why did it take so long

meganmichelle · May 03, 2015, 12:34:40 AM

I'm so angry at myself, I have wrecked my past marriages and relationships, destroyed myself, swung out at the emptiness around me, and abused myself beyond belief. Finally a year ago I figured myself out, based on an article I read about someone coming out transgender. It was suddenly like all the lights in a dark room suddenly were turned on. a MASSIVE AHA moment I will never forget. I went from being out of focus, to being 100% in focus. and now I'm dealing with the struggle of being married and trying to find a way forward, without losing that person I hold so dear to me and my child, as well as extended family.

So I'm in stealth, I'm dying to come out, to transition, to start HRT. I've lost weight. I Still have my facial hair, yet I know I want this so bad. I'd trade almost anything to be allowed to proceed forward.

If I could go back to the beginning I'd tell myself. If I could control my birth I'd be born, female. and if there is re-incarnation... I'd want to always be born female.

so why..did it take so dam long for me to figure this out? I feel sadness for all the lost time.

Majj Wynn · May 03, 2015, 01:12:42 AM

Glad for you! for finding more of yourself, and it sounds like you're really serious about it and want to go all the way.. that's amazing.
One step at a time. Keep being honest with yourself, including about how you care for your loved ones, and make sure they know that when it comes time to it. Of course, it's not always easy, but that's part of the adventure now, I guess.

The biggest step is actually self-honesty. Really. And that's what you're finally going through, that big step.
Some stuff in life is stupid... and it may deserve being pissed off, until it's time to move on..
The past is in the past. Good to focus on where you want to go from now on

JoanneB · May 03, 2015, 11:03:10 AM

Congrats! It does get better

I was 52 when it finally dawned on me that pretty much every major disaster in my life had a root cause of how I was NOT handling being trans. Once I started taking on the trans-beast for real, rather then continuing the delicate dance that I was life improved, the relationship with my wife improved, I found joy, I am finally feeling good about living in my skin.

It's one hell of a ride though.

What I did to start was to first try to shed a lot of that emotional baggage accumulated from years of denial, shame and guilt. For the first time ever in my life I reached out for support, rather then "going it alone". I found a "local" support group some 90 miles away. I was floored the first meeting being in a room filled with others whose life stories, feelings and thoughts were almost the same as mine. By my third TG support group meeting was over I knew I needed to be there. I also knew it was just about too late to tell my wife what was up if our relationship stood any chance of survival.

There were a couple of angels there that pretty much were instrumental in helping me hang in there and help me see my reality in a more positive light. Gave me hope, gave me a sense of self worth. Provided a shoulder for me to cry on.

Six years later my wife and I are still together and even more in love. My life, my career has turned around for the better. All by taking one baby step forward at a time while reminding myself "I know what does not work"

CassieG · May 03, 2015, 02:49:21 PM

Hi MeganMichelle

I know how you feel although it sounds like your demons have been more destructive than mine. Mine were no walk in the park though. I am just coming out at the moment and finding it strange, exciting and frightening all at once. So we are both new to it. For me, not accepting what I am is not an option as I think non acceptance will be very destructive for me and those around me. I am also not going to live a lie. I have had almost 50 years of my life and I, like you, regret the lost years - but there is nothing I can do about that now. We also, more importantly, have years in front of us. I fully intend to make the best of them. More than this I am full of hope that they will be great years with this new found knowledge I have about myself and my determination to express this side of me that I was ignorant to previously. I have a wife and three children. I am so fortunate that my wife is liberally minded and is able to accept what is happening to me. At the moment we are not trying to look to far ahead. Just baby steps. We will see how things go.

Try not to be sad :-)

LCx

awilliams1701 · May 03, 2015, 03:47:00 PM

I first came out to myself about 11 months ago (end of May beginning of June). At first I didn't want to transition at all. I just wanted to crossdress. Then I wanted to transition, but wished I had been born a girl (basically feeling exactly what you said). After a few months in therapy and hormones, my situation changed. I've learned not to accept the elusive girl at the top of the mountain, but the girl that's climbing it.

