When you want to, but can't

[Jessica_W]

9 months ago it all dawned on me - the moment I woke up and learned I've had a female brain all my life. The thought never occurred to me until one day the thought popped in my mind - Are you a woman? Yes. No doubt.

Well my partner (who is taking care of me financially while I'm in school to get a better job) said straight out "There are some doors I won't cross with you." Meaning if I think about transitioning - she will leave. I love her dearly, but for the last nine months - it's been slowly eating away at me.

My best friend asked - If she wasn't in your life, would you transition? I said "In a heartbeat."

I have a whole year and a half of school left before I graduate with a degree that will ensure that I never have to be unemployed again. If I approach my fiancee with the want/need/desire to transition - I will be forced to leave and find a job and life will be a lot harder than it needs to be.

I'm biting my tongue and holding my true feelings in. My best friend knows and she's my confidant. I'm wondering if there are others here, who have been in my shoes where I am right now - with the timing not being the best.

Should I keep going until Winter 2017 - secure that great paying job and then cross the bridge that will inevitably be the end of my current loving relationship? Or do I drop the bomb again and say "I'm not Bi-Gender" as I originally thought and that I need to do this now.

I start school on Monday and they have free counseling which I plan to take part of - but I think you guys are the best because you know what I'm talking about.

Please share your comments and feedback. I'm really struggling with what I should do.

Thanks,
Jess

[JoanneB]

If I lost my career and/or my wife I'd transition to full-time in a heartbeat. It's been a good seven years now that I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife. A wife that knew for some 30 years I had gender issues. But that was a major escalation and betrayal since I had tried twice and totally given up on any thoughts of transitioning and settled on being a CD.

I heard "I did not marry a woman. I like what men have, how they make me feel. etc." Over time her position has mellowed some as she lives with all the positive changes that have happened with me. But I am also no longer a husband in her mind thanks to breasts as big as hers pre-BA. The Open-Marriage option is still very much on the table, though she sees me exercising it before her as I slowly learn who I really am while unlearning a lifetime of doing what was expected.

Transitioning is something that will affect your life. What might you gain? What might you loose? What will never change? All sorts of conflicting needs and wants seeking a balance. Starting with Do you Need, or Want, to transition? 

Most days I simply Want to. Maintaining some reasonable balance of my conflicting needs and wants is a difficult and well practiced juggling act. The days I feel I Need to are few and far between, often passing within a day. To which I am thankful.

[zirconia]

It really sounds like a dilemma. You want to transition. You're in school and financially dependent on your partner until you graduate. You expect your partner to leave you if you take further steps toward transition. Once you graduate you'll never have to be unemployed again.

Do you feel your hesitation to discuss your need to transition with her is more due to not wanting the relationship to end, or the fear of not being able to graduate?

If the former—and if you want to both transition in the future and to retain the relationship—perhaps it would be more prudent in the long run to find a way to continue to discuss your feelings, her feelings and the future at least before you finish school. If you only bring it up after graduation, it would not be surprising should she feel you kept the relationship afloat out of fear of losing her financial support.

In either case it does seem a very difficult situation.

[Dena]

My view is that you should finish school and put the transition on hold. Besides the reason that you will be secure in life, it's also possible that given more time you may be able to soften your partners view of the transition improving the odds that you will stay together. I understand waiting will be hard but this is the point in your life where you have two paths available to you. Chose wisely.

[cindianna_jones]

No matter what, you must finish your education. But I believe you should be honest with your SO. You have no right to put her life on hold if you plan on leaving her. Examine your feelings about her carefully and do the right thing. Whatever you do, make sure she doesn't get pregnant. If you love her, tell her up front. I understand how devastating this can be for both of you. And certainly going through a break up and starting transition can mess with your final year. But you must finish your schooling. Your ability to maintain a job will make or break your life.

[Jessica_W]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I'm not planning on leaving her and I don't want to leave her. She's the one that said if I go down this path, I go it alone (meaning she'll leave me.) I'm doing great in school, and I'm leaning towards holding off doing anything stupid (such as push the transition thing right now - as much as I want to.) I dropped the T-bomb 9 months ago and my therapist said "Perhaps your Bi-Gender" and that was neutral ground that she could accept. She accepts I have "both" a male and female side - although I've been doubting the male side has ever been there. The longing to be true to myself grows more difficult everyday - but you guys are right - I need to stay focused on school and get myself in a better financial position before I can cross any bridges with being trans.

Jess