Friends joking about transgender issues

[Claire_Sydney]

So, this happened today;

I was waiting at the pedestrian crossing on the way home from the gym.  I pulled out my phone to check Facebook and see what interesting things my friends have been up to over the weekend.

A friend from Melbourne had surgery on a broken arm today after some stuffing around at the hospital.  I regret that I didn't get a chance to wish her well beforehand.  A posting popped up on my timeline reflecting that she was now home from hospital and recovering.  Her posting attracted lots of well-wishing messages from others which made me smile.

Then I came across this thread of joking comments:

[STRANGER] How wonderful that you're home! How long till you reveal the new wang?
[FRIEND] I'll send you a PM...its black & massive!

My friend has a bit of a dirty mind, a wry sense of humour, and not always politically correct.  But I know her to be socially courageous, empathetic and sensitive.  I've seen her do incredibly caring deeds for marginalised social classes such as homeless people and ethnic minorities. We are not terribly close but I consider her to be a good person.  On the rare occasions where she has called me for help, I've tried to be there for her.

Her thinly veiled transgender slur kind of cut me though.  I know she didn't start the joke, but she was happy to perpetuate it.  She could have ignored it. She doesn't yet know of my gender transition, but that doesn't justify the comments either.

I felt betrayed, particularly because I had expected her to be the sort of person who will be supportive of me over the next few years.  I wanted to ring her and tell her that the joke is not funny.  I want to educate her about TG struggles.  I want to tell her about living with 30 years of internalised shame and guilt over being TG. I want her to know how close I have come to ending my own life over it, and that 41% of TG people do attempt suicide.  I want her to know how tough it is to tell your family and friends that you are transitioning gender.  I want her to know what it's like to have to explain to your employer about your transition. I want to tell her how terrified I am about the isolation, ridicule, and social rejection over the next 2 years of my transition.  I especially want to tell her that this could be her kids struggling to come to terms with being transgender one day (perhaps even now). I want to tell her that it is never ok to make flippant jokes about transgender individuals, disabled people, homeless people, ethnic minorities, or any other marginalised social classes.

But here is the catch.  I'm fairly early into my transition and only my immediate family, close friends, medical care providers and employer are aware.  I had hoped to control the flow of information so people would find out in a respectful manner that is neatly accompanied by proper facts and information, rather than rumour and innuendo.  But I can't do that without letting myself be the brunt of intolerant xenophobic jokes (and no doubt there will be plenty more such jokes).

I assume I'm not the first one to have to choose between (a) calling out vilification, and (b) controlling disclosure.

How do others deal with this?

[Ritana]

It doesn't sound like she had a bad transphobic intention in mind. But more importantly, how do you expect her to be mindful of your situation when in fact you haven't been open with her about your intention to transition let alone the fact that you haven't started transitioning?  Sometimes we get so stuck in our bubble that we tend to see things from our own perspective and our perspective alone. It's the monkey.mind. You start with one negative thought that keeps generating other more negative ones. We don't usually question them. We just try to validate and prove out own "truth".

Sorry, to be so blunt, hun. But that is my honest opinion.

Rita

[Serenation]

Maybe I'm getting old and tired, but I can't find myself being very offended by that. I have friends on facebook who are very accepting, and I know would 100% have my back that I've known for decades and they still occasionally throw up some dumb meme. Long as they aren't posting terf levels of offensiveness I just let it pass.

[Claire_Sydney]

Thanks Rita!  All opinions welcome. 

I'm sure she wasn't intending to be transphobic. It certainly wasn't hateful, and I'll bet she wouldn't have said it if she was aware of my circumstances.  It's also probably a bit dramatic to call it a 'slur'. 

I think your point is that it's a bit unreasonable to hold all of society accountable for being sensitive and politically correct every moment of the day when we are unaware of the circumstances of our audiences.

So, chalk it up to innocuous social banter?  Reserve any value judgements on people's behaviour until after you've told people?

[Claire_Sydney]

Maybe I'm getting old and tired, but I can't find myself being very offended by that. I have friends on facebook who are very accepting, and I know would 100% have my back that I've known for decades and they still occasionally throw up some dumb meme. Long as they aren't posting terf levels of offensiveness I just let it pass.

I wish I had your self-confidence!

Thanks for the perspective.

[Ritana]

Thanks Rita!  All opinions welcome. 

I'm sure she wasn't intending to be transphobic. It certainly wasn't hateful, and I'll bet she wouldn't have said it if she was aware of my circumstances.  It's also probably a bit dramatic to call it a 'slur'. 

I think your point is that it's a bit unreasonable to hold all of society accountable for being sensitive and politically correct every moment of the day when we are unaware of the circumstances of our audiences.

So, chalk it up to innocuous social banter?  Reserve any value judgements on people's behaviour until after you've told people?

Well, I am now postop. I am lucky to have had the srs at a young age. I used to be very sensitive and feel very strongly about trans issues. I think it's a phase issue. I now  consider myself to be just another woman in the binary system. That doesn't mean I don't get offended when I hear transphobic slurs! It's just that I tend to turn a blind eye on some light casual UNINTENDED transphobia. Life is too short hun.

hugs,

Rita

[Cindy]

As we know Aussies tend to make jokes about anything and not mean them with any great intent of being nasty.

I think my cis friends do walk around on eggshells at times.

I was at work recently and went to the tea room, which was quite full. I sat and someone asked how I was going.

I just said 'I'm knackered' (meaning tired). There was a moment of silence so I broke it by saying 'And I'm in the unique position of truthfully being able to say that.'

I think everyone breathed a sigh of relief and for the first time I think some finally relaxed in my company.

So give people some slack, true friends don't mean to hurt you, give them some room to really accept you because transitioning is hard on people who know us as well.

[Ritana]

I totally agree with Cindy's point. Try not to take things too seriouy unless the intention is a deliberately nasty one.

[Obfuskatie]

Here's the thing, people can't be sensitive to your being trans if you aren't out to them. It could be a teachable moment for you to tell them, "Hey that's not cool, I'm trans and it bothers me that you're are treating trans issues in such a cavalier manner." It isn't a requirement, but when someone says or writes something online that gets my blood boiling I usually make an effort to call them on it.
So, we can either grow thick skin and ignore the ignorance, make a legitimate fuss when it happens or give someone the benefit of the doubt when it's a minor jab in fun. It takes balls/ovaries of steel to be trans amidst today's cultural climate. Sometimes people just need to meet a real life trans person to be able to understand we are human beings and not the caricatures/butt-of-the-jokes bigots paint us as.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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