Possibly Non-Binary/Genderqueer or Trans?

[2legit]

I'm not quite sure where I stand gender-wise, and maybe others are in a similar position.

I started having gender confusion at around the age of 8, but throughout my life the dysphoria has come in waves, some gentle, some huge. I was quite repressed & identified more as a man than my female birth gender as I got older. After an intense whirlwind of emotions, I found the trans community & felt at home. The "title" of FTM felt right, finally. I was gung-ho about my new found inner revelation & wanted to start the transitioning process, although I was hesitant about hormones.

Fast forward almost 2 years to now, and my dysphoria has eased up considerably. That inner gender discomfort I felt has become minimal, still there but in sleeping mode. I have done extensive inner work as well so this may explain a lot. I've also come to realize that my female side isn't ready to go anywhere just yet, as I feel like taking T would change me too much. I feel the opposite with the tatas & plan top surgery soon, but not T.

I currently live as my female birth gender & don't pass at all for a male. I identify more on the male/masculine side but I feel as I'm a duality, both genders in one form. Maybe the dysphoria for me decreased because I finally understood more of who I am. Just not sure at this point.

When I think of someone who is transgender I tend to think they have typically deeper dysphoria issues and/or identify with one gender more specifically, or exclusively.

Anyone else in this situation or can relate?

[Dena]

I am one who was extremely uncomfortable with my birth gender and I think that the intensity that we feel the TG feeling varies from person to person. I have seen people on this site who are just discovering themselves at 50 or 60. I wouldn't have made it past 23 if I hadn't started working on a transition. The years before that were a constant struggle just to keep the genie in the bottle.

There are a number of terms like cross dresser, transvestite, and transsexual that have very specific meanings. These terms as well as many others fall under the transgender banner. To show you what I mean look at our Wiki . Consider that a cross dress may not require much time in the opposite gender to feel comfortable where as I couldn't survive without going full time.

We all share a common discomfort because our brain disagrees with our body but we feel it differently.

[2legit]

Thanks Dena for your insightful response & links. I think this is a slow process & sometimes we rush to the comfort of labels to define ourselves. I will let things unfold as they are, not what I want them to be. :-)

[Tessa James]

I can readily understand not having a fixed target or perfect label for how we feel and identify during transition.  I recall one my first coming out declarations being basically that I know how I look (male with a beard) but how i look is not who I am.  Many trans folks have a clear trajectory for their transition and they are fortunate to more easily, perhaps, formulate goals and milestones. 

Then there are those of us who keep a flexible approach to our journey and feel our way through this.  If you feel less dysphoria after accepting yourself then congratulations on owning that duality and feeling better.

I sometimes think we are a bit like some LGB folks who may have technically had male and female lovers but politically identity as lesbian or gay.  They can then bond with community and have an identity that is easier for others to get.   And yes of course, we all know that gender is distinct from orientation but the desire or direction you lean is the concept. 

Yes, any and all of the above descriptors can nicely describe a single person during a life of certain change.