So, this is more of me bitching than anything. Maybe, an introduction to me coming back. I'm not really sure. I guess I need to just let some things be heard by someone. I was here, on the forums, almost a year ago. I was taking small steps to begin transition, and I was really excited and motivated. I came out to a few people, mainly my mom. While she was supportive, it became the huge elephant in the room anything vaguely surrounding the topic of gender idenity came up. Which over the past year has been the new thing to talk about.
I left this site due to a relationship with a mtf trans girl. I was kinda terrified about her finding me, and some of my post left hints as to who I was. That didn't last very long, but it completely derailed me from my goal. Then what I was most afraid of happened, I lost my nerve to do anything at all. I went the opposite direction. I did all of the manly stuff I had been doing in the past, but this time in overdrive. At times, I myself forgot that wasn't what i wanted to be, then there were times I thought if I can forget for a short time then I can forget for good. Most prevalent was the racing thoughts of fear.
I have spent the past month trying to work myself to sleep to avoid any persisting thought of transition. It didn't work and now since loosing my job last week my mind doesn't stop. There's a voice that says do it, screw everyone, and a voice that ensures me I need people. Where I'm from and who I am that's not a likely outcome in any inner circle I have previously belonged to. Now, being more of a loner I don't think I can do it alone. Completely, alone.
Then there is my biggest fear of all. MONEY!!! I have always felt marginalized even when some may percieve me as on top of things. I don't feel like I'm me. I imagine that makes sense to people here. I can't imagine feeling that way through transition with no light at the end of the tunnel. Then on top of all of that, if I did saw when the lottery and come up with do wtf I want money, can a big guy ever be a feminine women. It's not just height and build, but also markings of masculinity that can not be undone. Tattoos for example. They are uber masculine in shades that lasers have difficulty removing. Big bold tattoos. They standout and speak to masculinity, and places that would prevent me from wearing almost anything. They don't sell my size shoe in stores ( Mens 13) I've looked in. I measured my hands and compared on google to the size of Lebron James. Actually 1/4 in larger.
Ok, I guess I have painted a picture. I'll stop bitching. These fears are haunting me, but so is the prospect of not being able to look in the mirror and be happy after putting myself in a position that takes away any security I have. As a man I am unhappy, but I can take solace in the fact I am physically stronger than most and can defend myself, women are attracted to me, and I don't have to be afraid when I leave the house. That versus being happy most strangers will kinda sorta pretend they believe I am a women to my face.
The way I am describing the situation may sound offensive. If so I apologize, I do not mean to offend anyone. I have brought this up to my therapist (my normal doctor, not a gender therapist) he seemed a little uncomfortable and kinda confused. He acted supportive and offered the same advise you'd get from a stunned friend. Then told me to google a specialist. It hasn't came up since.
I'm not really asking anything or posting for any reason other than to get it out of my head. Maybe to be heard. I know this is probably just ramblings, but if I proof read I will change things and this is exactly what I needed to do.
