After having been several times on this page(s) and reading a lot I start feeling a little bit "at home" and thought it's time to register and introduce myself.
Nicnique is living in the southern part of Germany and was born in 1959. So the language I learned from my parents is not English – therefore I kindly have to ask you to overlook my mistakes when writing here...thanks in advance.
Nicnique of course is a nic – but a nic with a history. It's a word combined of Nicolas and Veronique two characters from a novel I'm writing. I was born and raised up as a male. And in my early history you won't find special things that might give you the impression that one day I could have problems with my gender identity. On the other hand you won't find as well indices that I'm a typical male or that I've been a typical boy. I'm still today and was never interested in football, cars or other typical "male stuff".
I started writing poems and short-stories when I was 18. I do and did it not all the times but for some years than stopped and started again nearly 5 years ago.
You might be surprised but I first met the word "androgynous" when I was 42 and it hit me like a stone falling on my feet. Suddenly I knew what was "wrong" with me. I started to go into that and e.g. pulled out some of my earliest stories. And it hit me again. Reading it now I recognized that it was ever there I only didn't see it.
Today I think I tried to live a traditional male life for about 20 or 25 years. Married, got a child (my wife of course
) and separated from my family beginning of this year. I discussed my gender problems with my wife from the first day on and it got more and more obvious that it was impossible for me to live only one side of myself – the male one. So we've gone through a process in which I started to find myself new and my wife tried to accept this. She did it on the one hand but on the other hand she recognized that I'm no more the typical male she want's to live with. So we decided to go our own ways now. She today is living with a big strong guy and even if he represents everything I can't and won't be we have a very good contact and – thanks god – non of these "typical" problems and fights...
Of course I asked myself the well known questions: What the hell I am? TS? TV? CD? Or androgynous. After I found out that I'm not a TS and not a TV and not CD I would say today I'm androgynous. Of course I read a lot of the descriptions and know of the several variations a.s.o. and therefore I should like to try to translate a description I found on the pages of a swiss photographer one day. She wrote:
"The word "androgynous" is combined from "Andros" the greek word for man and "Gyne" for woman. It implicates the imagination of perfection by bringing together the contrasting poles of male and female in one person. The gender of this person is not distraught – there is more than this a game with the boundaries: the attributes (dress, hairstyle, attitude and behaviour,...) allowing us to identify a persons gender are exceeded – but the possibility to change in the one or the other way is not lost."
So I think you might be tired now from reading all this and I should come to an end... I feel a as one person - biological a male but regarding my feelings and my thinking at least 50% female. Therefore I have one name – Nicnique. And my problem is that I can't live in the box "male" I want to live out of the boxes and show my male side as well as my female side...and this in a society based on duality and nearly unchangeable pictures...
With love and regards to all of you
Nicnique
