Did people treat you differently once you started passing?

[suzifrommd]

For those who didn't used to be passable and are now, did the way people treat you change once you started passing?

[Kellam]

I know that I have started passing here and there because people are treating me differently. With folks who knew me before it is hard to say if their changed behavior is because the just accept me or if I pass in their mind's eye. The women I work with accepted me imediately but their behavior opened up in the last few weeks. That could just be the passage of time though. The men I work with took longer with the pronouns etc. until again a few weeks back when they seemed to stop slipping and started treating me as they do the other women on the crew. I experienced some casual workplace sexism. I know I have lost my male privilege, I don't get treated as a man anymore. Sometimes not like a woman either but that is just fine. Boobs helped a ton in this department as do all the other factors. I get fewer confused stares and missgenderings, but there are still some. Most of the times a clerk in a store who has seen my credit card will start to call me "sir" but they don't get it all the way out and seem uncomfortable saying it. It's the chivalry that I wasn't ready for. Likewise the creeps who drive slow just behind me when I am out walking somewhere. I didn't realize that stuff actually happened in broad daylight! Voice is definitely my dead giveaway. I'm working on it and getting better. I'm also planning on getting VF and having my AA shaved too. Just trying to find the money! My beard shadow is the clincher. I will be passing...my voice will slip a bit...the person will all of a sudden look quizzical...they then noticeably look me up and down...then...well then I learn what their decision about me was. Ain't life fun!

[suzifrommd]

Ain't life fun!

It is kind of fun, isn't it, to watch the way people react differently to me when I'm passing. It's those confused stares that always clue me in. If I'm getting a lot of those, I'm probably not passing well.

For me, it's smiles from female strangers. If they're smiling at me, probably means I'm passing. They tend to scowl if I'm not.

[Kellam]

When other women started smiling at me I was very happy. Pre transition I had to deal with a lot of flirtatious glances and ogling. In the first month of social transition and the first month of medical, so my first two months, they started to ignore me. That was such relief!

[ainsley]

I am not sure how to vote, mainly because I am not sure how to gauge passing now or not passing before.  I am too critical of myself to say I pass because I read people's reaction to me way too heavily.  I will say this, though:

I went to pick up parts for my Bush Hog finish mower at the local farm implement supply company yesterday.  They had the spindle housing, sheave, and bolts that I needed, but not the woodruff key.  So, dressed in my CK dress straight from work, along with my wife, I am standing there asking the guy where to get the key and if I was getting one from a hardware store, how do I know if it is the prescribed size for the spindle set up I just got?  He proceeds to take the sheave off and start talking slower to me and pointing to where it goes and telling me to get one that fits in there.  Mind you, this is the 5th spindle housing I have replaced on my bush hog.  I am quite savvy with it, but they have always provided the woodruff key.  But the fact that he took on a condescending tone, got real detailed with his directions, and made me feel dumb makes me think that --Yeah, people treat me differently now that I pass...I guess. LOL  Mind you, I looked up the woodruff key specs today and the ANSI standard says it is a 3/6" X 3/4" X 1/16" #606 key.  That was all I wanted him to say. 😉

[Carrie Liz]

Pre-passing, the general response from most people in my life who I told I was transitioning was begrudging... doubts, and a LOT of people questioning me, saying things like "are you sure you know what you're doing?" and even some people who were very close to me who actually belittled me with comments like "frankly I think you'd make an ugly woman" and "I just don't see how this is going to work out" and "you know you'll never be rid of your receded hairline... you'll never be a real woman."

All of a sudden, around November of last year, everyone started apologizing to me, saying they were sorry for doubting me, and when I told them that I was still feeling unfeminine and ugly, their responses suddenly changed from "you'll never be a woman" to "how can you possibly think that you're not a woman?"

Seeing is believing.

(Side note: I'm not completely 100% passable, but I'm passable enough that nobody really cares.)

[suzifrommd]

Seeing is believing.

Unfortunately, Carrie, I think you're absolutely right.

