paranoia (please help)

[Jake_to_Jackie]

Ok sisters and brother please if someone out there knows something that could help me please do. And do not tell me to simply over come my fears. I tred that and i blacked out. When things realy stress me out in life i think it gets worse and worse. If you notice my emoution is wide awake i am too scared to get to sleep. i continuesly get the feeling that someone is behind me even though my back is to the wall. I am terrofied and dont know what to do. I am to the point to where i sleep with a sword. not a knife a pirate's cutlass. And i comonly wake up to my nose bleeding out of breathing heavy in my sleep making my nose dry till it bleeds. and i have even walked in my sleep. please help

your sleepless sister
Venessa

[buttercup]

I'm probably not the right person to help you here because I suffer from paranoia as well, but have you seen a doctor?  Are these thoughts purely your own feelings or is there any basis to what you're feeling, like has anyone actually threatened you or made you feel threatened?  Are you on any medication at the moment that might have side effects like paranoia or insomnia?  I know I'm just grasping at straws here but if you can get some help do it a.s.a.p.  I know if I don't get enough sleep I become quite paranoid and very much on the edge.  The heavy breathing sounds like some sort of panic attack.  Please get some help. 

buttercup   

[Jake_to_Jackie]

Thats what makes it worse. I cant get any help cause i don't have the money for it. And im still on my parents insurance. And ive tried and they won't set me up with a shrink. And I'm on no drugs but i do feel threatened by mother. I will be in a great mood and then the secound i hear my moms car. My heart drops. The reason is she found some things bout me being a women and she had been avoiding the subject. And me all together. It is making me too scared to even be in the same room as her. To even hear her voice gives me a nervous stomaches

But thank you very very very much for listening and trying to help
love ya,
Venessa

[Teri Anne]

My guess is that many or most transsexuals (and gays) suffer from paranoia.  There's a saying that I like:  "If everyone hated you, you'd be paranoid too."

My suggestion is to accept that you're paranoid and try to move on.  I'm paranoid.  I have been my whole life.  I have yet to find a cure but I think that your sword thing at night kind of crosses a line.  The last thing you should be doing, presuming you're paranoid, is doing something that will hurt yourself.  Move sharp objects away.  Protect and respect yourself.  Respecting means, in part, to get on a road of not hating yourself.  Your fear of hearing your mother's voice probably will dissipate when you learn to accept yourself.

I know it's hard but try to relax.  The cruelest torture is that what we do to ourselves.

Teri Anne

[Jake_to_Jackie]

i never said i don't accept my self i accept my self 100%. I am proud of what i am and proud to know what i want to be and think of me as beautiful smart and in control of my life. I never said i had a problem with me and don't plan to hurt my self(which is what you might of been hinting at few times) And i still fear my mom and i don't think you understand why

[Teri Anne]

Dear Venessa,
I'm glad that you accept yourself and that you don't plan to hurt yourself.  You say you have a "fear" and "feel threatened" by your mother:  "The reason is she found some things bout me being a women and she had been avoiding the subject. And me all together. It is making me too scared to even be in the same room as her. To even hear her voice gives me a nervous stomaches."

I don't think your feelings of fear are unusual in the world of TS's and TG's, pre-transition or during transition.  We fear our parents, our wives, our bosses, our coworkers.  The sword in bed-thing is a visualization of that fear -- you're feeling defensive.  You've said you "get the feeling that someone is behind me even though my back is to the wall. I am terrofied and dont know what to do."

Terror can only go on for so long and then you'll get exhausted.  If you're like me, eventually you'll be so drained by it that you HAVE to talk about it, no matter what the consequences.  Your mother is not being supportive but, I'm GUESSING that she feels she is doing her best to PROTECT you.  When my ex would throw insults in my direction, she would always state that she was trying to save me.  We ended up splitting up after 21 years of living together.  To this day, I don't believe her critiques of me were meant to hurt.  In her mind, I know she was trying to protect me from doing something that many in society deem dangerous and ill-conceived.  She had felt bigotry as a child and so didn't want that to happen to me.

It could be that your mother, like my ex, will never change her mind in trying to protect you.  Please don't be fearful of her.  It could be, though it may not seem like it, that your mother is showing in the ONLY WAY SHE KNOWS that she loves you.  Again, I'm guessing.  Only you can look into her eyes and tell for sure.

Teri Anne

[Jake_to_Jackie]

Yeah i know but thanks it did feel great to hear that. And your right the sword is just a kinda security blanket for me. But maybe soon ill find a way out of this trouble(i mean like moving out or something nothing...well you know mortal).