What's the best way to come out to an ex?

[Autumnleaf]

Hi there everyone,

So I have this dilemma.  I need to come out to my ex-wife since we have joint custody of my daughter (who stays with me or her mom depending on my days off.)  We've been divorced for about 7-8 years and shes already remarried.  Her and I get along pretty well and although we aren't close, we try to help each other out whenever we can. 

The thing is, I want to come out to her before I come out to my daughter who just turned 13.  Since my daughter and I are very close, I want to take it as slowly as possible with her so that it too much of a shock.  And, my ex needs to know since, well...yeah.  So everyone, any recommendations on how to do it?  I'm starting HRT next month and initially thought about waiting a year or so before I come out but I figure it's best to do it sooner rather than later.  Should I write her a letter, email?  Should I just meet up with her for lunch?  Or just tell her on the phone?  Not sure what to do as I'm sure it'll be a total shock to her, although I think she'll be somewhat supportive.  Well, either supportive or indifferent.

Anyway, I would love to hear any thoughts, recommendations, experiences you all had. 

[enigmaticrorschach]

eh, question. is your ex-wife one of those people who would flip at something drastic?

[Autumnleaf]

You know, I think when she was younger, yeah.  As to now....not too sure but she probably would be shocked...and maybe laugh (the nervous, what the hell? kind of reactionary laugh)  In all honesty, she would probably be pretty uncomfortable about it.

[enigmaticrorschach]

well, than i would suggest do it slowly. since you have a child, things could get messy. if your seeing a therapist, talk it over with them.

[JenniferGreen]

I came out to my ex by accident of Facebook. She called me and I was scared she was going to stop me seeing the kids.  She was actually nice to me for once and when I told her that I was transgender she replied that she thought I was very brave! We agreed that I would not come out to the kids until later and it would be done in consultation with her.  Like any parent we just put the kids first and put our own stuff aside.  I hope that's what your ex does however you decide to tell her.  I am not sure how you do it is as important as doing it.  Your doing it because you love your daughter not her. Good luck and let us know how it goes? Jx

[Autumnleaf]

Thank you Jennifer!  I spoke to my therapist about this exact issue and I'll have to come out to my ex eventually.  As to when...I have no idea but I am definitely not looking forward to it.  We've always had a amicable relationship after the divorce so I hope that she won't freak out when I tell her.

[JenniferGreen]

Yeah I know what you mean.  If I had not come out by accident I probably would not have told her by now. I suppose it's like the coming out in general. You have fears of negative consequences . If you have had a good relationship post split that's probably a good sign that the prospects are in the positive side of things. It's going to happen some time so maybe it's better to get it over with a long time before transition so that she has time to adjust and go through all the questions and concerns for your daughter well in advance of any big steps.  It's just a thought but the more time the better is my thinking.  Just for the record I find it a comfort that my ex knows. Not sure why but I suppose I still need to have a relationship of sorts with her in terms of joint parenting.