Why can't I say it?! why can't I tell my parents?!

[MichelleA]

So here I am, first day/night on anti-depressants well not only did it 'NOT HELP' it made me about 10 times worse, I couldn't even think positive for a straight hour once they kicked in. Anyways, my parents already know I'm transgendered and all but there's something else I want to tell them yet for some reason I can't muster the strength to do so. I figure since Halloween is coming up soon I can PROBABLY get away with a lot for that one night. [After all, there are a lot of people in their upper teens, even twenties who still 'trick-or-treat'] However, before I get to that.. I guess while I was laying on the floor crying my eyes out, my mom was talking to my dad about the anti-depressants. My mom thought I didn't take them even though she asked me to.
              Well finally she listened to me, but I ended up crying again and she said something about "I don't think those anti-depressants are working, we might need to upgrade to the higher dosage." I've been trying to tell her that my depression isn't really.. well depression. It's caused by my mentality not being able to handle myself looking, and being in a male role [..being forced as an UNCLE to two sisters' children really hurt me here.] Not to mention my dad still calls me the name I hate the most, the four lettered "Mike". I've been wanting to ask my mom if she'll help me with getting ready for transition, but lately I've just been too.. is scared the right word? or distrusting? It really irritates me because I know she's accepting of it, by what I've been understanding with the SEVERAL talks I've had with her about it.
             It all is starting to over pile on my back, and starting to really hurt me severely.. I've been feeling my suicidal urges come back [Not going to fall into that again..] However, I also feel a lot of anger at the exact same time! Rage towards myself, and my family for not helping me when I was younger. Not to mention my mom having one bad experience with a doctor is making her try to keep me from going to a therapist, which I have to do. I can picture myself in the opposite role, a lot better off then I am now.. In fact, I'm shocked I haven't ripped off my own head yet! 
            Anyways, any advice as to how I can confront my mom about the helping me prepare for transition? .. I have no idea if it's trust or fear.. and I know I'm right now safe, because last year at school, I wasn't even 'femme' and I got mistaken for a girl by a lot of people, then others would walk up to me and ask me "Are you a dude or a girl?"

Anyways, thanks for any help.. and whew that was a lot to get off my chest.. *And back.*

Michelle

[tarasita]

I'm not all that good at giving advice but I can tell you how I dealt with it.

Our family have never been big on sitting down and talking about "issues". When I was at the point that I had decided that this is what I want I wrote my mother a letter. I found that sitting down and putting all my thoughts down in a letter was a better way to communicate my message. I could get all my points accross without being interrupted and I never had to back-paddle. I enclosed a photo of myself.

I have never seen a letter replied to so quickly! Anyway, it worked and my mother has been supportive ever since. My father is a different story.

I hope you can find a way to get your message accross. 

Oh, by the way, I used the same technique when I told my husband about my past.

[xeno]

I am not good at giving advice either but all I can say is....just tell them....I say this because when it comes down to it, it's you who makes the decision to say "no, I cant tell them."
I have encountered this alot and I also have yet to tell my Father that I'm a girl.

I told my mom, but she died about a month before Christmas last year, and when I told her I was nervous as heck, and I just "came out and said it."

these Hurdles are things we must leap across, and once we take the first step of these leaps, all we can do is take them head on I guess...

I apologize that what I have said is small, but it might help and it might not.

[MichelleA]

All I can say to both of you is thank you for the advice. Right now things are a bit too stressful right now, I'll probably ask her about helping me getting ready for transition once this all steadies down, I mean how bad could it get in our own house  They already know I'm trans, they know I seek the difficult pathway and am willing to take it, but they don't know that I want some help preparing for this long and harsh journey as some would put it.

As I'll say again, thank you xeno and tarasita

Michelle

[HelenW]

Hi Michelle!

The WIKI has a nice set of articles on coming out which can be accessed from here: http://susans.org/wiki/The_Closet

I hope this helps!

hugs & smiles
Emelye