Stealth & burning the past... start a brand new LIFE

[V M]

Hi friends 

Let's keep the site rules in mind when posting

Thank you

V M

[kelly_aus]

Where does this idea that those of us who are not stealth are LOUD and in peoples faces about it? Like I've said previously, I won't hide it, but I also don't shout it from the rooftop.. There are people I interact with regularly that clearly have no idea and some that do.

[nicolegn7]

Ladies as I said I respect everyone's way of living. We all have the same journey but I do feel sometimes a lot of us are out of touch of how society truly is. With all the good of the educating on trans issues the world is having we need to also see that it also is a bit harmful especially to those living a stealth life. I know cisgender girls who get "clocked" as if they were trans just because they are 5'9. With all the knowledge out there, it gets harder and harder for girls to live a "normal" life.
My ways of living stealth may not be the way you like to live but it in no way spurs hate. I try to deflect the issue as much as possible and if I have to fib and say "I don't agree with that lifestyle but I have nothing against transgender" does not constitute any hate or harm. Just like some people don't agree with Buddhist, Christian, Catholic or Jewish lifestyles doesn't mean they hate them. They just don't agree.

With the media (especially this Bruce Jenner interview) everyone is talking about it in public a lot more and sometimes for your own good you have to fib a bit. We all have fibbed due to safety issues and better treatment so for girls to attack me and report me as if I was doing something hateful (which I was reviewed and did not) is not fair. Do I agree with some transwomen parading about in mini skirts and bra-less (it happens a lot in NYC) no, I don't. But just because I don't agree doesn't make me hate anyone. It's just a matter of opinion. We all want to be seen as woman and the truth is wether some girls want to acknowledge it or not, we are't always seen that way. I have came too long in my transition to been seen as something I am not and I am blessed and fortunate that I can lead a stealth life and quite honestly nothing is going to get in the way of it just like nothing gets in the way of you girls transitioning.

[suzifrommd]

If I'm in a group of people and transgender issues come up there are a couple of things I say to try to throw people off the track.

(1) "I can't imagine what it would feel like to "know" that your gender is different from your body."

This is the honest truth. I've always felt like a man in a male body, and I really can't understand what knowing I was female with a male body would feel like, so I'm not lying.

(2) "The thought of cutting up my body like that is terrifying."

That is also the honest truth, as people who've read some of my pre-SRS blog entries can attest.

I find I can deflect suspicion that I might be trans without disparagement or transphobia.

[iKate]

I'm so for the girls who want to have their voice heard but that's just not me. Personally, I think half the time people discriminate against trans or gays is because of how OUT & PROUD they are. Again before people start attacking me, I am not saying its wrong and that its shameful but throwing it in other peoples faces and constantly feeling the need to tell someone your trans and push your views on them is wrong. When cisgender heterosexual couples kiss on the street or make it a point to make it known they are a couple, I find it annoying, uncomfortable and if its extreme PDA disrespectful.

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

People discriminate against us because they think we are icky. It doesn't matter how out and proud we are.  That said if stealth is for you then it is for you. The only place I draw the line is lying to romantic partners because I don't want to be lied to, even by omission. And truth be told I wouldn't mind being with a trans person as long as they are a decent human being.

[iKate]

Ladies as I said I respect everyone's way of living. We all have the same journey but I do feel sometimes a lot of us are out of touch of how society truly is. With all the good of the educating on trans issues the world is having we need to also see that it also is a bit harmful especially to those living a stealth life. I know cisgender girls who get "clocked" as if they were trans just because they are 5'9. With all the knowledge out there, it gets harder and harder for girls to live a "normal" life.
My ways of living stealth may not be the way you like to live but it in no way spurs hate. I try to deflect the issue as much as possible and if I have to fib and say "I don't agree with that lifestyle but I have nothing against transgender" does not constitute any hate or harm. Just like some people don't agree with Buddhist, Christian, Catholic or Jewish lifestyles doesn't mean they hate them. They just don't agree.

With the media (especially this Bruce Jenner interview) everyone is talking about it in public a lot more and sometimes for your own good you have to fib a bit. We all have fibbed due to safety issues and better treatment so for girls to attack me and report me as if I was doing something hateful (which I was reviewed and did not) is not fair. Do I agree with some transwomen parading about in mini skirts and bra-less (it happens a lot in NYC) no, I don't. But just because I don't agree doesn't make me hate anyone. It's just a matter of opinion. We all want to be seen as woman and the truth is wether some girls want to acknowledge it or not, we are't always seen that way. I have came too long in my transition to been seen as something I am not and I am blessed and fortunate that I can lead a stealth life and quite honestly nothing is going to get in the way of it just like nothing gets in the way of you girls transitioning.

