I'm sorry to hear that things are not going as well as they could be; I, too, had a very brief backslide several months ago where I stopped doing the shaving and grooming. It almost felt like I needed to try my hand at being a boy one last time; my face got all hairy and my depression returned. Admittedly, the pace of these changes increased dramatically once I found out my fiance was pregnant; with the biological duty satisfied, the repressed feelings completely took on a life of their own. Now, I'm gingerly typing this post with only the tips of my fingers because the paint on my nails hasn't set yet and I don't want any crinkles. Emailed several gender therapists last night to get the ball rolling on HRT and will be looking into electro once the engagement ring is paid off. Cindy is right - the dysphoria does not get better and it does not go away; once you have the personal realization that that is what is happening, all the other things you may or may not be or have been experiencing come sharply into focus.
Do you usually have a short haircut sweetie? I used to and I also rocked the full beard for a while to hide what I felt, at the time, to be a very unmanly face. As you can probably see in my avatar, I have what is often referred to as a 'little boys face' and the facial hair helped to offset that a bit. I am 31 and still get carded when buying liquor. Sorry, that was a little braggy, but braggy with a point; there used to be shame associated with my face and it affected my whole personality. I never looked people in the eyes, slouched when I walked, was moody, and generally was not well-liked by people who spent any significant amount of time with me. My beard was both physical and metaphorical; it held off both people and scary thoughts because it was like a mask of maturity. People saw the beard and kind of just assumed that I was a typical, responsible male; behind that velvet curtain, however, my life was an absolute mess and I was heading for some serious interpersonal problems. As Cindy so precisely put it, I was a "...caricature of a man..." and that is truly no way to live your life.
What is the state of things for me 6 months after T-Day? Panties and cute workout tanks have completely replaced boxer shorts as undergarments; I gave all my male undergarments to my fiance because wearing them for any significant length of time now makes me feel just kind of all around bad. No more boy shower scents or deodorant. My new scent is Axe for her; I wear that body spray proudly into public every day and it is quite liberating. Also, as previously mentioned, my nails are painted all the time now; I do all my public interactions with my pretty nails and it has caused some surprised faces, but painting my nails makes me feel so feminine that I do not care in the slightest. The fiance purchased some bras for me that are the correct size and those are now also included in my daily attire. The next big step is arriving today; I ordered my very first purse and wallet the other night and the anticipation I have been feeling the last 4 days has been unlike anything I've ever felt in the past. This is also a personal milestone because I intend to begin wearing it into public, signaling the start of the public face of my transition. It's scary, but there is an overriding desire to express my soul that has taken away all the fear I suspect some would feel at taking such a step.
My last male haircut (which was horrible btw) was 4/11/15, and once the length comes back, I plan on a nice cut and color which will come along with eyebrow shaping. Why am I telling you all this? Hope. For some people, not transitioning is not an answer; you answered a somewhat old thread pretty rapidly which indicates to me that there may be some urgency to these issues. The fertility thing is a bear, no doubt about that one, but you should remember that there are tons and tons of children out there that need a loving, adoptive parent. I think that is actually very poetic; trans people are often considered outcasts from society and so are orphaned and foster children. Why shouldn't our two groups look after one another? Trans folks have some of the biggest hearts of anyone on the planet and the world needs our love now more than ever. But, the bearing and rearing of children is a highly personal choice and I am in no way attempting to tell you what to do. Feeling like a prisoner in your own life is one of the worst things a person can experience, but never say never; it is YOUR life and YOU are in charge of how it plays out. Paddle your own canoe, my friend.
Grief is a genuine and valid response to what you are proposing and you are correct in recognizing it as such. I am sincerely sorry for the long-winded response, but I have always been an empathetic person and I feel there is a sense of urgency to your messages that is lacking from many other topics on this board. I sincerely hope that you are able to find a path that leads you to your own peace; this is your life honey and you don't deserve anything less than the best.
My love to you.
-Ana
