Why do you NEED to be a woman: My Therapist's Question

[?????]

I'm not sure what to tell my therapist, she always asks me tough questions, and I'm afraid to speak from my heart, because I feel like I have to argue and justify myself to her. It's like, no one believes that I'm a woman, unless I play their little game and read from their script.

Like, she asked me: why do you have to be officially labelled a woman? Why can't you just be a feminine man? Why can't you just wear dresses and be a guy? Would you believe different things if they changed one little letter on your driver's license? Would you be a better person? What difference does it make?

I'm not exactly offended by this question, but it strikes me as missing the point. Sure I want to wear a dress, and express my girly side, and be able to cry. But I'm not transitioning so I can do those things. It's more about being than doing, a case of identity, rather than activity. Does that make sense?

How should I answer her question?

[Gothic Dandy]

Your thoughts make sense to me. I wonder if your therapist is trying to throw challenging questions at you to get you to dig deep into yourself (in which case, I think the conclusion you came to is perfectly valid and what you should tell her). Or, maybe she's not believing it herself and wants you to convince her, or prove it to her. If that's the case, you might want to find a new therapist.

My old therapist asked me similar questions, and there's a reason why he's my "old" therapist. Also, when I played his game and described my ideal androgynous body and how I thought others might react to it, he replied, "It sounds like you just want to test people." As if I was just doing it for the social reactions and not for myself. I remember signing up for Susan's and ranting about it when it happened, actually. Or, maybe that was the forum I tried before Susan's...

[Mariah]

Be open, honest and truthful with her. It is always the best policy. You don't have to prove it to anyone. The key is you need to be able to do that and when you have the truth will allow you to move forward. Hugs
Mariah

[sparrow]

My therapist asks me questions like this, and I love them for it.  They try to draw me out, explain where I'm coming from, examine my feelings and my motivations.  Sometimes I know how to answer, sometimes I don't.  They'll accept "I don't know" as a valid answer, but then revise the question and ask something more detailed... or they'll just get quiet for a while and I'll eventually say what I do know, and that gives them something to work with.

I think it's good to answer these questions in the confines of a therapy session.  You have somebody who is (hopefully) open, nonjudgemental and nonaggressive.  That won't be the case most of the time that people are asking you these questions.  If these questions are hard to hear and hard to answer, then just say so.  I'd encourage you to talk to your therapist about how her questions make you feel.  If she's eroding your trust, she simply can't do her job as a therapist and you need to go elsewhere.  If she can rebuild that trust, you'll be all the better for it.

[kelly_aus]

I had a therapist that asked all sorts of hard questions, including that one. My answer? "I don't need to be a woman, I am one but it appears the fetal development fairy didn't get the memo."

Properly done therapy is hard, it should make you think and consider things.. If your therapist is not making you think, they are not doing their job.

[Jasper93]

I'm not sure what to tell my therapist, she always asks me tough questions, and I'm afraid to speak from my heart, because I feel like I have to argue and justify myself to her. It's like, no one believes that I'm a woman, unless I play their little game and read from their script.

Like, she asked me: why do you have to be officially labelled a woman? Why can't you just be a feminine man? Why can't you just wear dresses and be a guy? Would you believe different things if they changed one little letter on your driver's license? Would you be a better person? What difference does it make?

I'm not exactly offended by this question, but it strikes me as missing the point. Sure I want to wear a dress, and express my girly side, and be able to cry. But I'm not transitioning so I can do those things. It's more about being than doing, a case of identity, rather than activity. Does that make sense?

How should I answer her question?

Gate-keeping annoys me.  When I went through therapy, I knew what I wanted, and was pretty straight-forward.  I recognized that it was stressful for me to be male, so I mentioned several instances in which anxiety landed me in the ER.  I stated that it was brought on by dysphoria, and that -- all in all -- I need to be a woman because my body reacts negatively to being male.  I called to attention scenarios in which I'd rush to the bathroom and check my scalp compulsively so as to ensure I wasn't balding because the whole virilization thing just scared me.  I obtained my letter in three sessions.

Ally

[Lady Smith]

I don't like gatekeepers, but I don't have a problem with a good therapist who is willing to work with me instead of trying to shut me out.  To describe dysphoria I've used the image of being given the wrong script for a play at the last minute before the curtain goes up and stumbling around trying to fill a role I hadn't studied for.  Another way to describe the feeling is I'm dominant right handed and if I try really hard I can write with my left hand, but it always feels wrong.  That analogy came to me the other day because my new therapist is left handed and I started to wonder how it would be if the law was changed so everybody had to write with their left hand.