I don't think I could live my life pretending to be something I'm not. That is, after all, why I am transitioning!

As for telling people you don't approve of "the lifestyle" because you want to keep up appearances? That is so off the charts dumb. Seriously if you don't want people to think you're trans you don't need to do that. Just keep your mouth shut about politics and lifestyles. Seriously there are a billion things to talk about.

Nobody has asked me about Bruce Jenner except friends who already support me. None of my coworkers have asked. I was surprised but nobody really cares. I still pass no problems, except for the voice and a bit of shadow both of which I'm remedying. I in fact get stared at when I'm in guy drag now. I doubt that has to do with Jenner.

[Jayne]

Hi everyone,

Well, I moved town. I went some place where no-one knows my history. This seems the ultimate stealth, or passing test. I introduced myself to my neighbors already. I sent them cards with my name on it. So now they know my name... I did this to prevent any gossip. All seems good, so far. Well, I manage to pass quite good by now. Not even men notice anything, even intimacy works well. So a good chance that no one will find out. And I like it that way. I want to burn the past, and everything related to it. I have no contact with anyone anymore. About 90% of people in my life left after coming out. The other 10% left in due time. It is very difficult, but I have to. I have to create myself, solidify my identity, surround myself with new people and start a brand new life.

And yet, and yet... and yet... this dysphoria is some nasty stuff to deal with. I still have some. It bothers me, because no one else is bothered by me. To this day I still do not have enough self-confidence. The dysphoria is still present, a little voice that sometimes says: "Do they know?", do they think this or that?" We are very self-conscious people, it comes with the dysphoria. But damn... it is so hard to deal with the memories. I just want to forget and start all over...

Sometimes I really think I should let myself be hypnotized, to erase all the past memories...

Does anyone have some tips about dealing with post-op / stealth dysphoria? do you still have that little voice inside your head? and what did you do to change it?

Sorry for any typo's I am on a very small laptop...

Hugs.

I doubt i'll ever attain the option to go stealth but hopefully this can put your mind at ease a bit.
When I first came out my mum was obviously embarrased to be out in public with me but after a month or so even she realised something that I don't think had occured to her ever in her life, people don't pay attention to other people in public, seriously.
I'm not trying to pass as female, I don't wear skirts in public but I do wear female clothes & jewelery, i'm simply presenting as who I am at this point in my life & 99.9999% of the people I pass don't notice me, i'm just one of the herd.
Now consider that you're fortunate enough to pass, if 99% of joe public don't notice that right now I have a male body, voice, 5 O'clock shadow & a pair of breasts then surely the percentage of people that clock someone who does pass must be much, much smaller. I'd say these few, rare people would be more likely to look at a cis-woman & wrongly label her as trans.

When you go out the most important thing to wear to achieve acceptance is a smile

[nicolegn7]

I totally agree with lying to romantic partners after a certain period. In my opinion NO ONE is 100% passable/stealth now days. I don't care how pretty or feminine a person is. If you are married to someone and living breathing eating 24.7 with them they will find out. Now for the first few months, it's easy and I don't mind dating someone for 6 months or so without them knowing but afterwards if they love me for me they will accept me. It's just hard to get over the fact.

I used to talk to a guy, then he told me he was trans and I never looked at him the same way. I almost felt disgusted, not cause he is trans but because he was born with female genital and I am totally heterosexual.

[jumpthenexttrain]

5. **Controversial** what I am about to say but whatever. I pretend to have this stance where I don't believe in homosexuality, transgender etc. I say it's immoral and not God's plan. I act like I don't accept them but I always say "I don't hate them I just dont agree with their lifestyle. Im a catholic girl" I don't trash talk or anything but I always let it be known that I'm against that lifestyle. But im not out there with picket signs and constantly talking about it cause then it just makes you more suspicious.

I'm not proud of doing this, but I've done it. Because I'm male and I work mostly in manufacturing which isn't a gay or trans friendly environment usually. I'd rather keep my job than risk being outed as trans. I'm stealth and want to keep it that way.

[hvmatt]

Someones past and whether they choose to reveal it is totally their business.I transitioned in and stayed in the same  job so stealth there was never an option.Physically I'm tall but I pass and my voice is OK.It never was deep or resonant.These simple things afford me privileges in my daily life-I don't get stared  at,mocked, abused and my patients either dont know or if they do clock me,they dont care as they have other things on their minds.I'm lucky.Yet there are times when I wish that no-one who I didnt want to know knew.The desire for invisibility that some of us have is something i can totally relate to. But those folk who are out and proud,who are activists working for greater understanding and treatment of trans folk deserve and get my admiration and respect.

