Hello all,
I would like to introduce myself to you. It looks that i am new here, but actually I am here for several months watching topics, reading stories, getting information, etc. At first i would like to thank you all for your inspiring stories , that you are respecting each other and helping in every possible way and I would like to be part of this community
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Let's call me Michelle. I am 21 years old coming from small country in the middle of Europe called Slovakia. Studying engineering school with already a Bc. title. I am classified as MTF Transsexual. So, i will write my story.
Story:I was born in winter in 1994. Nothing strange except my hair which was almost one meter long. Unusual things started to happen, when I was 2 years old. I was taking mum lipstick and trying to use it on my own lips. (I do not remember this, it was told me from my parents.) At age of 4 when I started visiting kindergarten I found that kids are divided into 2 groups - girls and boys. I saw that boys are not playing with girls. I didn't want to play with boys but was too ashamed to play with girls also, so I was playing alone most of the time. Then I started visiting elementary school. I had more girl friends than boys. I believed that everybody will have a chance to change, that "holes in the ears" (I was calling it like this that time) are for girls always and, if I will make ones in the future i will become on of the girls. I had no idea how male and female reproduction organs are looking like at that time, but in the shower, I was hiding mine, putting them into the body, because it somehow looked nicer to me. Somehow i already knew who i am, I told one of my girl friends, that when I will grow up, I will become a girl, and she started to laugh. I became sad that moment. (What would you expect from kids at that age.) . At home I was using mum's wardrobe and putting on dresses and high heels. Once she found me and started yelling on me, I was so scared at that moment, that I did not move for few seconds. I remember few words from that like she would take me to psychiatrist, these things are not designed for boys. I said it was just fun, but actually it wasn't. I thought when I will visit psychiatrist, that i had to be very ill or crazy or something like that and I won't be allowed to get ever back from psychiatrist. From that moment I never told how i felt to anyone and became an introvert.
Before I jump to High school, I will describe my country and my family a little. My country is very controversial. It is actually a former part of the Soviet Union. There is only one religion at all - Christians (85-90%), my family is not an exception. From very young age I was learning to faith. Every Sunday was visiting Church, praying every day, etc. . I think that the religion was just worsening it. It is saying there is a man and a woman, you cannot change what was done by a nature. And these thoughts made me feel even more depressed about me.... My parents were also very strict, I had and have a big respect to them, when I did something wrong I was always punished for that....
Let's move now on high school or 8-year Gymnasium here. I started visiting Gymnasium at the age of 10. First few years I couldn't find any friends at all. I became a target at a class for bullying. When somebody took something from me or started to fight, usually I was crying, than fighting back. Nobody was ever doing something similar to girls, just to me. I had depressions, anxiety, was also seeing all other girls that they are developing other way than I did, and it was killing me. I received a computer at home and found out that virtual reality is stopping me from the thoughts, so i started to play games. It was a place where everything was like you wanted. Few years at gymnasium passed away. I was one of the best, if not the best student in class, even when I was not learning at all. Somewhere at that time I saw one show, where was a woman, who claimed she was born a boy and changed her gender in life. This was a crucial moment, when I found out I am not alone, but had absolutely not idea how it is called etc. I started to make friends at class and receiving information about my thoughts. In the last year of the school, again I was going on better with girls than a boys, also started dancing and really loved it, I was learning always a girls moves too. (was sometimes imaging myself that I am the girl dancing not a boy, I am that passive one who is danced). ... And about my problem, everything I knew was that it is a disorder and disease, most stories were based on lost of families, friends, etc. I thought i will end up on the street, if I would say it to someone or be treated somehow bad.
Last year we also had psycho tests to determine which way we should go on universities. I remember 2 things and they are that, Psychologist was a bad person, maniac, doing his job somehow not to help the others, but was feeling like he had a fun from telling people they are having disorders. First thing he said to me were vulgar words and was really happy when I stopped talking to him. Also another thing were IQ tests. The scale he used was not enough for me and I ended up with maximum which was 160. So what i am trying to say by that is, that except the thoughts I had on myself, my body, etc. were also a lot of times thoughts about universe, dark matter, particles, physics, ... . I really hated and still hate my intelligence because it is making you think about things, which other people would never think of. You are more sad about the world, yourself, more depressed....