It took a while, but I now see being trans as a gift. Many of us do, many of us don't. Basically it boils down to I have to go through this one way or another. There is no magic wand that will fix my body overnight. As the hormones kicked in, I started getting happier. Being trans has given me a lot. However I also understand those that lost a lot. Fortunately in my case I gained more than I lost. I even feel like I have more friends (not close friends though) than I started with.

I highly recommend finding a therapist you feel comfortable with that has some experience with the LGBT+ community. However I believe that finding someone you're comfortable with is FAR more important than specialties or even working with the LGBT+ community. A good therapist should be able to help you even if your their first LGBT+ person.

meganmichelle · May 03, 2015, 05:37:19 PM

i think the hardest part of this is now that i know . i want to take action swift action. i feel the age clock ticking.

being single i would already be on hrt, painting my nails, and wearing colorful leggings around the house,. being married. im stuck. i made promises to someone, whom i love and now. I'm conflicted deeply. i want this to go away or be given a green light by my wife, and neither is happening. my wife woke up and said she had a nightmare that i was a woman in a dress. uggg....what am i supposed to do with that? so i keep telling her that we have a good life, and we are lucky to have all that we have. and she agrees with me. and in other instances i keep pointing out that its the core of a person that matters not the shel. she gets it, and i can see she is deeply struggling with this elephant that will never go away.

Majj Wynn · May 04, 2015, 02:49:00 PM

...I understand what you're feeling (to whatever degree), and I was thinking, how can I say something to help, in your case... because with your inner struggle, you might not see an easeful way through right now. But I can still say a few things..
You're trying to make up for 'lost time', and you're feeling like rushing and that's contributing to some of the conflict..

It's like one time my little cousin was banging pieces of his toy together, and getting frusrated over it not connecting together like it 'should'. If he would've taken the time to relax, knowing what he wants, and look at the spots where it connects, he could've gone at it at the appropriate pace.

So, that's all I can say for now.. you know what you want.. you'll get chances and opportunities to make some headway here and there if you relax and go at it in a way that's good with you. It's easy to see no way to go about it when you're desperately looking for a way that'll make it perfect right away. But you can't, progress happens with time and taking the opportunities you get.
Keep journeying towards .. You!
It's normal to experience conflicting feelings though.. so it's ok even if you have trouble settling too. But trust at least a little, it'll come through at the appropriate pace, if you go with the next step you can take. I think a therapist is a good step in any case, too.

sparrow · May 04, 2015, 04:21:44 PM

Quote from: meganmichelle on May 03, 2015, 05:37:19 PM
being single i would already be on hrt, painting my nails, and wearing colorful leggings around the house,. being married. im stuck. i made promises to someone, whom i love and now. I'm conflicted deeply. i want this to go away or be given a green light by my wife, and neither is happening. my wife woke up and said she had a nightmare that i was a woman in a dress.

The hardest thing for me was accepting myself in the face of all the pain my surprise late-onset trans-ness caused my wife. Heaping loads of shame, self-loathing, guilt, blame... from, by, and for me. And then resenting her closed-mindedness. She made promises too, about sticking with me through the hard stuff! Any time I had an "a-...whu?" moment, my wife would freak out and put a ceiling on it -- that's the last thing she'll accept, please nothing more, she couldn't possibly handle it.

Now we've had about a year and a half since I cross-dressed the first time. She's helping me femme up my boy attire, since I've mostly decided to gradually come out.

A big revelation for us was looking at our dynamic. Her freakouts would trigger denial in me. Denial only works so well, and the feelings would come back. Fearing her freakout, I started to hide things from her. Then she'd find out that there was more lurking beneath the surface, and she'd (quite naturally) become startled! Downward spiral of trustbreaking on both sides. Today, I feel safe telling her exactly what I feel. I don't hide anything. As a result, she doesn't freak out any more. I trust that she's a safe person to confide in, and she trusts that she's getting the whole picture (even if it's more than she wants to know).

Majj Wynn · May 04, 2015, 04:51:39 PM

Quote from: sparrow on May 04, 2015, 04:21:44 PM
The hardest thing for me was accepting myself in the face of all the pain my surprise late-onset trans-ness caused my wife. Heaping loads of shame, self-loathing, guilt, blame... from, by, and for me. And then resenting her closed-mindedness.
[...]