[Eva Marie]

I respect peoples choices for how they decide to live their lives whether it be in stealth or not. It's a personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. No one elected us as official activists and being an activist comes with its own risks and burdens. Not everyone is cut out for activism so it is unreasonable to think that we should all be expected to assume that role 24x7. With that said actions that could potentially bring harm to the community should be avoided if we choose not to openly advocate for the community - do no harm.

I came out at work in front of 60+ people so stealth for me is not an option. I am the company trans-girl for better or worse so I just accept what is and I try to educate people when the opportunity arises. I try to be a model employee so that I don't tarnish the reputation of trans people, because I know *that* is the yardstick that people will measure me by if I fail.

I am older with a sketchy voice so sooner or later people will figure it out and I just accept that inevitability, but in public where I'm just walking past people or going about my business no one pays me any attention.

In short i'm living my life without "transgender" pasted on my head, but i'm not denying it if asked. I am open to sharing my experience and in trying to educate people if asked. I know that I have certain things that will out me given enough time so I choose not to worry about it. I own my trans status.

[januarysunshine]

I agree with alot of whats been said here. Everyone has their own valid points.
I dont think of it as "living stealth"...i use that lingo so we're talking on the same page, but there comes a time where stealth is an irrelevant term.
You go through surgeries, fix up your life, and move on with your outside and inside genders matching. In time the whole trans thing melts away and you become 'you'. You are you with properly functioning genitalia, and it matches your perception if yourself inside. You're no longer living stealth, just living your life...does that make sense?
Yes there are always going to be concerns...do they know, will someone from the past pop up and tell, but life isnt a soap opera. If you've gotten this far, you can get through anything.
The most important thing is to believe in yourself...commit to "you"...be you, own you and live you 24/7. Forget the past...throw out pics or whatever you have to do to distance yourself. Your mind is the biggest factor in your post-SRS success/happiness. Nowadays, I'm just another hockey mom and cougar.lol IRL you'd be hard pressed to tell me from the actress hudson leick(you can google her, shes from Xena). But I still feel a twang of insecurity around a hockey mom who's had work done, or a blazing hot 22 year old...but I'm happy with me, happy with my looks, and most of all I'm at ease with people because I made my life about interacting on a deeper level than who has the smaller foot, or who can get the skinniest. The more superficial you remain, the less happy you'll be overall because someone will always be prettier, thinner and have smaller feet. But if you're comfortable in your own skin and move beyond the physical/judging everyone, life opens up pretty great!

[Jessica Merriman]

Stealth topics tend to crack me up a little. Those who are young and passable think they can fool the world and no one will ever know. You are just setting yourself up for a huge fall though. All it takes is one accident where you have a pelvic X ray, one promotion that requires an in depth background check, a DNA test for whatever reason, a legal incident from the past to catch up with you and so much more. I have a medical and Law Enforcement background and know just how much information is assimilated from birth to death and the ways that information can be revealed, leaked or posted. Do you really want to fool yourselves thinking no one will ever know then lose everything when the truth is revealed one way or another? Living silently without fanfare is one thing, but the days of true stealth are long gone. Technology has not only taken privacy away, but guarantees stealth, true stealth is long gone. I personally do not want to lose everything up to my life by not living true period. You can be silent and not volunteer information, but give a 13 year old a Hot Pocket, Mountain Dew and a laptop for 30 minutes or less and your stealth is gone. If you are transgender, your will always be transgender. There is no button on any keyboard for new identity and a fresh start.

[Jessie Ann]

So true Jessica. I am a lawyer and have worked on personal privacy issues for years and no matter how hard you try you can never truely lose your past. The amount of data that is out there on everyone is frightening.  Data aggregators have so much information on people and are more than willing to sell it. So if you have had your name changed through a legal process it can be discovered.

Me, I have been employed by the same employer for 27 years, so there is no opportunity for me to be stealth. Because stealth isn't an option for me I have elected to publicly come out and try to educate my co-workers and the public. I have allowed the local TV news affiliate of one of the big 3 networks to document the early parts of my transition so that the public can be educated on what we have to go through. I am hopeful that my efforts will lead to greater public understanding. 

I can only control myself and I won't judge how others want to handle their lives/transitions.  To each their own!

