Upcoming Surgery

[DawnL]

It is now less than 30 days to my surgery.  I would like to say that I approach this with a sense of peace but I do not.  My transition to this point has taken less than two years and I have been very lucky: some of my friends and most of my family still talk to me, my partner has stayed, and my business survived the disclosure though it took quite a hit.  I have fully accepted that I am a transsexual woman and never think about going back--that life was a prison.  I am still trying to deal with the sorrow of what was lost; a normal part of transition I would guess.  So what is the problem?  I'm afraid.  Not of making a mistake, but of complications and loss of function.  I'm torn between the "deformity" down there and the fact that otherwise, I'm medically healthy.  I'll probably never have sex again with another person but the incongruent anatomy is very upsetting.  I doubt I'll chicken out but the countdown has been filled with considerable conflict.  I apologize to anyone finds surgery out of reach, I probably sound like I'm whining.  Maybe what I really need is a slap upside the head.

Dawn

[Northern Jane]

SLAP!

Feel better now?

Pre-surgery jitters are normal. All you should have to do to reaffirm the necessity for this step is to remember all the things that have led you here.

For me, it was a nip-and-tuck battle right up to the day I checked into hospital - life's circumstances seemed to conspire to prevent me from getting surgery. It was not until I was tucked into bed the night before SRS that I realized it was actually LIKELY that I was going to make it.

For me, there was NOTHING left of the past - I had to give it all up to get to SRS - family, friends, a budding career, life's savings - all gone. I had no idea what lay ahead. But all I had to do was think of the pain and agony that had brought me to that point and I knew I had no choice.

Nearly 32 years later, I look back on my life (since then) and marvel at how full and wonderful it has been, at the beautiful things that have happened, and the wonderful things I have been able to do, at the multitude of great friends I have had. I marvel at how full my life has been and how empty it was before SRS.

[Leigh]

Dawn

Probably the last thing you will hear before going under is the Dr. asking some variation of "is this what you really want"  Mine said "are you ready for this"  Its the last chance option before eventhing is irrevocable.  Thee are hundreds of wrong reasons for going under the knife and only one right reason.

I can't and won't speak for others but I never had one moments doubt.  Not from the moment I started transition until I went under.  I don't personally know anyone who got that far and refused surgery but my Dr. told me later that it does happen.  Most of the time the regrets start later, a few days to weeks/months and we never hear about them.

Loss of function?  Join the ranks of womanhood Dawn.  Many women fail to acheive orgasm no matter their past natal history.  If you are worried about function maybe it would be best to examine why you are going for surgery.  Sex is the last reason anyone should have.  Fortunately the techniques today almost quarantee that the patient has the capability of being sensate afterward.  I say capability due to the fact that for many there may be a psychological problem relating to having sex, maybe for the first time in their life.

Please Please make sure that this is what you truely need

[Sheila]

I will have to agree with Leigh. I never had any doubts and if the dr did ask me that question, I don't think I ever heard it. I was so happy that I had go this far, cause I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have accomplished the surgery. I went to Thailand and I had never been outside the US in my whole life and I was going to have major surgery. I couldn't wait. It was like a child waiting for Christmas. There have been cases and I know of a couple who have gone and had surgery and they decided they really didn't want it. Well, it is too late then. This is why we have the Harry Benjamin rules. The two that I know got their meds. through the internet and they knew what they wanted. One had surgery with Meltzer and the other with one of the Canadian surgeons.
Sheila

[Shelley]

I would like to say that I approach this with a sense of peace but I do not.

Personally I would be quite concerned if you didn't have any worries about this enormous step. You are about to undergo a change in your life that you cannot return from and this should give any sane person pause for thought.

I agree with Leigh that you must be sure but also remember that every major stage brings with it feelings of trepidation. This is our defense mechanisms challenging our thinking so that we put much thought into what we are about to do.

God luck with your journey and please remember what you are about to do is for you. You've worked hard to get where you are and you deserve to do what is right for you what ever that is for you.

Hugs Shelley

[DawnL]

SLAP! Feel better now?

Pre-surgery jitters are normal. All you should have to do to reaffirm the necessity for this step is to remember all the things that have led you here.