A big revelation for us was looking at our dynamic. Her freakouts would trigger denial in me. Denial only works so well, and the feelings would come back. Fearing her freakout, I started to hide things from her. Then she'd find out that there was more lurking beneath the surface, and she'd (quite naturally) become startled! Downward spiral of trustbreaking on both sides.

I really like the focus you brought up, sparrow. You're right, understanding the dynamic going on can help so much ..for moving on to better.
I actually want to think about the freakouts triggering denial (or similar) bit some more, cuz I've noticed it frequently, there's definitely something to it..

meganmichelle · May 06, 2015, 07:43:05 PM

"A big revelation for us was looking at our dynamic. Her freakouts would trigger denial in me. Denial only works so well, and the feelings would come back. Fearing her freakout, I started to hide things from her. Then she'd find out that there was more lurking beneath the surface, and she'd (quite naturally) become startled! Downward spiral of trustbreaking on both sides."

That is me to a T. I can't handle her freak outs at all. right now I'm full on Guy mode, but its ticking inside me. Its alive and well and NOT going away. I love my wife, and I love having sex with her as a male. so... there is that. She said to me the other day "If you were single you would transition right away wouldn't you" I couldn't give her an answer, cause my relationship with her, means more to me than transitioning. But the answer to her theoretical question was a definite 'yes'.

CarlyMcx · May 07, 2015, 12:24:49 AM

Denial is a powerful thing. I actually researched transitioning three times in my life:

1) Early 1980's when I was in college and first discovered it was possible. I longed to be that cute teenage girl in the bikini on the beach, but back then there were only a few doctors and a few places where you could get hormones and whatnot, and they might as well have been on the moon since I was a broke college kid. So I told myself that having a girlfriend was going to fix everything, gave up the secret crossdressing, and got on with my life.

2) 1990-ish, when I finished grad school and started working, and by then things looked a lot more possible. But I read that you had to do a one year RLE to get hormones, and that would have totally wrecked my career. So I married the kind of girl my dad wanted me to, had a family, and got on with things.

3) Around 2000 after the end of my first marriage came another round of research, and even an online persona. That lasted until I was in court one day and saw a Judge deliberately misgender a pretty little Asian transgender girl who was in there on a suspended license case (her male name was on the docket). The judge called her "sir" in this sneering tone. I cried in my car over that one. The custody fight over my son was heating up, and I read the writing on the wall. I crossdressed one last time, looked in the mirror, said "That isn't me," and got on with things again.

During all that time I lived as a slightly femme guy who did some clothes shopping in West Hollywood, and had a thing for swimming in mens bikinis and small speedos. That was my coping behavior, I guess you could say. It all came crashing down when I got skin cancer last year. When I lost my "bikini time" in the sun, it was like someone died. I kept asking myself, "what was it about that that caused such a huge loss?" Well, it was the feeling of femininity. So I said to myself, what could I substitute for that that will keep me out of the sun? Visions of myself watering the plants in a big sun hat, short shorts, a camisole top....oh boy. That was when I finally came to terms with myself.

This spring I have already worn a two piece bikini in my pool, under a pair of Roxy board shorts and a loose T shirt, and I stayed on the shady side of the pool. Even covered up, wearing the girl stuff felt so much better than wearing even the tiniest men's bikini, just as I thought it would. That's all the confirmation I need that I am transgender.

meganmichelle · May 09, 2015, 07:25:55 PM

Its exhausting the denial thing. I'm at home baking my wife a cake for mothers day and my son and I went and bought her a card and I tried multiple times writing her a letter but every time the words I tried to say to her circled back to the *big issue* that I and her are in denial about. so I canned the idea of writing her a letter. and my son is working on making her a picture with colors and words

.

Yet, I *really* want her and I to talk, to understand each other. in recent conversations, or quips, I told her our relationship is not one that should hinge on conditions. My life and self discovery though selfish, have been inclusive. I want her in my life as my mate and partner ( Note she hates the words mate and partner so I just say wife or spouse). and I have also said to her that we need to be able to talk to each other, we can't right now she explodes when ever anything remotely transgender for feminine is suggested. And I've went on to say to her that when we talk to each other and we touch on the subject, of me being feminine or transgender, these discussions should not end with "and if you don't do this I will do X" or end with a conjunction to some consequence. I need to be able to talk with her, fear free for a while. What would make this even better is if she would just acknowledge it. I think that would go a long way for me. I'm already planning on not transitioning because my family is more important than my outward appearance, it WOULD be nice if she would at least acknowledge that this really is who I am.

maybe some day... anyway, happy early mothers day to all mothers here.