Until I read your post, I think I didn't understand why passing was so important to me. I think it's because if I passed, if I truly looked female, people would have no choice but to accept me as a female.

Of course, it's the opposite of what I believe in. People deserve to be accepted as their identified gender regardless of passability. But the motivation is really hard to shake.

[marsh monster]

While I generally refuse to claim that I am even remotely passable, I do know that people are nicer to me and more apt to talk to me about just about anything and that's while I am working in a busy store dealing with the public(many regulars) all day long. Men tend to smile a lot at me, I get called every term of endearment for a woman that you can think of by people in general. Could be that I'm comfortable with myself while at work and that could be showing through or it could be something else, who knows. I'm relatively happy with how I am treated and it is nice to be well known and well respected by many and I've found out just how much since I came back to the store after almost a year away from the company.

Early in my transition, people tended to avoid me a little, probably because I was so obviously somewhere in the middle and I'm sure I made them uncomfortable.

[Ms Grace]

I do get the occassional odd looks in public, rather than confused though they are usually seem stunned. I can only presume it's because I'm a gorgeous Amazon and they're amazed I'd be in their lowly presence! (My own hyper inflated ego sometimes likes to believe I was a former super model)

As for being treated differently I can't say. I don't think people could see me as a woman before I transitioned but once I did they couldn't see me as a guy. On my third time out as Grace a female friend said to me she was so amazed at the difference and couldn't see the dude version of me any more.

[Martine A.]

I am a tall girl that generally passes at night.

The difference I noted is people tend to be more polite. In the crowd, I get almost no shoulder hits or pushes, which is a big difference to being out as a man. Being out as a woman sometimes feels like everyone is squeezing themselves to let me have more space. I like it.

There are also nice stares from guys gotten, as opposed to daylight.

Make up skills look like one thing to improve. I'm not even a novice there.

[Lady_Oracle]

Yep, life is a lot less stressful

[Erica_Y]

A less obvious thing I have noticed is that my space gets invaded almost all the time now compared to before including my previous guy mode days in public and and people tend to make a lot more touchy gestures during conversation. I have concluded that females are needing to defend their space more.

[RavenL]

Out in public I've noticed that other females smile at me. And generally people are more friendly towards me. One interesting thing I'm not used to is nothing against guys but they don't mind cutting my off while I'm shopping or getting in front of me. Before as a male never had that problem but I'll live with it. Also getting used to getting comments in public now. Mostly kids saying that I'm a really tall girl which I don't mind. And the occasional cat call. 

Another thing I've recently started going over to a friends house. And he has two kids six  and five years old. They knew me pre transition and could never get enough of me. He didn't tell them about me and the past  couple times I've gone over as female they don't think I'm that exciting since I'm a girl!

[Lady Smith]

I am not sure how to vote, mainly because I am not sure how to gauge passing now or not passing before.  I am too critical of myself to say I pass because I read people's reaction to me way too heavily.  I will say this, though:

I went to pick up parts for my Bush Hog finish mower at the local farm implement supply company yesterday.  They had the spindle housing, sheave, and bolts that I needed, but not the woodruff key.  So, dressed in my CK dress straight from work, along with my wife, I am standing there asking the guy where to get the key and if I was getting one from a hardware store, how do I know if it is the prescribed size for the spindle set up I just got?  He proceeds to take the sheave off and start talking slower to me and pointing to where it goes and telling me to get one that fits in there.  Mind you, this is the 5th spindle housing I have replaced on my bush hog.  I am quite savvy with it, but they have always provided the woodruff key.  But the fact that he took on a condescending tone, got real detailed with his directions, and made me feel dumb makes me think that --Yeah, people treat me differently now that I pass...I guess. LOL  Mind you, I looked up the woodruff key specs today and the ANSI standard says it is a 3/6" X 3/4" X 1/16" #606 key.  That was all I wanted him to say.

