A lot of how I'm processing being trans is reading TG stories. There are stories I read and reread which always bring tears to my eyes. (Maybe someday, somelife, somewhere over the rainbow, I'll be able to more than simply get moist eyes.) I don't usually understand
why any particular story means so much to me, especially not at first. But then, at least 90% of my transition is taking place below my conscious mind, and the stories aren't really speaking to the conscious me, anyway. (Just as well -- Conscious Me is not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer.)
The one I've been reading and rereading recently is "Stay a Little Bit Longer", by Bailey Summers. (I don't know if the TOS allows me to post a link, but you can find it by googling.) It's from the point of view of a woman who is feeling hurt and rejected and lost and angry because her husband Shawn has transitioned to become Sarah. The part that makes me want to cry is where she's tried dating men and hated it, and then she tries making love with a woman, and she breaks down crying halfway through
Quotebecause it was good ... but it was good because... so much of the way she did things ... was so much like Shawn.
That's the night the Sarah truck ran me over all over again.
That's when I realized it.
It had always been Sarah.
I'm beginning to think that what I'm seeing in this part of the story is that this describes me. My "inner transition" is not so much a process of me changing as it is a process of me gradually realizing and seeing (and accepting) who I've been all along.
For all of my attempts to be who I was supposed to be and to believe I
was what and who they told me I was:
I have always been Allison.I just never realized it.