OK, will leave that, and going to jump at university. I started visiting Technical University and started to study Computer modelling. I was fool when i chose that study program. I thought i will be modelling something in 3D, but it is and always was just pure math. We started 20 and by 3 years, only 3 remained, so you can guess, how easy it is 
. Math was easy for me, so it wasn't a problem, but I did not like it, anyway I continued... I moved living into another city where school was, i was more independent now. The thoughts about me returned very soon and what helped me at start was lucid dreaming. I learnt how to control my dreams, I could became who I was and it was feeling good, at least while I woke up. When it was not enough I started to drink, and I was drinking few times per week, going on parties ... ( Never ever fortunately tried smoking or any other kind of a drug) . I stopped drinking in about a year, because i realized how I am killing myself. At a class we had one girl and after few months i was spending at her room with her roommates more time then I did on mine. I just felt so much better and so much more me being there. Unfortunately she did not make it by 2nd year and was kicked from school.
Again paragraph a little out of the story . I will be talking about love and my fantasies more in this one. Since my childhood when i got a dream where I am a girl, I loved that dreams a lot and I can still remember them. Then in my 13-14 when i started ejaculating my fantasies were only that I am a woman, sometimes just doing absolutely common jobs, later I started to imagine that i have an intercourse, but just only as a woman. I really hated and still hate that thing down there, when it is erected it is one of the worst feelings I can have :/ . Never made myself while it was standing, always only rubbing it, mostly on the bed. ... And now about the love experiences. I never felt in a love, I just could not imagine myself, because i was a woman and being with another one was not for me, I would always be thinking that i am her, also not even felt in love with a man, because, I would not be treated as a woman who I was. I had many chances to get into relationship with women, but always took a step back, i knew it would not work. Actually I was sometimes convincing myself that I am who I was born and did few tries to get into relationship with women but at the end, as I said i took a step back, and began more depressed...
This is going to be last one of the story, then i will be writing about a progress.... In 2nd year of university I started to think more and more about me, was even more depressed, so I found a job and I started as post production technician at school radio. It is a job involving making jingles, voice stories, graphics for relations, etc. After I came from school, always went after to radio and spent there sometimes 10-13 hours a day just to do something and not to think. Because I was very active, in a half year I took the leader position of post production and then won a 1st prize in CzechoSlovakia Radios Competition and my record which was called Memories of Past is going on International and Judges were thinking it can take also 1st place there . Yaay i had one success but I was not happy still 
. Anyway it was my best decision at university to go there, because the people working at radio are best team i have ever met in my life and i like them all, they are very helpful. As a time was going on and I started 3rd year, nothing was helping me, I was always thinking of myself, I found enough information about my problem and my plan was to go Study Master to Denmark and solve my problem there, but I found a problem in laws and it would took a years to get the treatment, so I began even more depressed. Several guys from radio noticed I am not OK, even when I tried to hide it as much as possible. Then it was so terrible I did not sleep for 3 days and started hallucinating and after that I finally admitted who I am and that there is no other way if I want to live more on this planet. It was January 2015.That moment i consider as one of the most important moments in my life and also a beginning of my journey. Now I will describe my transition journey so far, if you did not have enough of reading
. This one I will go more detailed about steps, problems etc.
Story, 2nd part So when I finally admitted it, I started to talking about who I really am to the people and getting the reactions. I was very afraid of negative ones and that it will make feel even worse. First i started telling it to people from the internet who I never met before, but we were in contact, and it surprised me that in like 10 of them i found a positive reaction and it somehow boosted me up a little, especially my first try to get it out of myself was like getting half body lighter. Then I started with 2 my female friends from my hometown which I was in contact very long, we were going on walks, shopping etc. , it was harder challenge, took me almost an hour to finally get to a point, but after it was out of me for my best female friend and she was positive about it, and yes very surprised also. After that I started to talking with people of radio one by one, and it was always easier and easier, and like after 30 people who I really liked and cared of them it was easier and easier. Several guys found out my weird behavior, what was behind it and especially with girls I became much better friend and we started spending more time and it was amazing, when they accepted me as a girl and also treated me like that , finally I could behave like me.
