Hi there,
First of all I just wanted to say thank you to the people who made this site and who keep it up and running. And thank you to you for taking the time to read this. Seriously, I can't thank you enough.
I was raised Catholic in a relatively rural/suburban town. I always knew I was different, but I didn't have the ability to articulate why I was different until about a year ago.
I realized I was trans when I came across videos on Youtube of ftm folks and noticed how much I identified with them. At the time, it was really scary. Actually, to be honest, it still is to me. I tried to convince myself that I was overreacting or just flat out wrong about how I saw myself, my mind and body alike.
I expressed to my girlfriend how I was feeling about myself but she kind of dismissed it. She is a scientist and has strong opinions against hormone therapy. She said, "You're not a boy."
For a long time after that, I just brushed my thoughts concerning being trans to the side while I finished college, got a job, and did all of the normal things little young adults are supposed to do.
I had a conversation recently with my girlfriend about confidence. She said that my lack of confidence affects our relationship in a very real way and that it was something she wanted me to work on going forward. And the thing is... I totally agree! I have been living as someone I'm not for my whole life, and my level of confidence can get to super super super low lows. I guess part of this is due to the dysphoria I feel about my body, especially during sex, exercise, and when I am forced to wear girly-ish clothes (at weddings, funerals, on stage--I'm a musician, etc). Lately, my dysphoria has grown into a stronger type of dysphoria than I have ever felt.
So let's move on to some positive changes I am making...
1.) I realize that I need to make some serious changes if I am ever going to feel okay with myself. haha step 1, i guess
2.) This week, I made an appointment with my hairdresser to cut my hair. I have long, thick hair and I'm going to be cutting it shorter than I have ever had it cut. It will be pixie-ish but I showed the hairdresser examples and I'm confident in her work.
3.) Today I bought my first packer. (!!!)
4.) I'm saving up for a binder. I'll probably be able to go ahead and pick one out by the end of the month. *any tips on binders are welcome* (i'm relatively skinny but my breasts are big for my size)
All of these changes in my thoughts, behavior, and looks will hopefully give me a little bit more confidence in myself. If nothing else, it will teach me something about myself and what I need.
The biggest problem I'm facing right now is how to discuss all of this with my girlfriend. Since I already told her about it before, and she seemed dismissive, I'm nervous about bringing it up to her again. She is dealing with stress of her own (she's applying to medical school) and I really don't want to bring more problems into her life. I also don't think she would support hormone therapy or any of the other big changes that come along with transitioning.
I'd love to hear your story. How did you come out to your significant other? Do you have any wisdom to share for a scared young man?
Escher \m/