[noeleena]

Hi.

My reply would be so what makes you a woman then throw the ? back at her .

If she asked me the same ? i would answer as . well did you not first have to grow up and become a woman,  you wernt a woman at birth ...so...

Plus i would tell her i never ....WONTED.... to be a female or woman and in fact i never wonted to be a male ether , i was given what i ....NEEDED....as i,v talked about  before  ,

I have allways known what i was /  am ,  never a doubt or 2 nd quess i did not have to Justify myself to any one ,  I  told them ....

.......THIS is WHAT i AM.......

Some times you have to stand on your own two feet and say with all the convicion you have this is who i am .....if no one acceptes or belives you then use your feet and walk  she may be testing you i dont know or as said tough ??s    ,

Well  just answer the truth dont pussy foot around remember your life dont let others make you conform to what they think so use this time to get with it and grow up be strong and face the facts and go for it ,

My thinking is she wonts you to look beyound the outer dressing and take stock and wake up this is not a game its life with all its detail that you may have now , then think ahead 5 10 20 years are you still going to be sure this is 

  .....The ...REAL ...>>> YOU <<<...

...noeleena...

[suzifrommd]

"I don't NEED to be a woman. I AM a woman."

If it were me, I'd add, "Hope you have a nice life. I'm off to see a therapist who has a clue about trans people."

[Yenneffer]

😮 rude cow

[CarlyMcx]

Oh, I don't have any problems with being a man  --so long as you renew the scrips for my beta blockers and tranquilizers, and can we cut this meeting short so I can stop by the market and pick up a couple of six packs of beer to get me through the week?

Seriously, because being a man is slowly killing me.   I want to live as a woman, rather than slowly dying as a man.

[AnonyMs]

Your thoughts make sense to me. I wonder if your therapist is trying to throw challenging questions at you to get you to dig deep into yourself (in which case, I think the conclusion you came to is perfectly valid and what you should tell her). Or, maybe she's not believing it herself and wants you to convince her, or prove it to her. If that's the case, you might want to find a new therapist.

I agree completely with this.

I'd also add, don't forget who's in charge here. In reality you're paying (probably), you're the customer, and they are working for you. If the relationship turns the other way around there's something seriously wrong.

I did therapy with a psychiatrist, probably about 15 sessions, and I mostly just talked. I'd start each session with whatever, and though he'd ask questions it was mainly going where I wanted it. If I thought he was going off track I'd tell him so and I didn't hesitate to say exactly what I thought. I usually filter what I say as I can be quite rude otherwise, but for these sessions I stopped doing that. Don't be afraid of upsetting the therapist if that's what you need. If you can't be honest its a waste of time. It all worked out really well for me though.

The only time I'd say to do otherwise is if you're in a gate keeping system, don't need therapy, and you're only doing it to get letters. In which case I'd lie and say whatever I needed to.

[HoneyStrums]

Why do you need to be?

Its not a matter of needing to be woman. But a matter of needing to outwardly exspress a pre exsisting person.

where posible move away from gender completely. These interviews should be focussed on you as you. Even where gender is the topic make it about you and how you as an individual identify and why.

[Lady Smith]

"I don't NEED to be a woman. I AM a woman."

This +1

[Gothic Dandy]

Another way to describe the feeling is I'm dominant right handed and if I try really hard I can write with my left hand, but it always feels wrong.  That analogy came to me the other day because my new therapist is left handed and I started to wonder how it would be if the law was changed so everybody had to write with their left hand.

That is an excellent analogy. I may have to use that one.

[JoanneB]

I always saw the role of a therapist as someone who should challenge me. To ask me questions I don't really want to ask myself, or perhaps don't even know I should be asking or thinking about. So, I can only benefit from being totally honest. Even if the answer is I haven't really thought much about it.

The tricky part here is knowing if the therapist is biased against TG people. If they are biased in favor that can also lead to problems. The cheering squad you can expect from a TG support group. "Living your dream" is great for giving people warm fuzzies. The reality is being trans, especially a transwoman is far more dangerous then being an Alaskan crabber.

"Why do I need to be a woman?" As Suzi said, I don't. I know in my soul I am a woman, always had. However, I do want to express myself as and present as a woman because that is who and what I am. To a large degree I even need to. I spent a very long time denying those needs and am still paying the price. In an ideal world I absolutely need to live, present and express myself as a woman. But the world I live in is far from ideal and the potential cost of doing that outweighs the need to, Today. I want to, but I do not need to. Though there are days I feel just the opposite