Whew, twenty three and soon this August to be twenty four.. Time flies. This entire time I have been able to hold onto myself and be mentally stable. Sound enough that I am not lost in the depths of despair, blinded with adolescent sympathy allowing the world. Healing and nurturing. Being fed up of the world I was living within which had been destructive, a constant struggle, untrustworthy.. A path not enjoyable, managable by those powered by will but still scars on anyone is a scar. Personal venting in hopes of inspiring others who live within LaLa Land with me!
Life is so beautiful and a constant beauty, at my worst I have seen the most silver linings. Of course we all have these opportunities no matter what our lives consist of but it is what becomes of you and what you choose to do with it is what matters most. Intentions Ex: Destructive / Promoting .. For my lack of vocabulary words in my memory bank, but as other goals I have for myself, I will eventually be a powerhouse of worderzy.. Vamoosh! I have many goals in my life, much I have not thought through my up and down journey. When life was simpler in an aspect living with my guardians, and stepping out into the world in an unexpected way.
I am glad to have been officially going through the hormone therapy process for an entire 7 months this 25th, and I had once transitioned approximately as long my current time in transition. Feeling my masculine coated feminine ways resurface up and fill me with joy that I feel genuine and comfortable with my expressions, and with my PERSONAL value, as fluent or natural as the process needs to be in order for me to become {Insert Name} aha
Totally comfortable after feeling the world was coming down on me, but if so, carry on! Focus, two years, so many changes from skin, scent/pheromones, hair growth/texture, nail thinning, athrophy of muscles, breaties, fat redistribution, mentally: memories resurface/ honesty within my emotions and self, precision in all activities that take mental stability probably due to lack of stress since now on hormones and that I actually feel better and fluent, also my identification is sure I am who I am, being the paradox natural I continue to live as, spirtuality is the accomplishment of surviving the self acceptance, neglect from self and others, putting efforts and intetions towards becoming the lady I know myself to be and always was until I gave up on life, but still put a horse leg to front.. This does go further than transition but also into all aspects of life. I Shall Yuck Not One Persons Yum!
Even to settle myself down and get to school, applying for SSI (PTSD) and finally can be comfortable with the choice knowing I need to help myself and no one will do that for you. So worried (lolPTSD) that as being a woman and being not considered sane because of transition I was nervous of being considered unstable or insane, completly mad! Now I am taking the help that I need, I am disabled and cannot function within common life, for now. Pursue my passions, become educated, and level out to become who I am to be.. Totally not giving up, believing in self!
Throughout my journey finding those people has been such a crutch, because everyone I know now is an associate new people in and out from evil to Love, and all within the spectrum.. Those who want to run their own 'game' on you, to those who have hospitality warming and in perfect synchronitcity in a dire moment. *sigh* (sad face but true, giving opportunity for true friendships to come and be genuine full of only trust/honest)
Within my (personal) life, those who want/need to have a healthy relationship need to know of who I am as I know who they are. Not bringing up transition but casual life, duh!
Common respect for others and all. Even a joke on me! No eggshells go for it! Not those jokes that are just 'clocky' or you know that person who truly does not like someone like you so they slide with it, or just make it awkward.
The loneliness one can face, gooooosh! There are men who I could become associated with and have sexual flings with but totally not my cup of tea, and would rather wait for the next relationship. Then let the handcuffs, aphrodisiacs, candle wax and role playing begin! Did I mention, sometimes inscents?? Life can be at ease and simple, how I like it.
Being young and just getting over it I recently let go of modeling, becoming a Innovative & Inspirational aritist, and of course I had a legit business plan and how to incorporate all these areas into building myself into business typhoon, of course with some understudy or schooling involved could always improve, or be within the know. Now though, I just want to see where it all goes, psh maybe become an 'All American' but the 'trans way' but there is no face to trans people and no structured way to live that.
Where do I see myself, in a few years, *really crossed fingers* in school and living.. Not sure what will be all going on within that, but to be old and educated in a science field, or however the TERMONOLGY (sp and a jab joke at myself because I will incoporate science into my everyday life.) I understand the mythology/shaman/spiritual side of my life, my personal experience for my efforts yadayada, cannot speak for anyone else but self, so my own advice.. I got that side down but need science.. To try, and, TAKE OVER THE WORLD! BUwahahahaha!
I am a fan of anime because they create the characters to be indentifiable to those around us, what some may aspire to be, or how our attitudes can match and be very similar. Anyways.. Cliche character... But I thinking Lady Tsunade and if not that, AT LEAST, Sakura.. and I know she gets down, and I am far behind in episodes, a few month old update from my brother.. Ello Pep..
But I am the brown skin, afro styling, American bred transwoman version! Hip, hip, hooray..
But in real time! Sure maybe no hand signs, or ninja tools but to be a shaman and educated our modern day era, rather die contributing than exhausted in rants fueled with anger.. Dramatic me..
=).. =/.... >8/... -_-// Life
