Sooo, hello everybody,
for a start off. You may feel as if this post is entirely unnecessary and bizarre, grotesque even, because it is, deliberately.
I am giving you a peek into what I like to call my "mind". An unsorted and meaningless place that is about to collapse. I do not force you to read through all of this. In fact, I advice you not to.
And yes, I completely lost it. I am trying very hard to find help.
Also I am literally sitting here for 40 minutes now, thinking about whether I should post this or not... You will see if I do.
As I haven't posted in here at all lately, let me introduce myself again, short.
I am a huge wreck, called May, or rather, that is what I call myself.
I am 17 years old and pretty pessimistic, to put it short. Which is why nobody wants to be with me, I guess.
That is it for the introductory. Now, let me tell you what this whole post is all about.
I have been through a lot. I get the feeling that, if I don't tell anybody what's on my mind, it is going to collapse.
And so I decided to share my thoughts and feelings with you. To let out all my desperation and depression.
Hoping that everything will be okay again.
Please, be my diary for tonight...
Dear Diary,
it is 2am on a tuesday morning and I am up again. Oh well. When was the last time I really slept anyway?
I can not sleep. I am falling apart bit by bit and I struggle to build myself up every single time.
I struggle to keep up, it happens so fast, and so brutally.
From one moment to another, I completely and utterly break. I begin to move and to act without any good sense left to guide me. And so, yet again, I found myself locked inside my bathroom today. With a bag of bad bad pills.
What is it, that tells me to do this every day? What is it, that refuses to just get rid of them?
I feel as if I am not the host of my own mind anymore. Something is taking my place, and it just wants to get rid of me, so desperately. So forcefully.
The answer to all my answers and to what this "something" is, is rather simple. It is depression, my lovely little companion in life.
I don't have friends, and I am completely isolated from my family. My life is going downhill and despite the odds, depression never leaves me. It is all that I have. All that keeps me alive, in fact.
I wonder how much longer I can manage to build myself up again before I turn out to be unfixable.
I wonder what comes after death. Will I be reborn? Can I be reborn? Please, I want to, just let me escape this miserable excuse of a life...
I am losing it.
I am falling appart and I am breaking and there is nothing I can do.
Just When did things start to go so horribly wrong? When did things turn out to be inevitable?
Why can't I just keep on faking my smile for everybody? It worked perfectly.
Why do I start to cry for absolutely no reason at all in front of everybody? You are so embarrassing.
Everybody is laughing at you, "May". You didn't even manage to be born a girl.
Nobody likes you. You have nothing left to give to this world. Failure.
You are alone. Stop crying. Please do it. Sleep tight.
I am sorry.