Ms Grace · May 09, 2015, 08:01:56 PM

Many of us would have proceeded sooner had it not been for fear of the reaction (perceived or real) that we would receive from those close to us. I had it figured it out at age 24, was two years into HRT before fear of fully coming out to my family drove me back into living as a guy for the next twenty years...

All you can do is deal with it in your own way in your own time. Yes, there is always a significant chance of loss but also there can be much to gain in the long run when living for yourself as yourself.

awilliams1701 · May 11, 2015, 12:57:43 PM

I would have at least started questioning in high school. When my trans tendencies started to surface it terrified me and I repressed the crap out of it.

acd_92 · May 11, 2015, 05:26:18 PM

Oh god. As someone who spent quite a bit of time really suppressing quite a lot, I can only say that you should really try not to beat yourself up for lost time as much as possible. It is really, really hard to come out to others, but I think it is truly hardest to come out to yourself. The more I look back, the more I realize that I had known all along, but I was just hiding it from myself. I'm pretty sure 90% of us girls have similar stories.

Sending you hugs.

"All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us."

awilliams1701 · May 12, 2015, 01:37:09 PM

I can't stress this enough. I've known my name was Ashley for at least 10 years (I still can't say where the name came from). I dreamed about being a girl for 4 years. I grew my hair out 17 years ago. I tried on a bikini 15-16 years ago. I've only accepted it as of about a year ago. June 2014.

Quote from: acd_92 on May 11, 2015, 05:26:18 PM
Oh god. As someone who spent quite a bit of time really suppressing quite a lot, I can only say that you should really try not to beat yourself up for lost time as much as possible. It is really, really hard to come out to others, but I think it is truly hardest to come out to yourself. The more I look back, the more I realize that I had known all along, but I was just hiding it from myself. I'm pretty sure 90% of us girls have similar stories.

Sending you hugs.

"All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us."

meganmichelle · May 12, 2015, 09:47:12 PM

Thanks Ashley for the shares, beautiful name btw, I love that name.

wife is at work, as soon as I'm done with kids homework and typing this. I'm going up stairs to shave off a weeks facial hair (I hate it btw) and groom myself. I'm depressed some, I've gained some weight, I need to lose it, back I'd feel better I'm sure.

Parts of me feels hopeless, my wife, my best friend,will only accept me if I'm a guy and I can't push the issue right now.

Majj Wynn · May 12, 2015, 09:51:27 PM

I always say that if a friend can't accept me for who I am, then it's not really a friend.
But I mean.. they usually come around eventually if they care! So, it's ok.
But relationships aren't always easy. They change, and that can be ok, especially if we can surround ourselves with those that do care and accept us. Look big! never lose hope because there Are caring and accepting people in the world.
Even though I say that, I still understand the hopelessness. It's not easy. But open at least just a bit if you can, there's to be good stuff too.

awilliams1701 · May 13, 2015, 12:39:01 PM

Thanks!

Quote from: meganmichelle on May 12, 2015, 09:47:12 PM
Thanks Ashley for the shares, beautiful name btw, I love that name.

wife is at work, as soon as I'm done with kids homework and typing this. I'm going up stairs to shave off a weeks facial hair (I hate it btw) and groom myself. I'm depressed some, I've gained some weight, I need to lose it, back I'd feel better I'm sure.

Parts of me feels hopeless, my wife, my best friend,will only accept me if I'm a guy and I can't push the issue right now.

meganmichelle · May 13, 2015, 09:37:26 PM

Quote from: acd_92 on May 11, 2015, 05:26:18 PM
Oh god. As someone who spent quite a bit of time really suppressing quite a lot, I can only say that you should really try not to beat yourself up for lost time as much as possible. It is really, really hard to come out to others, but I think it is truly hardest to come out to yourself. The more I look back, the more I realize that I had known all along, but I was just hiding it from myself. I'm pretty sure 90% of us girls have similar stories.

Sending you hugs.

"All we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us."

yup and thx so much