Stealth topics tend to crack me up a little. Those who are young and passable think they can fool the world and no one will ever know. You are just setting yourself up for a huge fall though. All it takes is one accident where you have a pelvic X ray, one promotion that requires an in depth background check, a DNA test for whatever reason, a legal incident from the past to catch up with you and so much more. I have a medical and Law Enforcement background and know just how much information is assimilated from birth to death and the ways that information can be revealed, leaked or posted. Do you really want to fool yourselves thinking no one will ever know then lose everything when the truth is revealed one way or another? Living silently without fanfare is one thing, but the days of true stealth are long gone. Technology has not only taken privacy away, but guarantees stealth, true stealth is long gone. I personally do not want to lose everything up to my life by not living true period. You can be silent and not volunteer information, but give a 13 year old a Hot Pocket, Mountain Dew and a laptop for 30 minutes or less and your stealth is gone. If you are transgender, your will always be transgender. There is no button on any keyboard for new identity and a fresh start.

[kelly_aus]

I agree with alot of whats been said here. Everyone has their own valid points.
I dont think of it as "living stealth"...i use that lingo so we're talking on the same page, but there comes a time where stealth is an irrelevant term.
You go through surgeries, fix up your life, and move on with your outside and inside genders matching. In time the whole trans thing melts away and you become 'you'. You are you with properly functioning genitalia, and it matches your perception if yourself inside. You're no longer living stealth, just living your life...does that make sense?
Yes there are always going to be concerns...do they know, will someone from the past pop up and tell, but life isnt a soap opera. If you've gotten this far, you can get through anything.
The most important thing is to believe in yourself...commit to "you"...be you, own you and live you 24/7. Forget the past...throw out pics or whatever you have to do to distance yourself. Your mind is the biggest factor in your post-SRS success/happiness. Nowadays, I'm just another hockey mom and cougar.lol IRL you'd be hard pressed to tell me from the actress hudson leick(you can google her, shes from Xena). But I still feel a twang of insecurity around a hockey mom who's had work done, or a blazing hot 22 year old...but I'm happy with me, happy with my looks, and most of all I'm at ease with people because I made my life about interacting on a deeper level than who has the smaller foot, or who can get the skinniest. The more superficial you remain, the less happy you'll be overall because someone will always be prettier, thinner and have smaller feet. But if you're comfortable in your own skin and move beyond the physical/judging everyone, life opens up pretty great!

You talk as if surgeries are a requirement of transition, they are not. Some of us are unable to have SRS, some for financial reasons, some for reasons of personal choice, or like in my case, some for medical reasons. That doesn't mean I haven't changed as much as my documentation as I can, nor does it mean that I don't live the life of a woman.

And Jessica makes a good point about 'stealth', I once asked a private investigator how long it would take to find out if someone was trans or not - he replied about $500 and 48 hours..

[Nicole]

Stealth topics tend to crack me up a little. Those who are young and passable think they can fool the world and no one will ever know. You are just setting yourself up for a huge fall though. All it takes is one accident where you have a pelvic X ray, one promotion that requires an in depth background check, a DNA test for whatever reason, a legal incident from the past to catch up with you and so much more. I have a medical and Law Enforcement background and know just how much information is assimilated from birth to death and the ways that information can be revealed, leaked or posted. Do you really want to fool yourselves thinking no one will ever know then lose everything when the truth is revealed one way or another? Living silently without fanfare is one thing, but the days of true stealth are long gone. Technology has not only taken privacy away, but guarantees stealth, true stealth is long gone. I personally do not want to lose everything up to my life by not living true period. You can be silent and not volunteer information, but give a 13 year old a Hot Pocket, Mountain Dew and a laptop for 30 minutes or less and your stealth is gone. If you are transgender, your will always be transgender. There is no button on any keyboard for new identity and a fresh start.

I think you're wrong.
I came out at 14, we moved states not long after & started blockers, HRT at 18 & SRS at 21.
My extended family are fantastic, its not big, but its close.

Outside of my family, there are 2 people who know.
My 2 very best friends, both of whom I trust to the end of the earth.

I do not use the same email accounts, last name (I have my mothers maiden name for one side).
I use social media, however I have 2 facebook accounts, both are set to very private and only started the second one when I had a trans person add me and comment on a few pics.
I don't share many photos, mainly due to I still see "guy" in my face, its something I don't believe will ever leave me.

Yes a 13yo could crack my case, but you know what, in order for that to happen you'll need to piss someone off pretty bad.

I've long felt "gutless" about trans issues when brought up in my day to day life. in fact I'm quite ashamed at the way I've kept myself back from it all over the last few years, I've even posted on here about how one of my friends is transphobic and it hurts that I don't say anything for fear of being outted.