Ainsley, I hear you on this one (sigh).  I used to be an automotive engineer and being talked down to in hardware stores and engineering supply places got old really fast.  The local hardware store in town is good though as they know me now as a mechanical tinkerer who has some real skills up her sleeve.

[Swayallday]

Pre-passing, the general response from most people in my life who I told I was transitioning was begrudging... doubts, and a LOT of people questioning me, saying things like "are you sure you know what you're doing?" and even some people who were very close to me who actually belittled me with comments like "frankly I think you'd make an ugly woman" and "I just don't see how this is going to work out" and "you know you'll never be rid of your receded hairline... you'll never be a real woman."

All of a sudden, around November of last year, everyone started apologizing to me, saying they were sorry for doubting me, and when I told them that I was still feeling unfeminine and ugly, their responses suddenly changed from "you'll never be a woman" to "how can you possibly think that you're not a woman?"

Seeing is believing.

(Side note: I'm not completely 100% passable, but I'm passable enough that nobody really cares.)

That's somewhat comforting. I suppose the process isn't easy for anyone. Still superlame with all the discrimination though. -_-

If there are more people with this experience, i'd love to hear them.

Like were people rude before but suddenly not anymore?
Or people who seemingly abandoned you... came back?

Sorry if that comes of as shallow. No, I don't need their validation. I do want a social life though .

[ainsley]

Ainsley, I hear you on this one (sigh).  I used to be an automotive engineer and being talked down to in hardware stores and engineering supply places got old really fast.  The local hardware store in town is good though as they know me now as a mechanical tinkerer who has some real skills up her sleeve.

Yes!  I am noticing this very much lately.  Even at work I have noticed the guys in IT speak to me (before they really get to know me) like I am a tech idiot.  I am far from a tech n00b (more than a decade in IT) and just take their condescension as a small form of gender validation, rather than an insult.  Similar to being interrupted by men when speaking....ugh.  When I told my speech therapist about the interruptions her eyes went real wide, she smiled and said "Welcome to it!". LOL

[AbbyKat]

Women who are obviously hetero are still flirting with me so I guess I'm looking forward to that changing and seeing obviously gay women hitting on me. 

I'm married to a woman who was attracted to me as the man I never was and is attracted to me now as the woman I always was but am just recently growing into.

I fully expect to experience the full range of reactions as I transition more and more.  Hopefully I'll get to the finish line and look around to see everybody act indifferent towards me.  That's all I want from people: indifference.

[schwarzwalderkirschtort]

i'm half way. i pass if it's only my voice or when i'm not outed, but i think people can tell i'm trans. i get a lot of dirty looks. people who don't react negatively often comment that i'm very cute - not in a "hot" way, but like a fluffy bunny way. being "cute" is part of me i guess, which i assume is what makes people shoot me dirty looks.

  last summer on holidays, a woman was staring at me for so long and so keenly that my mom had to ask her to stop because it was making our entire group uncomfortable. Another time in a shop, i asked for help and got sent to the chemist, where the woman put a lot of emphasis on "SHE" while glaring at me. she was literally going "this GIRL would like some help for HER dry skin." i was too afraid to speak up.

   i am out to a few friends, and they all agree that i look more masculine than feminine for sure. with one or two people, when i came out, they were more like "wow, no ->-bleeped-<-" than "wow, i had no idea".

  i'm in a weird situation. i'm stuck in the girl's uniform in school, i'm not out, but i don't look girly at all. A few times people have forgotten that I'm supposed to be a girl (lol) and it's great. guys in school are WAAAY nicer to me now, it's pretty crazy. the few girls who aren't more or less shunning me are super nice, and it's awesome.

[Kellam]

Just changed my vote, there isn't a person, stranger or family, who treats me the same as before.

[Arch]

People who don't know I'm trans treat me differently than before. I expect that this is the case for most of us.

As for those who knew me before, it's hard to tell because many of them had to adjust gradually, so I think I'm less likely to notice. However, my ex now shakes hands with me when we part after socializing. It's a little odd, but I go with the flow.