Easter was coming soon and I was home and had a vacations. I was ready to tell that to my parents, but before I met one of my friends who before told me he is a gay. He is a musician and we went out, got a little drunk, I told him my story and somehow it ended by kissing. It surprised me, but it felt really good, it was maybe for one minute long but I think it was much longer. I liked men much more always but I never accepted that before. Next day, he was sorry for what he did, he actually did not realize who I really am, everything went ok and we are still friends, not like before anymore but we are . Day after I told it to Mum, as much detailed I could. She did not get it what I really meant, she told it to Daddy next day, and he was more accepting, which really surprised me, because I had much bigger fear from him what will happen. Every day after it was better and better and about one months, parents accepted who I really am and that they will have a daughter instead of son.... Also I have a 2 years younger brother, he only smiled for a moment and that was his acceptance .
I contacted a support center for LGBT in my country, actually there is only one and was created only few years ago, I received a lot of useful information for me in my country, how to took first steps etc. ,so it was time to find a therapists, and in my country were only 3 dealing with this kind of a problem. I knew one, because she was the worst and I could find the information about her almost everywhere. You are not taking steps yourself, every step you will make must be done by her vision and if it is somehow wrong then, bad luck and it will be prolonged a lot. It would take 2 years only to just begins hormones and several guys committed suicide visiting her as far as i know, because she has her own steps. So for sure I did not want to come to her. I contacted then another one, but the phone call was not very long, because she told me I am from the other side of the republic and would not take me. I was feeling extremely bad that moment and did not say a word for few seconds. So I had last chance and contacted the last one, we agreed on a date and I was happy for a moment. When the day came I sit on a train and traveled for 8 hours to get to him, but he did not came, he did not answer a phone, nothing. I paid for the road to him and that happened .... I was extremely pissed of that day and by the evening traveled back to the other side of the republic. Next day he wrote me, he could not came, not even a word Sorry... So i made an image of him...
I thought I am done in my country and that the transition will be prolonged to years just to start. I was thinking of going to Czech republic start studying here, stay there and receive Czech insurance, but it would take at least a year if not more. I was so unhappy, had a lot of anxiety, but my Mum started to calling everybody in my country and found the 4th person which did not have yet an ordination, but he will be dealing with this problem too. He was young with a very little experience, but he was my last hope. He was studying abroad, and wanted to deal other way that is in my country which I will describe soon. My meeting with him was scheduled in a month on June and I was waiting.
Now I will describe the steps which you have to take in my country if you want to transition. First as usual you have to visit a therapist and after few sessions (2-3) you can get diagnose. Then you have to do psychological tests, endocrinology tests, genetic tests, and sometimes even more tests. Problem is to get these tests in my country for this purpose because 90% of doctors will reject you especially endocrinologists. So to take every test it will take you around 2-5 months. After that RLE is needed, no matter how you look like and this c an take up to a half year, still without hormones, and only after that you can get started on hormones, if you pass by everything...So how you can pass in our country? If you are MTF and you like females, you are considered more like a crazy person or gay and you almost cannot transition, if you are married, first you have to divorce and it still is not sure if you will be able to transition, if they will allow. Next if you do not have a clean registry, then bad luck you cannot transition. If you have any other psychological problem, first you have to deal with it first, until your psychiatrist will be sure it is not a problem anymore. If you pass by everything and also that terrible RLE, which in my country is very stressful, because majority of people are not acceptable, then and only after then you can start taking hormones. One good thing is that most of the things are paid by insurance, like meetings hormones, and partially operation, but there is also a big problem which I will describe later...
