Am I really here?

[jeni]

Wow, ok, I am kinda surprised (and nervous and maybe a little exhilarated) to be writing this message. Actually, I'm literally shaking right now, but not in a bad way. I came across the forum a couple days ago and it seems like a nice place and I think I need some support. Maybe i can help someone else, too, so we'll see.

I am... well, I am mostly confused at the moment, as I have been on and off for most of the last 30 years. Biologically, I am male, and I am outwardly "straight" (ok, maybe once I kissed a boy, but unlike the song, I wouldn't say that I liked it). Inside, it's kinda churning around a bit at the moment, but I'm pretty sure there's a woman trying to surface.

In another thread, someone suggested imagining a button that, if pressed, would instantly and permanently change you into a woman. When I read that, even before I finished the sentence I was pushing that button in my mind. Sorry, I may have broken it from pushing it too hard. I have been dreaming about having a button that would do that almost from the moment I became aware of sex and genders. I remember lying awake in bed when I was probably 10 years old, fantasizing about having some sort of magical stuffed animal that had various gizmos inside that would change me into a girl. This was a recurring fantasy and I still feel the sadness and frustration I felt then, knowing that it wasn't possible.

I said I was confused, but as I write this, I realize that that may not be showing. I'm probably not alone, but the confusion comes from the reality of outing. An integral part of my childhood fantasy was that this stuffed animal had some sort of device that would alter everyone's memories so they would think I'd always been a girl. (Though I would still remember. I wanted to know that I'd changed. Not sure why.)

So that is what I wrestle with most. Coming out and transitioning would add so much complication, uncertainty, risk, etc, to what is a pretty good situation. As at least a reasonably attractive, (apparently) straight male, I know I have a lot going for me. Why would I want to complicate that? I'm not especially unhappy with the situation---I'm not disgusted by and I don't hate my genitals the way I see some people describe it. I'm comfortable enough in men's clothing (although it's $#@% boring and I am more jealous than I can believe when I see a girl who "gets" to wear a cute skirt and leggings). I know I'd rather not have that junk hanging down there in the way, but I have dealt with it, and I guess I can continue....

So, I guess this is supposed to be an introduction rather than a full autobiography, so maybe I'll stop here. I don't know what the future holds, but then who does? This is the most serious I've ever felt about this in my life, but I'm still not sure what I want. We'll see.

So, hello!

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Jeni,

Welcome to our little family. Over 15269 members. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

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But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

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Janet  )O(

[mrs izzy]

Welcome Jeni to Susan's family.

Lots to read and post to write.

[Devlyn]

Hi Jeni, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston!

"Am I really here?"  Just what I've been waiting for, a chance to pinch somebody! Yeah, you're really here. See you around the site.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Julia-Madrid]

Dear Jeni

Welcome to our funny little club.  Here, everyone has been dealt a weird hand, which makes poker rather an interesting game 

There are a smallish number of us here who didn't experience crippling dysphoria, and whose lives were quite fine staying in our birth gender. even though we always wanted to be girls.  Oh, your magical stuffed animal sounds wonderful, and heavens knows how many of us have spent massive amounts of time in bed imagining another reality for ourselves! Guilty, officer!

So, yes, see how you can explore.  Above all, don't be afraid of finding out more about who you are.  Granted, it's a big step, but you are in control of what happens, and knowledge of yourself doesn't necessarily imply an inexorable and complicated journey to somewhere else.

This said, it's quite the most thrilling thing, for me, to now be able to wear all those gorgeous clothes I've longed to wear for way too many years, but clothes are just a part of it.

By the way, kissing a man can be quite nice, or even way better than that, if he's the right man! 

Hugs
Julia

[JLT1]

Hi!

It's just a journey to discover and become who we really are..a journey most never make.  We're here to help.

Welcome.

Hugs

Jen

[JulianWS]

Hi Jeni,

Welcome!  I just joined a couple days too, and I can relate to the whirl of emotions that come with sharing your story on here.  I also feel like I have things going well for me currently, nice looking, good, stable life, and can relate to the "why would I want to disrupt that?"  Especially since I've worked hard to build what I have. I think what I'm coming to realize though is that I don't want to disrupt any of that, but I also feel this urge to express myself freely so I can contribute to my happiness.  I'm trying to figure out how to navigate the the two dynamics, and like you, I've only just figuring it out a bit.  I wished I was boy strongly when I was a kid, and can understand that pain of knowing that's not an option.  I felt jealous of my brother, and always felt like guys get cooler stuff lol.  I'm thinking now, that maybe I DO have the option, and maybe a bit of disruption would be worth it.

