Is reluctant tolerance the first step in many?

[Taius]

I recently came out to most everyone in my friend group, and family.

My friends I chose fantastically...they've all accepted me, started using the correct pronouns, my new name, and have been the most amazing supports for me in this transition.

My family has gone very well I'd say compared to what I normally see or hear about...So I may not have the right to nitpick, or complain at all, but let me explain why I ask real fast.

- My aunt accepted me instantly, told me she'd love me regardless of any change I make, and just to be completely sure before I make life altering decisions. It was the most...heart warming reply I could ever hope for. Moreso...She didn't know what transgender/transsexual was when I came out, I explained it first. Now when I talk to her, she's done research into it, and uses correct terms like transitioning, asks me about my plans with things like HRT, etc. I feel like there's absolutely nothing she could have done that would be more reassuring than what she has done, and it makes me endlessly happy to think about.

- My sister accepted it, and was even pretty happy, because she's had trans feelings before, and although she wont act on them, she and I created a new sort of bond when we were talking about it. (A sort of...repair for us, because our relationship had been pretty rocky.)

- My mother...seems to have reluctantly tolerated it. That's...the nicest way I can describe it.
When I came out, there were puffed out chests, tight pursed lips, tears of exasperation, and furrowed brows greeting me.
Accusations of it being caused by every possible childhood trauma, insisting that I would have a horrific life, greeted by women who wouldn't want me because I wasn't ever going to be a real man, jobs who wouldn't hire me because I was broken and mentally unstable, landlords who wouldn't rent to me because I was as bad as a criminal.
And the statement of a lifetime, that she wishes I had told her sooner, so we could have..."prevented this outcome."
Probably the scariest words to ever be uttered out of the mouth of a christian, a conservative, and...a mother.
I calmed these things, by explaining to her that it's been linked to genetics, and that brain patterns within trans individuals naturally are different, so it wasn't environmental. I explained that today many people are perfectly accepting of trans individuals, that housing and work aren't impossible for us like it once was. That even if I found women or men who didn't want to be with me, that it wasn't the end of the world, because this isn't about who I go to bed with, it's about who I go to bed as.
Through the "Mom I love you, and I need you to be here with me. I'm the same person I've always been, I'll just look different and go by a different name." statements, she put up less of a fight, and began to calm down a bit. She told me I was still welcome to be around her, I wasn't being disowned and she still loved me.


- Now my brother...He's had a hands-off disapproving approach. Told me to do what I want, do as I will, etc. Has made extremely few comments other than those. He still talks to me about the same amount (Which is infrequent, as we live on opposite sides of the planet, and he's very busy running his own business.) and things haven't changed. So I feel as though it's gone significantly better than my mother's reaction, somehow.
And yet, I can't help but wonder if he'll ever come around to accept it.


So I turn to all of you in my community, who may have experienced this. Has reluctant tolerance been the first step to reluctant acceptance, and perhaps someday total acceptance?
I hope to lead by example of feeling and being happy, friendly, and upbeat that I can show them that I'm no different than I ever was. I'm just happier, got a haircut, stocked my closet with better clothing, and decided Tai was the vastly preferable name.

I know no one can predict the outcome and reactions of a person they do not know, but hearing other people's situations would be helpful.

[LordKAT]

I haven't experienced it that way but have read a number of stories saying that it does happen. Just keep being yourself and showing a happier you may just bring her around.

[ChelseaAnn]

I'll give you a little rundown of my own experience.

Friends- same as yours. In fact, I haven't started my transition yet, and a few of my friends had started using female pronouns when I'm presenting male. (I was confused the first time I heard it. lol)

Mom- She somewhat knew what it was before I told her. I admitted I was in therapy, but couldn't tell her why. After I gave her a list of what it wasn't, she figured it out on her own. She's getting used to it, but there were no hard feelings.

Dad- just worried. He's somewhat scared for me, probably about my safety and everything, plus the medical side of things and how hormones will affect me.

Brother- this is one of the more confusing ones for me. He was ok with it, but was not in a great mood when I told him (he'd just put his dog down earlier in the day, it wasn't my choice of timing but rather inconvenient coincidence). However, he's seen me as Chelsea a few times, and he hasn't been against it. However, one statement he said was that if he ever introduced me to a girlfriend, I'd be his sibling, not his sister or brother. That was quite some time ago (two years I think), but it still makes me a little worried.

