I won't go into much detail as to not trigger anyone. If you have any questions for me feel free to ask. I'll write a book for you if you ask enough questions.
I guess this would be the place I'd post. After years of torment, internally and externally, I decided that it would be too long a process to transition. I was on this forum 2 others times and, to say the least, I was a nuclear blast in a human body. I've been on many forums and I've learned a lot about myself and what it is to be me. Out of the years of trial and error, trying to figure out what I must do and how I should do it, I realized that even if I was to go through with transitioning MTF, it wouldn't solve one major lingering defect about me.
Being sterile sucks
Yes, I can always adopt so on and so forth, but that doesn't change the fact that once I'm dead......that's it. My genes end right then and there. I won't have anything biological to pass on because I have no biological children. That aspect of reality hit me like a ton of bricks. More than anything else learning that news.....then trying elsewhere and getting the same result....sent me to the brink. I can honestly say I thought about it really REALLY hard. Once again though, the fight or flight side of me is a complete and utter sissy so as you can see I'm still here.
But enough of that mess
I don't really talk much so this is probably the most anyone will see of me. In a previous blog I had many years ago I wrote A LOT. Now I'm more of a complete introvert. I will mostly write only when someone writes to me.
My name, outwardly, is Brian. My inner self is named Mellysia also known as Awai mesu no ryu or what most people on the forum knew me as Pale/Pink Dragoness. No I'm not a furry. Apparently the nickname shouted "furry", but I'm not one and honestly I don't really know what a furry is. I'm, now, 27 years old and I came to the realization around 5 years ago that something is just off with me. I couldn't put my finger on it. I don't remember most of my childhood because of an accident I had when I was 6-7 years old. Got hit by a truck and nearly died for good. In other words I was gone, but somehow they brought me back.
Pretty much it came out of nowhere. I had been a lurker here on this forum for a long time, never even posted. Just one day something happened and I had a massive meltdown. After that, thoughts, emotions, etc came flooding to the surface. I had been seeing a therapist because the relationship with my father has been not so much a relationship. I began to talk to her about how I was feeling and she stated that she was unqualified to treat me based on what I had told her. It's not in her field of study as a clinical psychiatrist. Pretty much, how I understood it, was that I had some major issues and she was blindsided by it. I continued to see her regardless and she did as much research as she could in the amount of time between sessions to help me understand how I was feeling.
After many months I posted for the first time here. Things in life were incredibly unstable. I was heavily medicated and things at home weren't getting any better. I honestly think, to this day, my father has a split personality. He contradicts himself daily and acts different depending on what's going on. Since he never accepts help, i'll never know for sure if my intuition is correct. I began posting on a regular basis trying to find some solace in my feelings with like minded people, but I rushed myself. I started a blog and that went.....nuclear REALLY fast. I started to spill every and anything I happened to feel in that blog.....completely uncensored. After a short while I almost had another breakdown and left for the first time.
It didn't take long for me to come back, maybe around 6-8 months. I again tried to figure out what was going on and try to find some solution. I received help from many of the members here and I thought that I was finally on my way to a change. Then things hit the fan fast. I met great people, but then those people started to disappear. One person in particular just up and left. She was the light that shown in my darkness. I can honestly say that I loved her. When she disappeared I left again. I found her on another forum, but then she left there without a trace again. I haven't heard from her since and have since seen a lot of friends disappear. I broke after that. I started to take massive amounts of medication to try and soothe the hurt inside me, but only ended up hurting myself physically. Lets's just say that taking 7.5 grams of aspirin a day does nothing good for your stomach and everything else that lies after it.
After 2 more years I'm back. Not because I'm thinking about transitioning again, but I thought I could learn more about myself and maybe even try to help others who have been through the same things as I have. I just don't want anyone else to feel how I feel and for those who already do I want to help alleviate that pain.
p.s. As I said before I don't tend to write a lot, but one thing I've found to help me get things out is music. I love soundtrack music. It soothes me. It helps me cope with day to day drudgery and keeps a rare smile on my face. When or if you've found what keeps your world together, don't ever let it go.
xoxoxo
Melly