Anyway, welcome again, and thanks for sharing your story

[jeni]

"Am I really here?"  Just what I've been waiting for, a chance to pinch somebody! Yeah, you're really here.

Thanks!! It is wonderful to be here. In the week since I wrote that first post, my confidence has grown considerably. I came out to my therapist, which was one of the most powerfully freeing experiences of my life (and he was fantastic). I don't have any doubts left about my true gender and I am ready to do something about the mismatch.

So, um ,you have one heckuva pinch there. At what point in transition do I get that power?!

There are a smallish number of us here who didn't experience crippling dysphoria, and whose lives were quite fine staying in our birth gender. even though we always wanted to be girls.  Oh, your magical stuffed animal sounds wonderful, and heavens knows how many of us have spent massive amounts of time in bed imagining another reality for ourselves! Guilty, officer!

You know, in the last week, I have experienced more dysphoria than ever before. I have taken a few steps toward feminization (shaving body hair and complicating my skincare routine), and that is really bringing me out. When I see myself in the mirror, especially if I haven't shaved my face, it's jarring to realize that others don't yet see me like I feel. I was called "Sir" a couple times yesterday, and it was strange. Not upsetting, but maybe itw as like there was an impulse to correct them.

So, yes, see how you can explore.  Above all, don't be afraid of finding out more about who you are.  Granted, it's a big step, but you are in control of what happens, and knowledge of yourself doesn't necessarily imply an inexorable and complicated journey to somewhere else.

This said, it's quite the most thrilling thing, for me, to now be able to wear all those gorgeous clothes I've longed to wear for way too many years, but clothes are just a part of it.

I am going ahead with exploration, and it's been rewarding. The fear is melting away. Things like telling my family have gone from being impossible to being things I'm making plans for. I'm at a point in my career where there was going to be an inexorable change regardless of coming out as tg, so in that sense it's a very natural time. Since I *am* going to do this, it's better to work it into the plan now.

I am *so* looking forward to the clothes. My wife is going to pick up some underthings for me this afternoon. It's a start. (She's on board with my changes by about 146%, which is amazing.)

By the way, kissing a man can be quite nice, or even way better than that, if he's the right man! 

Yeah, I can kinda imagine that. Some of my aversion had to do with my personally not liking the male-male image (although, to be clear, I am super supportive of male-male affection, it's just not for me). A little feeling is growing that, after a transition, I might feel rather differently. However, I have always been very strongly attracted to women, and I'm going to stay married to my wife, so this is probably a moot issue.

It's just a journey to discover and become who we really are..a journey most never make.  We're here to help.

Thanks. This journey will be an experience, I am sure. :-)

Welcome!  I just joined a couple days too, and I can relate to the whirl of emotions that come with sharing your story on here.  I also feel like I have things going well for me currently, nice looking, good, stable life, and can relate to the "why would I want to disrupt that?"  Especially since I've worked hard to build what I have. I think what I'm coming to realize though is that I don't want to disrupt any of that, but I also feel this urge to express myself freely so I can contribute to my happiness.  I'm trying to figure out how to navigate the the two dynamics, and like you, I've only just figuring it out a bit.  I wished I was boy strongly when I was a kid, and can understand that pain of knowing that's not an option.  I felt jealous of my brother, and always felt like guys get cooler stuff lol.  I'm thinking now, that maybe I DO have the option, and maybe a bit of disruption would be worth it.

It's nice to get a reply from someone making the journey in the other direction. The two transgenders I know personally are both male, so that's a bit of a more familiar idea to me, at least practically. I've lost touch with one, but last I knew he had made a great transition.

I find it fascinating how similar the experiences are between people on here. So far I'd noticed it with other tg women (because, tbh, those are the threads I've been reading, probably for obvious reasons). Maybe it shouldn't be surprising, but I think it's interesting that the feelings transcend gender. I'm realizing that disruption is inevitable for me, but that the things that matter most to me will survive.


Thanks to everyone for the support and kind words. Good luck to everyone who's just embarking, and congratulations to those who've arrived.

<3
jeni