In-laws- Ugh. My wife's immediately family was.... no. They didn't want to hear about it, I was (insert LGBT slur here). I had other problems that were causing me to think this way, I had been hiding things, etc. etc. It wasn't good. Her not so immediate family wasn't bad. Her aunt is supportive, her grandmother told her that if she didn't let me transition she wouldn't support my wife .

Rest of my family- been pretty good. Still haven't told grandparents, but everyone else has been good.

So, my in-laws are the problem. My sister in law just got engaged, and I will have begun my transition before her wedding day, but they don't know that yet. We'll just see what happens. Hope this helps a little bit.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Taius

Well, I think you've actually had an extremely good outcome, all things considered, expecially with your mother. 

It is very hard for me to imagine what happens in the heads of people whose political or religious ideologies make their minds highly rigid, but such people are a fact of life, and I think that your mother has done a tolerable minimum by accepting you as you are, rather than recusing herself from her role as a mother and carer.

One thing, however, where we trans people have a hard time of our own is in imagining how those in our family must feel when this bombshell is dropped on them.  I found it most interesting to imagine my father as coming out as trans, and my reactions to such a thing.  And it's extremely instructive - the feelings are not necessarily positive, I must say! 

It's also a case of credibility - my sister was reluctant to deal with me as a girl,  partly because she couldn't believe that I would be believable as one, but also because I was encroaching on her territory, so to speak.  So as you mature into your new gender you'll gradually present a more credible picture and this will likely create greater acceptance even while they battle internally to some extent to rewire youself in their minds as a boy.  It took quite some time for my sister to permit me to see my nephews, as she and her husband had some silly ideas about what it might do to them.  My attitude was to take it slowly, and not to force myself on them.

One thing I would strongly suggest to be a goal in maximising tolerance is to keep the drama down to a minimum, and work at making your transition a simple easy thing for your family.  By all means rant with an occasional friend or your therapist if you really feel the need, but try to work at keeping your mind and your world stable and as free from stress as you can. 

Hugs
Julia

[sam1234]

Whether they accept it or not, a change like that is always going to hit the parents especially hard. I'm not a shrink, but it seems to me that they go though many of the same stages they would if they were grieving. Spending years thinking you have a child on one gender only to find out their child wasn't what they thought he/she was.

They wonder if they did something to cause the problem, feel a loss of the child they thought they had, and often don't truly understand what gender dysphoria is.
In my experience, though my parents were supportive from the get go, it took them a while to get used to the idea. They made mistakes with gender at times (saying her instead of him), and my mother in particular was very worried that  if I was seen with the family, there would be questions and embarrassment.

My father told me early on that he and my mother felt like they were on the Bill Cosby show. Until then, they had never heard of gender dysphoria. My mother cried when I had the chest surgery, and my mother later told me that my father cried after I had the phalloplasty. Its a shock, and may come out as tolerance but not full acceptance.

Like you, one of my brothers was mortified and stopped talking to me for about ten years. Prior to coming out, we had been very close and he just couldn't get around it. He talks to me now, but the relationship has never been the same again. Whether that is because of the fact that I am a transgender or because he is in his forties now and our relationship is an adult one, I don't know.

sam1234

[Ms Grace]

You just need to give it time, especially where close family members are concerned. Parents in particular place a lot of emotional significance on the sex (perceived gender) of their child - our whole society is built around it. From day one of birth she has seen you as her "daughter" and all the bonds that flow on from that have a special significance to her. You've been struggling with your gender identity for a long time and have arrived at your decisions as a result of that process, but to her it probably seems to have come out of thin air and, if you are planning to transition, will to her most likely appear to be the most "extreme" solution. To her she is "losing her daughter" rather than gaining a son. My extremely conservative father has been the same (but in reverse). My mother was worried at first but now that she sees that transition has improved my sense of well being considerably is supportive.

[alexbb]

" I found it most interesting to imagine my father as coming out as trans, and my reactions to such a thing.  And it's extremely instructive - the feelings are not necessarily positive, I must say!  "

I have had the very same thought. It provides a good perspective for modelling my own behaviour. It really gives that visceral gut feeling, wondering how i would feel if my dad came out as trans or gay. i think in the end i would be fine with it but it would take a while to work through it. so i figure the converse is true.

[Taius]

Thank you everyone for replying! It means a lot!


