HUGE MJ BREAKTHROUGH yesterday:
19+ years I've been wondering why God healed me of cross dressing but never healed me of being transgender.
A huge part of my journey hinged on an event back in late 1995, going through very tough times, I prayed, yet again for the zillionth time, that God take the cross dressing from me. He did. The next week when I went to the stores, I vividly remember holding a cute dress in my hand when the realization hit me "I'm no longer defined by these garments!" I was happy to say the least. I remember watching airplanes land at O'Hare airport while parked at the top of a parking garage on that cold Saturday in 1995, and tossing clothes in the garbage can...MY FINAL PURGE!
I did fully realize the gravity of this reality: very few cross dressers who repeat the hellacious binge/guilt-shame/purge cycle ever receive a get out of jail free card. I did. I was thankful. Joyful and amazed that it happened! Thank you GOD!
Or so I thought.
Sure the CD'ing never reappeared but over the years I asked God, why didn't you cure me of being transgender as well...why stop at curing cross dressing yet leave me hanging with being transgender??
Made no sense. Why would God only heal half-way??
I often thought to myself how, just maybe, the CD'ing healing was a stop-gap to allow me to live a 'normal' life. Perhaps that's still is the answer. A couple people have said that it was a way to avoid suicide. Perhaps, but I'm not the suicidal type yet I can't predict the future that never was either.
But still, it made no sense.
Until today. At the end of today's message by the pastor, who's cool, he's very familiar with TG issues, while not an 'affirmative' church, he won't kick anyone out either. I love that, no special labels, just people...and the chairs are in a circle, not typical boring rows. So much win here but I'll save all that for another day.
Toward the end of his message, he was talking about how the church is all about relationship, which I completely agree with 100%. He mentioned this at the end: "His grace to free us from guilt".
THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE ANSWER: "His grace to free us from guilt".
All lightbulbs went on over my head. Finally. THAT was it! He freed me of guilt-shame so I can life live and understand it, even with all it's challenges that lay ahead, from a 1995 point of view. I had to do everything to keep from losing it right there in church.
Now I realize I was asking the wrong question: it wasn't "why haven't you gone all they way in healing me, why stop at cross dressing?" Rather, a more appropriate question is "why did you set me free of cross dressing when I've been transgender all along"? I've been asking the wrong question!!
But the answer is now there in front of me, for the 1st time 2 decades, this all makes sense.
#HappyDance
Thank you God for setting me free of that abysmal binge/guilt-shame/purge cycle. I accept I'm TG. Now I understand. THANK YOU!
