Concerns regarding no longer having breasts

[MisterQueer]

I've had this at the back of my head for a bit. Note that I don't plan on getting top surgery for at least four more years, but I think it's best I put my mind at rest here in 2016 instead of constantly keeping myself worried until 2020.

I'm unfortunately large chested, and I've had boobs since I was 10. Due to their size, they've been quite a prominent aspect in my life. I've always had problems with them, but that's the thing. I don't remember what it feels like not to have boobs, because they're always there. I don't remember what it feels like to not have issues towards my chest. I don't remember what it feels like to not be annoyed by them constantly bouncing while running; to not be annoyed by the dreaded underboob sweat. As strange as it sounds, the idea of being flat is so foreign- I want to be flat, yes, more than anything in the world, but I'm so used to feeling awful about my breasts that being flat scares me. So much of my life in the past five years has been invested in feeling horrible about my breasts and wanting them to go away. It's almost like, what would be next? How would I get used to them not being there? How would I get used to not feeling bad about myself? What if I don't get used to the feeling of being flat once again? What if everything around me feels foreign forever?

The idea really scares me, and I keep telling myself not to think about it because I'm not getting surgery anytime soon, but I just need peace as soon as possible.

The best analogy I can think of is people coming out of depression feeling scared and vulnerable because they're so used to being depressed, that being happy/at peace is a new and weird feeling and they're not used to it.

Any advice? Do any other pre-op guys share the same fears? Or did any post-op guys have the same fears in the past?     

[Ms Grace]

The human mind is actually pretty flexible when it comes to dealing with that kind of change. It will feel odd to begin with but that will probably last only as long as it takes to recover and heal from the surgery. All the same it might be good to talk with a counsellor if you have major concerns.

[groudon18]

this is something i've thought about and still think about too. i'm having too surgery in 8 days, and i'm 100% looking forward to it but at the same time it's sort of like "my body will only be like this for 8 more days" yknow? since there will be less skin i wonder what that will feel like... i've asked about this, if it feels like your skin is tight after etc, a friend told me no, it feels more open and free, especially since you don't have to bind anymore. there is one single thing i will miss, and that's how some areas of the skin are sensitive in a good way when my boyfriend touches me there on the underside. but for all i know that's temporary and i'll be able to feel it and feel good again, and even if i lose that, everything i'm gaining from this procedure is absolutely worth the trade off.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

It's a lot easier to get used to less depressed/less dysphoric than get used to the alternative.

It took me 10 YEARS to get used to having breasts (used to it, not happy about it).

It took me approximately zero time to get used to not having menses when I started T.

[FTMax]

Not something I was worried about, but I can see how that would be a point of concern. I started puberty at 9 and also couldn't really remember ever not having them. Top surgery was honestly a breath of fresh air. A weight was literally lifted off my chest and it was incredibly freeing in so many ways. Being flat did take a bit to get used to, but has been nothing I'd change about it. This feels like I've always imagined I should feel.

[invisiblemonsters]

this is something i've thought about and still think about too. i'm having too surgery in 8 days, and i'm 100% looking forward to it but at the same time it's sort of like "my body will only be like this for 8 more days" yknow? since there will be less skin i wonder what that will feel like... i've asked about this, if it feels like your skin is tight after etc, a friend told me no, it feels more open and free, especially since you don't have to bind anymore. there is one single thing i will miss, and that's how some areas of the skin are sensitive in a good way when my boyfriend touches me there on the underside. but for all i know that's temporary and i'll be able to feel it and feel good again, and even if i lose that, everything i'm gaining from this procedure is absolutely worth the trade off.

your skin does feel tight for a few days/weeks after surgery if you get a DI (not sure about the other procedure) but that is what i felt like and it was weird. after awhile, it feels open and free and it is just the best feeling. now i can't remember what it was like to have a large chest when before, i couldn't picture what it would be like to be flat or how i would look.

[MisterQueer]

Reading these posts was reassuring to me, so thank you all who contributed.

I knew it was irrational to think that I'd never get used to the feeling of being flat- I mean, if I could get used to the feeling of having breasts, surely I can get used to the feeling of being flat again. But unfortunately I have an anxiety disorder which makes me imagine non-existent scenarios in my head. Not much I can do about that right now except educate myself and reach out to people.

I'm excited to be flat once again, like I should be. The day won't come for at least four years, but I'm willing to wait. 

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Not something I was worried about, but I can see how that would be a point of concern. I started puberty at 9 and also couldn't really remember ever not having them. Top surgery was honestly a breath of fresh air. A weight was literally lifted off my chest and it was incredibly freeing in so many ways. Being flat did take a bit to get used to, but has been nothing I'd change about it. This feels like I've always imagined I should feel.

Not even two weeks post op, already used to it. Took about two days. Love looking at it in the mirror. TBF, I do remember being flat chested and my tumors started at age 13. I would have done anything to turn back the clock at that point. Idk if that makes me weird but I've been so fixated on this one thing. Nope. Don't miss em at all.