Yes, thank you!  Your advice mirrors that of my therapist.  All the things that have led me here have become an irresistable force pushing me through transition.  I've felt more focused the past few days.  Sometimes just speaking your fears helps dispell them.  I expect a few more moments of hesitation before it's all over.  I had a severe moment of doubt four days before my facial feminization surgery and was ready to cancel.  I decided to wait for 24 hours to see if I still felt the same way but the feeling passed--it was just nerves.  I knew I would hate myself if I didn't do it.  Six months later, I have no regrets about that surgery at all.  I think I will hate myself if I don't do this.

Dawn
[/b]Please Please make sure that this is what you truely need[/b]

That really sums this up.  It isn't so much about what you want as what you need.  That's a good way to look at it.  I do believe this is what I need.  Talk about not being defined by our genitals is a bit hollow.  They may not define me, but it's hard to feel completely like a woman with that thing there.

I couldn't wait. It was like a child waiting for Christmas.
Sheila

Glad that worked for you, but that's just not me.  I'm too reflective, I think too much, but there are no regrets in my transition thus far and I see none coming. 

Good luck with your journey and please remember what you are about to do is for you. You've worked hard to get where you are and you deserve to do what is right for you what ever that is for you. Hugs Shelley

Thank you and thank you all for responding.  Attitude is everything I guess.  Today I'm ready, sure that I'm doing the right thing.  Tomorrow who knows    Though I have been lucky, none of this has been easy, why should this be?

Dawn

[stephanie_craxford]

Hey there Dawn.

I'm always a little envious, well really envious of those who I hear are scheduled for their surgery.  I know I shouldn't be as I'm planning for mine to be scheduled around this time next year, hopefully at the Menard Clinic in Montreal.  I guess it's just human nature, huh!

Regardless of this I would just like to wish you nothing but the best, and for a speedy, uncomplicated recovery.  I've never had any surgery myself and the notion of being put under is a little unnerving for me to say the least, and I imagine you are experiencing the same  feeling to a degree.

I can't remember if you've commented on your FFS here before, but on that note my wife surprised the heck out of me on boxing day.  She asked me if I thought I should get FFS first and then look at GRS/SRS.  It kinda caught me off guard to say the least.  We discussed it a lot as like many we have limited funds and to have the FFS first would severely delay GRS/SRS, and I'm not getting any younger.

Steph

[DawnL]

Regardless of this I would just like to wish you nothing but the best, and for a speedy, uncomplicated recovery.  I've never had any surgery myself and the notion of being put under is a little unnerving for me to say the least, and I imagine you are experiencing the same feeling to a degree.

I can't remember if you've commented on your FFS here before, but on that note my wife surprised the heck out of me on boxing day.  She asked me if I thought I should get FFS first and then look at GRS/SRS.  It kinda caught me off guard to say the least.  We discussed it a lot as like many we have limited funds and to have the FFS first would severely delay GRS/SRS, and I'm not getting any younger.

Thanks Steph.  I've now been put under twice so I worry about that less.  I'm a bit squeamish so the idea of being cut anywhere is unnerving.  Nevertheless, I did undergo facial surgery and I'm really sweating the details of this surgery rather than any big issues.

In case you didn't see it, there is a link to my webite and my FFS stuff in the "Just for us" section since I don't want the URL made public.  I have some comments about my FFS on the websire.

Dawn

[DawnL]

I have arrived at peace with my decision.  In the end, it was NJs suggestion that settled the issue.  Looking back at my life, reading my journals of these past two years of transition, everything has pointed in one direction, and that is to womanhood.  The final piece was to remember that in the year before my life became unglued, I had realized with sadness that I had no dreams left and could not imagine any.  What a difference these two years have made.  I have been very lucky, I have been given a gift, and I have finally realized that.

Dawn

[stephanie_craxford]

You must be feeling a great relief right now, but like you I imagine that there have been others who have experienced a case of the jitters as you did.  The surgery is irreversible so it's very understandable.  I'm so happy for you.

Steph

[Sheila]

Dawn, like you, I had no dreams either. Not until I figured out what was wrong and how to fix it. After that there was no stopping me. I'm happy for you and good luck with your surgery. If it makes you feel any better, I had no problems, just some discomfort. I have another friend who will be in Thailand in a couple of weeks.
Love Sheila