The reason I told my 2 closest friends was because one asked why was I so shy with little things, yet so out going with others, one thought I had been abused when I was younger and we had a very D&M.

[brianna1016]

To the OP.. please give us updates! I want to live vicariously through you

[januarysunshine]

You talk as if surgeries are a requirement of transition, they are not. Some of us are unable to have SRS, some for financial reasons, some for reasons of personal choice, or like in my case, some for medical reasons. That doesn't mean I haven't changed as much as my documentation as I can, nor does it mean that I don't live the life of a woman.

And Jessica makes a good point about 'stealth', I once asked a private investigator how long it would take to find out if someone was trans or not - he replied about $500 and 48 hours..

I wasn't speaking of SRS as the be-all-end-all of life fixing. I was just saying that the goal of the majority of trans people is to assimilate into society as best as possible, and for the majority that requires SRS...plus there's the issue of dysphoria and the severity thereof, so speaking for the severely dysphoric, SRS is a necessity, not an option. But to each her own...

I think the private det was blowing smoke. I've had every record changed including ones that are 'impossible' to change, like the IRS....Once you know how they work, they screw themselves. The Social Security Admin is another one...completely impossible to deal with, but once  you do work through the red-tape to not just get a new card with proper marker attached, you can go back and have the old records purged. All it takes is having everything performed 15 years prior to retirement, because all the elder-programs you qualify for at retirement are based on SS earnings/info, and can only go back 15 years. Hell, I've even had a new degree issued from my highschool and college--they were perfectly cooperative. I can't go and track down every yearbook pic where I might be glimpsed in the corner of someone else's pic--looking like me, only not so fabulous lol...but I've changed my legal name 3 times now between my SRS and 2 marriages...and that's all among 3 different continents too. If any private eye could burn through all that and actually come up with concrete, irrefutable proof of my being transgendered, I'd say bravo to him/her. And also, if someone is *that* determined to *prove* someone is transgendered, 1)what does that say about the stalker? Maybe get a life? and 2)if after all the record changes and name changes, etc.  if I'm confronted with actual irrefutable proof of my being transgendered, I can own it and be fine with it. Being stealth is just a more convenient  way of being because it takes so damn long to explain to people just what it means to be trans.

[Obfuskatie]

I get being circumspect, and believe me I've been betrayed by friends in the past. But I honestly think a part of the dysphoria we go through is from lack of accepting ourselves. How psychologically damaging is it to hide from everyone post transition? Not everyone is accepting and I absolutely don't advocate getting scarlet T's or whatever, but it feels to me like yet another denial of self for something that isn't wrong or bad in the first place.
There's a difference between discarding everything about who you are and just starting over somewhere new. Finding new friends and work is always important. Reevaluating what's important to you and redefining yourself is part of the pursuit of self-betterment. Just don't let yourself ever be ashamed of who you are. Don't involve yourself with bigots and you don't have to completely isolate yourself.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rejennyrated]

I get being circumspect, and believe me I've been betrayed by friends in the past. But I honestly think a part of the dysphoria we go through is from lack of accepting ourselves. How psychologically damaging is it to hide from everyone post transition? Not everyone is accepting and I absolutely don't advocate getting scarlet T's or whatever, but it feels to me like yet another denial of self for something that isn't wrong or bad in the first place.
There's a difference between discarding everything about who you are and just starting over somewhere new. Finding new friends and work is always important. Reevaluating what's important to you and redefining yourself is part of the pursuit of self-betterment. Just don't let yourself ever be ashamed of who you are. Don't involve yourself with bigots and you don't have to completely isolate yourself.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh God are you my long lost twin or something? I spent hours writing a post rather like this earlier today only to delete it because I felt it might not come across in the right way, but you've summed it up very nicely.

My gut on this, from the perspective of 3 decades in, is why go through all that to swap one uncomfortable closet for another? Why exchange one lie (that we really are our birth gender) for another (that we never had any treatment or transition). The truth is the truth whether we like it or not, and living with a lie is just as psychologically damaging post-transition as it is pre-transition.

As a trainee medic I now know quite a few psychiatrists. Some of them would tell you that they see a fair few "stealth" transpeople. Often their own lack of self acceptance eats away at them, because the one person they cant hide the truth from is themsleves. The same shrinks see far fewer who are being reasonably open. Go figure. Indeed some doctors are now questioning if the intention to try to live in absolute stealth should be seen as a contra-indication to treatment...

For me the freedom I get from striking a sensible balance between openess and discretion vastly outweighs any negatives or risks. Obviously its an individuals free choice, but I affraid the medical evidence is clearly there that being too secretive is not entirely healthy.