Hi everyone,
My birth name is Brandon, so I will go with that for now.
I am a m>f trans and I don't think I will transition at any point for a few reasons. Chief among the reasons is that I would make a gnarly and wholely unattractive female, leading to more discomfort for myself and those around me.
Second is that I would rather be fully functional as the wrong thing than to, no offense to anyone at all, dress up and play pretend and kill functionality (Please, seriously don't see this as offensive.. It's just a product of how I apply it to myself rather than others as I harshly grind down on things relating to me and over think...). I don't act or speak about what I am to the general public, dressing in normal male clothing, avoiding things that make me stand out as anything but a straight male.
I think that if I dressed or even made it known, it would make more than its fair share of problems for me personally. I feel as I do, see how I see, but I have no right to insist another person recognizes my own problem (As it relates to me, I honestly sometimes loathe this part of me because it just causes me pain, problem and I see my birth gender and this as a defect in myself).
I joined an LGBT group on my campus, but I eventually left because I just did not felt like I belonged. I was the only trans member they had and as I saw it, a really poor example of one as I lacked the problems that come with bring open and out with it. For the most, I felt like an outsider in the group which was clenched when a f>m joined and asked why I was there.. The most incredulous look, the most dumbfounded questions followed if I was a f>m or what; I understand the prospect of why they reacted as they did but the look and tone, like I was full of it; like I was just faking.. It hurt to see. I can't help how I look and try as I might, I never felt the same in the group. It's not their fault, I'm just weird and wasn't worth their time anyhow.
I'm just tired of being alone with it, why I joined the group to begin.. But realizing I don't even fit in with those "like" me, I don't know. That was a couple months ago, though and installing Tapatalk made me search for forums causing me to look out of curiosity... So here I am. If I don't belong here either, just let me know and I can understand it; I know not everyone belongs everywhere and... Yea, a self loathing, super closeted, 30 year old, m>f trans isn't exactly going to work a lot of places. I want to to work among people that are like me but... Yeah.
I read a recent introduction and I haven't seen a therapist either, I am barely talking to my friends about this, let alone a professional. I know no one is going to provide anything like that here. But I just wanted to say hi, I guess. Please understand I am a very timid individual forcing an action to actually reach out and I've written this multiple times, this one lacking a lot the self-tearing language and being forward with things, I am far from aggressive or... You know.
So, just hi...
Even if I don't fit in here.