KAT:
I do hope so! Thanks Kat! 🙂


ChelseaAnn:
You know, I get the feeling that my mom is actually deep down feeling more like your dad is. And that's confirmed by my sister, who told me that she was actually more worried than anything.
Which you know...I can't really blame her? Medically transitioning is scary. Moreso when you don't know /ANYTHING/ about it. You just start playing through horror stories of like...plastic surgery, hormone problems, etc. So I do definitely give her credit for not freaking out, haha!

Your brother seems a little concerning, but maybe he meant it in a "Well I know you don't want to be called what I've called you my whole life, but I don't really know if I'm comfortable calling you what you want. So I'll just use something neutral." way. Which isn't the best for us, but it might mean to him that he'll try, but can't just dive headfirst into places unknown? Not sure. Hopefully he comes around though!

As for in-laws...Yeah. I can't imagine a shred of understanding from my ex husband's parents. He was extremely closed minded about it, and he was the most liberal of anyone in his family. his parents were VERY STRICT standard gender roles in marriage kind of thing. The fact that I'd joke around and give my husband ->-bleeped-<- for things was horrific to them. LOL


It does help! Thanks a ton Chelsea. <3 It really helps me feel calmed down in these issues when others share their experiences, you know?


Julia-Madrid:
I agree Julia, as far as it's going I can't say I've had a bad experience. I was so terrified of being completely ostracized, and I am truly lucky to be still part of the family.
And you're completely right. It's hard for me to imagine myself in my mother's shoes, losing her daughter. (Which honestly I was the favored child lately, so it's probably blowing everything out of the water right now. Haha) And she's definitely sounding like she's concerned about credibility, and seems to be quite worried I'll never 'pass' as male or female once I do this.

I do hope to avoid as much drama as I can. I don't want to engage in any aggressive back and forth with family over this. I think being calm and decisive, but not rude or in any way aggressive will help a lot. Especially since my mom seems to be the type who enjoys poking and prodding at people.

Thank you Julia. *hugs*



Sam:
You know, that makes a lot of sense. The grieving process does seem to be coming out a lot.
I can imagine my mom wont want to go out with me once I start to transition medically. Especially when I hit some more androgynous parts of the process.
But I guess I'm working to steel myself in the face of that?
I just hope I can somehow show her over time that she didn't make me this way. (Moreso that my abusive bio dad didn't make me this way. Which she was instantly caught on.)
I imagine there will be a lot of stress on her as well when I begin medical transition steps. I still don't know if I'll ask her if she'd like to come with me to talk to the doctor about HRT. I think maybe inviting her would be the best situation. At least that way she has the choice to be there beside me if she thinks she can manage it, but wont feel like I'm pushing her away automatically?

Yeah...I do think gently giving the offer is the best situation. She can always turn it down and I wont be insulted, but I do worry she might think I'm trying to avoid her if I don't offer opportunities for her to be beside me during these things.


Ms Grace:
That is true! It seems like she feels it's very sudden. Which I can imagine it is for her, as I haven't told her much if anything about it since I was a child. And medical intervention does always get treated as the most extreme in any case or situation. So I can understand that completely!
It sounds like she's worried about the permanent effects of Testosterone on me, which I do understand. Honestly as sure as I am about it, there's always that little twinge of worry about the changes. I especially worry about the in-betweens before starting and then after (hopefully) hitting a passing level. It's going to be rough, there's no doubt about that. But it'll be worth it. And it's that end result I think that's truly the winning option for me.
But I don't think she can see it that way, because as people have said; she's losing her daughter. And it's going to be hard for her to think that she's gaining a son.

Thank you for sharing! And I do hope that someday my mom can see that my well being is improved. 🙂




Alex:
That's definitely true. Imaging my mom as telling me she's gay, or wants to become a man is...Very strange indeed. It's a whole mixture of questions and thoughts, and of course the out of nowhere change where your life has been sort of turned upside down, and you worry that you never knew the person who's been so close to you.

[sam1234]

Taius,
there are therapists who work with the parents of transgendered children. If you have a therapist who does a lot of work with transgenders, they may know of one such person. Although having your Mom go with you to therapy is a good idea, going by herself is also good because she can say what she needs to say without worrying about hurting your feelings.

I remember my feelings really being hurt when my Mom wouldn't walk on the same side of the street with me to watch a parade. She was afraid of bumping into people we knew. It took a while to realize that she was going through her own difficulties with my transition. Just try to be as supportive as you can and let her know you understand how she feels.

sam1234