So the day came and I visited the new psychiatrist. I came in my usual male model. We discussed my whole life, my feelings, what I am expecting, etc. some tests of drawing a person. And after FIRST session i had a diagnose F64.0 M->F . I was very happy, that after 3 failed attempts I found somehow who will really help me. Waiting for the second session I got my ears pierced, such a small thing which made me happy . Also it was end of the year and I was finishing my bachelor thesis, did exams, and at the end I received my Bc. title , but somehow I was not extra happy for that, like I mean that even pierced ears made me more happy. And the second meeting came. I started RLE, that day, I used my Mum clothes and also Clip-in Hair which I bought. This meeting was concentrated on psychological tests which took almost 3 hours and also about my progress in a month. Everything went fine.
The next month I started to experiment with makeup, got my eyebrows shaped by myself, started shopping with friends and I really started to love shopping, it was first time I loved the clothes I can try, not anymore boyish clothes which I really hate, but FEMALE one which were nice... I spent shopping few hours a day. And I think I passed as a woman on 80% now. But more days, less time I cared who thinks what. Started training my female voice. Because I work in radio and i am the leader of post-production, I was recording myself on very good and expensive technique and listening, measuring and improving. Still I think it will take a lot of time to get my voice to a female one. I will post few photos and voice samples soon and would like to get objective review . Also because i hate my beard and even if I would shave I started Laser Hair Removal with a best machine on the world right now and after just first treatment, which hurt like hell, that I even cried a little, most of my Facial hair did not regrowth back and by most I mean like 90-92% ? I am very light skin color and have black hair so it worked really well.
The 3rd session with therapist began, I got results from psychologists, which were saying i am sensitive, uncertain, very highly intelligent, and a lot of more which actually I do not remember . My sexuologist was satisfied with my RLE and now I have to visit endocrinologist next month to get blood tests and tests. Also had yesterday the 2nd laser hair removal which hurt even more then before, maybe because while I will start hormones I decided for phytoestrogens from food like flax seeds or soy and yes it has a little effect already. But the biggest problem came and it is justice in my country. If you do SRS (GRS) you will be able to change gender, name, identification number received at birth and also new BIRTH CERTIFICATE, which is really nice because the old person will disappear from the planet, with no evidence you did SRS. But also your whole education will not be accepted not even an high school diploma. If I do not want to be without any education, my only way to do it is to interrupt study, find a job, get money for GRS and then after GRS receive a diploma, cannot change the order if I want at least something, because studying 18 years and for nothing is ..... . Also I can interrupt study here for only a year, so now I have 3 years for everything. I hope that ASAP i will get hormones, probably in next 2 months and finally getting rid of the testosterone, continuing in journey.And here I am now, thinking what is going to be next, when is best time to interrupt study, where I will be able to find a job with at least a decent salary where avg. in my country is around 400-600 €. I know my parents will help me, but I do not want to put them down because of me :/ . I believe right now I will be able to do it somehow and everything will be ok
. At last I will make description of myself.
I am 21 years old, 178 centimeters height, 61 kilograms weight. Never had a masculine figure, but also not even female one, I have a little hourglass shape right now, but also having a wider shoulders done by genes. I am very hairy almost everywhere, I hope that on HRT this will change mostly to a baby hair. My hair is blonde very straight, now middle length, around 30 cm. I have EU size 41-42, which I will be very happy from the experiences of other to get one size smaller, because here are girl sizes almost only EU 35-41 and I can fit in only like 2/5 of shoes. What concerns me a lot is very big adam's apple, big even for a man. My plan for future is to get rid of that along with GRS. Overall i think i can get very nice results because from mum side girls are very very nice, from the Dad side girls have very nice feminine shape. I am very excited for that, also taking in mind that it may not go well, and I will be looking like a freak for the rest of the life. And last thing which I am afraid is that I have keloid scaring and have big fear from future GRS how it can looks :/ .
And last paragraph how I imagine myself in the future. I would like to have a kids, even that I know I will probably never be biological mother, but when I see kids playing or mothers with their kids, it making me strange feelings that I would like to have my own
. After all I want to live just ordinary life as a woman and I will be happy, I do not need a lot of money. Only to be healthy happy, and have a partner and kids if possible
.
And this is me. I am sorry for longer reading. But this is somehow my style of writing
. In my opinion is still very short
, but I tried to write important information about me to you, that you can make an image of who I am. I hope I will fit into the community, will find more answers, and also will help the others
Michelle
