I can't figure it out. Nobody else seems to have that problem with you, since they're always calling you up to talk to you. But then it seems like they're all you talk about. People I don't know, or know the life stories of because you've spent long drives telling me about them. Because it seems like any time I'm in the car with you, that's what we're going to do. You're going to talk about your friends, and I'm going to... not really have much input, because how can I? Any time there's a break in the conversation and I want to make a comment I end up interrupting you anyway.
The rare times you actually ask me about myself, half the time you interrupt me and try to finish my sentence with the completely wrong thing, the other half's either stuff I can't talk about because of the TG or you start relating it to some medical study or one of your friends.
I was an anti-social kid, I know. Part of that was from computer addiction, part of it was because when you and dad left the house was the only time I had to myself to try to figure out what was going on as an incredibly confused child. Another part, I guess, was because we always fought and it seemed pointless to try to talk to you when you never understood what I was trying to say anyway. Any time I brought up problems with my life you took it as a mortal attack upon yourself, and were completely impervious to the slightest notion that you could have done something wrong.
I avoided interacting with you as much as possible. Hell, I avoided talking about myself with most people for years. I was embarrassed by my life, or had so little going on in it that I didn't want to broadcast it. It always felt shameful to talk about myself.
I'm not so ashamed about my life anymore... as ironic as it is, now that I'm hiding my transexuality from the world. But now no one cares to listen. For better or worse, tragic or triumphant, I barely talk to everyone I knew 3 years ago. Sure I have new people now, but... it's hard to get a word in edge-wise, let alone have anyone ask. I think most of the people in my past were probably that way and I just never noticed since I didn't want to talk about myself.
But back to you, mom. I can't engage you anyway. Parents treat their kids like children even into adulthood, of course, we all know that. But why must you be frozen at 2 years old? I've "yelled at you since I was 2"? Why aren't you capable of growth? I've changed a lot in my life. I'm a completely different person now than I was a year ago, let alone 3 years, or 8 years, or 19.
Yet, last week you criticized me because when I was young I didn't like music, and now I do (I was 4 or younger at the time, since that's about when I started listening to oldies on the radio non-stop.) And how I used to tell you you shouldn't have long nails, and now I do (I don't remember, I guess I did.) Guess what, people change? Kids say stupid stuff? And you're so incredibly stupid sometimes, how can you possibly use the music thing as a criticism? I seriously can't wrap my mind around how as an adult you fall back to judging me based on behavior I had when I didn't even have pubic hair.
Today she was talking about how she's got very low estrogen. "No waves of estrogen to wash over my babies during pregnancy, that's why I'm good for male babies."
Hold me while I f---ing laugh here, you eugentic bitch.
There's really little in this world more narcissistic/masturbatory than blogs/livejournals/etc. Other than, of course, journaling "people won't listen to me!", but that's not the point. I think I've spent too long trying to make myself invisible. I'm not the only person on this site who's expressed that. My energy is still too passive. Several women I've known have expressed frustration that they don't get attention from men, when they're all anti-social and you know they're just physically radiating that 'stay away from me' aura. I'm trying so hard to change myself from an introvert to an extravert.
Oh well, hand me the tissue, I think I'm done for now.
