I can't help at times but feel like I'm cursed

[Katelyn]

I can't have a romantic partner.  I can't really make friends outside of the trans community.  I feel unwanted.  I can't really make a career outside of the arts because that requires me conforming to an acceptable level (and even then, making a career pretty much locks me into an identity.)  I feel like an outsider, even an alien at times.  At the same time, I can't go back.  I can't pretend that I'm a male, because I can't.  I can act like it but only the minimum enough to "pass".  At the very least I have to wear androgynously.  Yet my gender dysphoria isn't continuous and sometimes I desperately want to transition, other times its not that bad.  Yet I can't help but feel very confused.  At times I don't feel like I'm female enough to transition, especially since transition means that I'm basically betting everything of my life on it.  I'm in the ->-bleeped-<-ing middle and its ripping my life apart!  How can I not feel like I am cursed?

I can't even have sex as a male, even if I'm attracted to women I can't imagine having intercourse with a woman.  My only fantasies have either been to have sex with a male as a woman, and having lesbian sex. 

So I'm sex deprived, relationship deprived, friendship deprived, I feel like an outsider, an alien, how can I continue going on like this?  Why couldn't I be either more female or more male enough to stay in such respective genders?  Why do I have to be cursed like this?

I wanted to be a significant person in society, dammit!  I was raised religiously so I can't help but feel at times also that maybe the devil has put this curse of gender confusion on me to prevent me from becoming a significant, noteworthy person in society.  I was so ambitious when I was much younger, before my gender issues became more significant!

[Katelyn]

I guess everyone here thinks I'm a lost cause...

[Deborah]

I don't.  Much of what you wrote could just as easily apply to me.  No, really all of it could apply to me.  I wish there was an answer but all you can do is take it one day at a time and not worry about what might be or what could have been.

I don't think it is a curse though.  It simply is what it is.  Only other people make it a curse when they make life for others a living hell.  The guilt is on them.  You are innocent.

I wish I could say something to help or even just be there to listen but be assured you aren't the only one and you are in my thoughts.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kylie1]

I'm right with you.  You're not a lost cause at all.  I desperately want to be a woman and have my entire life.  Now in my 40s I still do.  I'm trapped in a massive body that I feel will never be able to be feminized.  In the mean time I dress and work as a man in a mans job.  If I transition I would lose my job.  I do however wear masculine/femme things to feel connected and continue to paint my toe nails, shave my legs etc.  It's all that I can do for now. 
The only advise is to let go of the social pressures and try to be yourself when you can. 

You're not a lost cause. You're a beautiful person.   Hang in there.

[iMarcella]

I fall to this category too. I was too young when I realized that something might not be right, I hurt myself when I was 11 because I want the thoughts to fade away. When I got older I managed to put up a barrier that kept myself from fully accepting the fact that I am transgender. However, that same barrier almost cost me my life. I contemplated death. If I can't be what I am supposed to be, then what is life?

But I wasn't someone who gives up. I researched, I began to accept myself, and I am slowly breaking down the barrier I put up. I'm still in a man's body, but my mind and my heart are now in the right place.