass and live stealth for as long as you can keep up with it.

You have a choice to tell people but either way comes with consequences. If you tell people, some will tease you in public, some will laugh, some will whisper that you're a ->-bleeped-<-, some will mock you, and some will feel uncomfortable with you. Then one day you'll snap and just don't care about anything and act like a "loud" individual and that will make you become more of a transgender instead of a woman (well that's how I see it as but people's perspectives are different). Benefits to that is having confidence and feeling proud to be a transgender.

If you live stealth, you will experience the life of cis women if you're passable and have features of a woman and the voice that sounds very womanly and after srs, you can live stealth completely and no one has to know. But if you live stealth and haven't yet had srs, that's when you must be careful even though you are extremely passable and have a complete woman's voice. I have had some guys try to rub my privates before from outside my pants thinking I have a vagina and if they tried to go in pants I told them that we were going to fast and should slow down. I "tucked" very good and the benefits of having a very small penis. But that was dangerous and I could have gotten killed or beaten up.

Till this day, no one knows about me except my husband and the people i grew up with.

[many]

I ad an appointment with.my doctor yesterday and he told me that I could.claim I have Mayer-Rokitansky-Kuster-Hauser 
syndrome since I live stealth and my papers are changed bla bla bla bla. A cis woman with this syndrome have genital atrophy from birth and need to have labioplasty to fix her vagina atrophy... He also said that I can make myself believe Im such a woman

[brazilliangirl89]

Hi,
I had my srs early this month in Thailand, at 25. However my transition started at 13, when I started taking hormones without my family knowing (at first, because they found out eventually). Well, since I was lucky enough not to go trough a male puberty, i look like any other cisgender girl. I know this is rare, but i am telling the truth (i say this cause  there is a lot of fakes lying about transitioning while young online). But men in Brazil generally see trans woman as a fetiche, for a one night stand. When I tell about it, they either go away or start treating me like a prostitute and go to bed with me (no matter how nice they were before you telling). That's why I always prefered to be alone, its like I don't wanna take the risk of being hurt ( although taking risks is part of life). People say you have to go out more, try to get to know people, take a chance but i think I´m so traumatized about everything I went trough that is hard for me to put myself out there. Everytime a man aproaches me and say you look so pretty or something I can't help but think: what would he say if he knew about me; i secretly envy the cys girls I know cause it seems so much easier for them. I want to be honest about my past, but at the same time, it 's emocionally exausting, everytime i meet someone having to dig out this part of my past that is so painful just to get the possibility that he accepts me. I guess life made me kinda bitter.

[JenJen2011]

I agree with Jessica.

Brazliangirl, wow, HRT at 13? You are so lucky!

I just had SRS and I've had FFS. I'm not sure that I pass completely but even if I did, me personally, I would disclose. It is better to be open and honest. I wouldn't disclose immediately but definitely before any intimacy. I think men have the right to know the truth. And that truth is that we were born biologically male. A relationship is based on trust and honesty. You can't, or maybe I should say shouldn't, go around telling men you can't carry a child because your infertile and leave it at that. IMO, you should always disclose at some point. At least after you've given the person a chance to get to know you as a person and then disclose and let them decide whether they want to continue or not.

This is solely my opinion.

[chinee]

I am 5 months post op now and I am dating a guy for like a week now. We met on a popular dating app among teenagers since last year but never had a chance to meet each other due to him working overseas most of the time and me being pre op (last year). But then he came back this year and we decided to meet to see if we like each other more in person.

Our first date was not that romantic / good as I was drunk because I just came from a party when we decided to meet. Well uhmm we had sex on our first date without me telling him about my past. I thought it would be just a one night thing also so I didnt really care if he doesnt know or not. But after that, he became sweeter and we were still communicating after what happened. So our 2nd date happened, this time we eat dinner, watch movie and went to his place to watch our fav series "walking dead" then we had sex again after. Now, we are still keeping in touch and more sweeter to each other. I think I am falling for him because I never thought he was really quite a catch and really boyfriend material.

There are days that I cry because I really dont know how and when to tell him about my identity. He is a good guy and I feel guilty sometimes for not telling him the whole truth. Plus the fact that its always a hassle to excuse when we are starting to have sex because I need to go to CR and secretly put KY Jelly in my neo vagina. My friends were telling me to tell him the truth as we all know that the foundation of relationship is trust and honestly. Now Im worried that I might lose him if I tell him the truth behind my past. I really dont know what to do 

[Eveline]

chinee, assuming you do plan to tell him, remember your personal safety. Sometimes guys don't react well to the news...