As I have mentioned before, this past Tuesday was my first day at work as my true self. I put this together, it's kinda long, to document what happened.
On Labor Day spouse and I slept in and had a leisurely breakfast. We just puttered around the house and did small jobs that needed doing. As the day wore on I began to think about how the next day might be. I got more and more anxious so I went to #chat and told the others about how I was feeling. I got so much support and advice and jokes that I felt a lot better, but not completely calm. I went to bed near 11:00 and had a fitful night, tossing and turning and having truly weird dreams which, although I could remember that they were strange, I couldn't remember the actual content either.
I was awake on Tuesday morning at about 4:30am. I tried to get back to sleep and it was impossible so I got up around five. I still hadn't decided what I would wear. I sat quietly on my usual spot on the couch, petted the cat and reflected about the past couple years and how far I have come. Looking back it seems to have gone so quickly yet when I was in the middle of it, it didn't seem as if it would ever end. I turned on the TV and after watching the news and weather I started to get ready.
All along I was feeling tense and distracted - all the symptoms I usually get when I'm nervous. After I got done in the bathroom and got my face on I just sat there, in my underwear in front of the closet, trying to figure out what to put on. It was so different, though, from all those other days when I dreaded putting on what was in my closet. This time I had so many things I wanted to wear that I just couldn't pick only one!
I still couldn't decide so I got back onto #chat room to distract myself for a bit, I hoped that as time went on and the prospect of being late got more and more real, that I'd be forced to make a quick decision on what to wear and get the job done that way. One of the people who I had spoken to the night before, Meghan, had set her alarm and gotten up early just to be there in case I needed support. I couldn't believe it, how sweet a gesture that was! It was way early for her too, because she lives on the west coast. She even gave me her cell phone number in case I needed to talk to someone! Her support really made me feel much better.
Talking to the others who were on #chat (ty Alice!) calmed me down and made me feel really good. I decided that, ultimately, I needed to wear what I would be most comfortable in since I'd have enough stress besides my clothes to deal with. I put on a new pair of jeans with a medium blue tunic top and slip on sandals. Of course I wore the beautiful locket s[ouse gave me for my birthday and I put in some pretty large earrings, a pair that I bought from a catalog that a coworker let me use. When it came time to go I sent into the bedroom to say bye to spouse. She said I looked pretty and reassured me that I wold be fine. I was feeling good after all the support I got on Susan's and that was just the cherry on top. So off I went!
As I got out of my car at the parking lot who should be the first people to see me? The girl who outed me a short 4 months ago and her boyfriend! I waved and they returned the wave. I caught her taking a second look out of the corner of my eye as they passed me. Talk about irony! I went up the back stairs the way I usually do and saw no one else on the way.
My cube was in the same shape as when I left it. Nothing was disturbed.
After a bit, I decided to go check on the new unisex bathroom. The plumbing was done, gratia Dei, but there was no toilet paper, no paper towels and no soap. A friend told me that they must have finished it on the weekend because when she left on Friday afternoon, the toilet still wasn't installed. I told the administrative assistant, who found some toilet paper and towels. My jewelry catalog friend, stole a soap dispenser from the other ladies room. Paper dispensers were installed before noon. I stole a waste basket from an empty cubicle. The door needs a hook, there's no place top put your purse when you bring it in there. The mirror and light are awesome though.
It seemed as if people were afraid to even look at me that morning, although the ones who couldn't avoid it seemed OK. My cube is right on a "T" intersection. It was almost funny to see how hard some people are working not to look as they walk past. Either that or my extreme beauty is too much for them to bear and they just HAD to look away. ^_~
The girl who outed me seems to have a problem with me still but was tolerant towards me, in any event. She got better as the day went on. It's going to be interesting in the future because she's the person I'll be working the most closely with in the next few weeks. My boss and I didn't have much interaction so I never got a sense of where he's at. Two of the other ladies in my department were, and continue to be, absolutely fantastic.
My oldest friend was in his office as I walked by. I waved and he waved back. Later on, he was walking down the hallway as I turned into the same hallway going the opposite direction. He saw me, stopped for a split second and then turned into the cube nearest to where he was standing. I can't be sure that he did this to purposefully avoid me but it sure looked like it. A couple days later he walked right past me and ignored my greeting. *sigh*
Most of the day was otherwise uneventful. Lunch came and went with no interruptions. At 2:00 in the afternoon the department had ice cream sundaes in honor of the boss' birthday and I was invited without apparent hesitation. We sat in his office and ate them and I seemed to be accepted OK, even if two of the other girls monopolized the conversation. I spilled a drop and made a stain, right in the middle of my top, even with my breasts, you couldn't miss it. Dangit! Some things never seem to change. I'd love to get through at least one day without wearing something I should have eaten before the day was over.
Most of the others in the office either avoided me or ignored me which is nothing unusual. So, I have to admit, that even though I was really uptight, it was for nothing, everything went quite well. I'm very grateful for the support and encouragement I've received here at Susan's and am thankful that the company and the HR department did such a nice job supporting me so well in what could easily have become a nightmare for me.
So that's what happened! I'm thrilled and relieved that this hurdle has been successfully passed. I realized yesterday that I feel that I've gone over the hump, I'm on the downhill slope now. I hope it lasts!
hugs & smiles
Emelye
