Feel ill and suicidal

[ChristineHaylett]

I don't know what to do , I came out about half a year ago to my doctor and seen a gender specialist who just referred me to a different specialist, I feel like I'm just being passed around from gender clinic to gender clinic.

No doctor has prescribe me hormones which I've asked for and I had to self medicate due to this, all they ask is what can they do for me and they say I don't know what I want, but I keep telling them I need hormones and operations.

Due to this I started self prescribing , now I'm having blood-cots in my legs, and pain in my heart and left arm on a regular bases. I'm at the point in which I wish to be dead as no one will help me achieve my dreams , I'm having thoughts of suicide and my fiancée has discussed doing a double suicide with me which I'm considering.

I'm feeling weak all the time and ugly , I hate my self, I just want to remove my  testicle to stop the damage their doing, my fiancée has also mentioned she would do the operation just to help me out this distress.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! You should go to the emergency room to get yourself checked out. Clots are really dangerous. You're on a rough path, but we're all here for you. Please call a suicide hotline if you're feeling overwhelmed.

Hugs, Devlyn

[katrinaw]

Big, big hugs Christine

Please go to a hospital or surgery straight away and as Devlyn said get checked out... thrombosis is awful!

And please also follow the suicide links Devlyn provided.

As far as being passed around, have they given you a reason? seems strange unless non of them are Gender specialist's

Once you get your body sorted out, and please, please, please stop self medd'ing, go back and query what the issues are

hugs and best wishes

Katy

[ChristineHaylett]

Big, big hugs Christine

Please go to a hospital or surgery straight away and as Devlyn said get checked out... thrombosis is awful!

And please also follow the suicide links Devlyn provided.

As far as being passed around, have they given you a reason? seems strange unless non of them are Gender specialist's

Once you get your body sorted out, and please, please, please stop self medd'ing, go back and query what the issues are

hugs and best wishes

Katy

They haven't gave me any reason they just want to recommend me to a different clinic which is out of my reach, because the guy thinks my case is complicated but I don't agree that should be a reason for me not to receive treatment and have to wait a another year to see them when I already go full time has a women for 6 months now.

I even collapsed the other day and my partner caught me just in time, I cant go to hospital because of my bail conditions. 
Oh not to mention my phone is blocked by the crysis team.
My support care worker has erased me of the system which my other support worker is trying to resolve.
My GP is leaving the surgery forcing me to see a male doctor who which I feel uncomfortable with.

[Richenda]

Oh Christine honey please stay. I've seen suicide up close in a loved one and it was devastating. In fact, I'll never recover. That's not an entire reason for saying 'please don't' but it's just one. Others are from what you've already seen here there are people who have been down this road, there are others who care about you and there are definitely people who can get you on the right track to live your life how you want to.

As has been said, please get the thrombosis checked out. Then please insist you get your bloods checked and meds prescribed. I've been down the self-med route and had a very nasty turn.

By the way, I'm not a doctor (or at least not this type of one) and I'm not saying this is the panacea, but have you been taking a low dose regular aspirin? It does help against clotting.

Hugs honey xx

[ChristineHaylett]

Oh Christine honey please stay. I've seen suicide up close in a loved one and it was devastating. In fact, I'll never recover. That's not an entire reason for saying 'please don't' but it's just one. Others are from what you've already seen here there are people who have been down this road, there are others who care about you and there are definitely people who can get you on the right track to live your life how you want to.

As has been said, please get the thrombosis checked out. Then please insist you get your bloods checked and meds prescribed. I've been down the self-med route and had a very nasty turn.

By the way, I'm not a doctor (or at least not this type of one) and I'm not saying this is the panacea, but have you been taking a low dose regular aspirin? It does help against clotting.

Hugs honey xx

Thing is no doctor wants to help me and i cant stop taking the pills because I'm desperate for change.
The doctor wont blood test me because I'm going against their advice.
The gender clinic is being stupid, all I need is hormones how hard is that I've done as they said.
I don't see the hope for me any more and seems this is my time to pass on, my fincée is also under distress seeing me fall apart in depression and she feels suicidal as well so its quite likely we will dye together, she has asked me at one point to double suicide and i fear of she does again will say yes being there is no hope for me any more.
the doctors want to play chicken with my life they can see how far ill go to archive my dreams, i don't fear death.

[Harley Quinn]

Yes Christine, please go to the emergency room. There's always hope. Think of your fiance. As long as you have your health, you have the opportunity to get the correct doctors. I hope you make it to the ER soon. 😯

[cheryl reeves]

suicide is not the answer your looking for,i hate to sound mean but suicide is the cowards way out..been there survived and embraced life..self medicating is also not the answer,take a asprin and go to the e.r. and get checked out and be truthful with the e.r. staff.

[stephaniec]

emergency room

[ChristineHaylett]

My fiance and mother came down to mine and took me out to get tested, they tested my blood and heart rate.
They said for a blod clot I have to score 94 or lower on the finger thing , it came back 97 but was quite close in my opinion but they say I haven't got it. They told me I need my blood test and ecg so that is booked for Friday.
I phoned the gender clinic and they said they wont prescribe me until my next appointment which they told me is july next year which takes the piss and my doctors wont prescribe me ether.
This means I have to self prescribe because i have no choice and I'm in great distress and feel highly suicidal because the system is failing me, if my self prescribing don't kill me surly my suicidal thoughts will in time.

All my friends say im more of a girl then they are, and i feel helpess i truly wish i was dead.
doctors keep telling me that self prescribing is a choice i have to make, they dont care if i drop down dead

[Richenda]

Hi Christine, there are some positives there:

- you've had a blood clot test
- your fiancé and mum came down
- you're booked for another blood test & your ECG on Friday
and (drum roll)
- you look in your avatar like a stunning female to me, not that looks are the most important thing but fact is, you do.

Negatives?

- Dysphoria
- Lack of money for op
- Long wait time to get prescribed and doctors taking the mickey

Can you do anything at all to alter those negatives? Would you be able to switch doctor?

I've been down the self-med route and although everyone will tell you not to do it the fact is that lots do. I'd say, practically, that if you do this make sure you source them as well as you can. That might mean paying a little more. There's some very dodgy online medicine around. Also, again though I'm not a medic, a low dose daily aspirin will help against clotting. They can tell you about this without prescribing medicines. I would also caution against high dosing if you do self-med. There are studies suggesting it's not necessary anyway http://press.endocrine.org/doi/abs/10.1210/endo-meetings.2013.RE.12.MON-595

The last part is me just being practical for you.

How old are you, may I ask? I don't have many regrets (that's not really true, but I tell myself it) but one of my biggest is wishing I was thirty years younger again with the chance to transition over time. If you're as youthful as you seem you can still do it and be happy. Hugs xx

[Richenda]

p.s. just seen you are 26. I wish I was your age

I've also seen your location. For some reason I thought you were in the U.S. Half my family live very close by you and I'm there a lot. If you'd like to meet up for a cup / drink / chat sometime just say okay? Hold on in there honey. xx

[ChristineHaylett]

p.s. just seen you are 26. I wish I was your age

I've also seen your location. For some reason I thought you were in the U.S. Half my family live very close by you and I'm there a lot. If you'd like to meet up for a cup / drink / chat sometime just say okay? Hold on in there honey. xx

Thank you, this is one of the kindness thing someone has said to me , I would love to meet up for a cup as my support team havent even put me in contact with a support group and I have no one round me close that relate.

[Richenda]

Great, I'd love that. I'm not back there until around 25th/26th of this month so hold on and we will! I'll be around for a few weeks then hoping to go to Thailand. I want an orchiectomy but that's another topic. It will be lovely to meet and chat. Hugs xx

[ChristineHaylett]

Great, I'd love that. I'm not back there until around 25th/26th of this month so hold on and we will! I'll be around for a few weeks then hoping to go to Thailand. I want an orchiectomy but that's another topic. It will be lovely to meet and chat. Hugs xx

Thank you I certainly look forward to it, ill pm you later .
Just got a baby kitten introduced to my house, its going to a stressful week adapting and worrying if shes ok.

[Richenda]

Awww. Enjoy her. Great: we can PM each other and set it up for end of the month. Take care honey xx

[Zoetrope]

Perhaps your doctors are right and you are not ready for it - if hormones have brought such dread and nasty symptoms. Also, you can't possibly contemplate surgery until you are totally comfortable with yourself.

Its absolutely important to see the therapy through. If that's what you need to do - do it. Your transition will be put on a monitored and tailored course. But you will get looked after, too. All of that gave me stability - which has really worked out long-term.

[Richenda]

That's totally true but my GP is very close to Christine's and mine are also useless. We're talking rural Norfolk here ... it's just about the least helpful place to be trans in the country. It's the main reason I've upped sticks.

[katrinaw]

Please let us know how the ECG goes Christine, I am glad the first tests seem OK

Sorry about some of the life complication (big hugs)

I do agree with you that living as a  woman for >6 months certainly shows commitment, is the hold up maybe to do with rules perhaps? Not sure of the details of such rules there. Maybe its a case of just sucking up a bit? You are very passable, the 6 months will fly past I am sure, and with monitored care you will feel a million dollars...

Please stay safe and best wishes for your ECG tests

katy xx

[ChristineHaylett]

Perhaps your doctors are right and you are not ready for it - if hormones have brought such dread and nasty symptoms. Also, you can't possibly contemplate surgery until you are totally comfortable with yourself.

Its absolutely important to see the therapy through. If that's what you need to do - do it. Your transition will be put on a monitored and tailored course. But you will get looked after, too. All of that gave me stability - which has really worked out long-term.

They know I'm ready and agree and they are recommending that I carrie on self medicating until I see them as it makes me feel better. They said they see no reason why that should stop me getting help when my next appointment comes.