[Jak]

Just passed six months since my surgery and... I love being flat!!!!! Every now and again, while showering, I surprise myself by expecting something to be there, but that's just habit. No bras, no binders = hallelujah! Good luck!

[sigsi]

Note: i'm pre-everything and won't be getting top surgery for years either (also have an anxiety disorder, so I've thought about this to some extent as well).
I didn't hate my body until puberty (9/10). I was content before then. I bought my first binder at 18, it was the first time I felt like I could breathe in years. The next 3 years I was almost happy on the depression spectrum, which was weird as depression was a part of me by then. I became attached to that feeling very quickly though.
Now at 22, I'm looking into meds for my anxiety/depression as they became worse. It freaks me out to think of life with lower anxiety. I know how to react with my anxiety, I know what to predict with a panic attack. Dysphoria wise, I know how to deal with the body I currently have.
It reached a point where living this way became worse than trying not to. If it wasn't for my first reaction to a binder I wouldn't be sure top surgery is what I want. But I will anything to get that feeling back.
Something that helps put my mind in perspective is that top surgery might be like getting a haircut. At least for me, going from medium/longer hair to short takes a few times of not remembering before it mentally sinks in and I'm happy with it. With every small change in my life, I've had to mentally take time to adjust. I believe after I adjust to the change, it will be better overall. Good luck

[Ms Grace]

Somewhat different but I was talking to a cis woman who has recently had a double mastectomy due to cancer and has chosen not to have a reconstruction. I didn't know her before but judging by her comments she was previously very large up top. She was saying there were so many things she was enjoying now, like being able to sleep on her stomach and running/skipping, etc. I'm guessing she readjusted!

[groudon18]

To follow on my previous post in this topic, I'm two weeks post op now and my body already feels used to it, aside from soreness and sensitivity... it's sorta funny though, i might readjust my shirt before i realize i don't have to, or laying down i reach up to absentmindedly grasp what was once there but it's not and it's like "oh, yeah". In a good way though! I'm surprised at how normal it feels, pain aside.

[sigsi]

To follow on my previous post in this topic, I'm two weeks post op now and my body already feels used to it, aside from soreness and sensitivity... it's sorta funny though, i might readjust my shirt before i realize i don't have to, or laying down i reach up to absentmindedly grasp what was once there but it's not and it's like "oh, yeah". In a good way though! I'm surprised at how normal it feels, pain aside.

I'm glad to hear this, it gave me a sort of "calm" about how long adjustment will take. From past minor surgeries, I think I will probably have a harder time adjusting to the lack of movement and remembering there might be pain if I try to do something.
And congrats on your surgery by the way, hope your recovery goes well

[FtMitch]

I guarantee you that you will enjoy it.  I haven't had top surgery yet, but I have always had pretty small boobs.  I have no back pain, I can sleep on my stomach, I rarely wear bras 'cause I just don't need them, I walk around my house with no shirt and I can't feel my breasts (in the sense that there is no weight on my chest), they don't go to the side when I lie on my back, I have no seat belt issues... the list goes on and on. 

And one that won't apply once you've had surgery but is good for me now is that when I wear my binder it's no tighter on my chest that a sports bra yet makes me totally flat, therefore causing no pain (though I find it annoying because I have never really worn bras and hate anything around my rib cage).  Also, I can not bind if I wear a sweatshirt or a sleeveless hoodie shirt or anything else that's thick material and I look totally flat.  Sorry, got a little off topic there!

My point being, I am pretty sure that you will be super happy once you've had top surgery.  There are SO many advantages to having a small chest.  One of my styling clients also just had a double mastectomy and hasn't had reconstruction yet, but she says she plans on getting an A cup (she was a D before!).  Even back when I was living life super femme, you couldn't have paid me to get a boob job--too many disadvantages just to look "sexier".  Not that there is anything wrong with people wanting to do that, but in my experience being small/flat is fantastic!  So no worries, my friend, you're gonna love it!

[objectionyourhonour]

I have also thought about this, as someone who definitely wants top surgery but has no immediate possibilities/plans, but I'm not worried at all! I've had boobs since I was 8 so I also don't really remember what it was like being naturally flat, but I know my chest looks great when I'm binding so it would be brilliant to have that without the discomfort of wearing a binder. Also, just thinking about being able to wander around without a shirt and look the way you want should be enough to make you look forward to surgery! The fear is totally understandable but I'm sure you will adjust really quickly and love your results.

Mitch, I can't imagine you 'living super femme', you look so manly in your picture!

[MisterQueer]

UPDATE: About a week ago I watched a video on how double incision is performed. I stayed away from it in fear it would scare me away from getting top surgery. However, as I'm not easily grossed out and I was curious, I finally gave in and clicked on it. It was actually relieving to watch and I'm glad I did. Knowing what would be happening to my body and understanding/seeing the process of how the surgery was performed felt very refreshing.

[Ayden]

I actually had a bit of reservation in that I didn't know if I'd feel strange. That was two years ago and I woke up, looked down and just laughed. I still get a kick out of laying on my stomach and just putting on a t-shirt instead of layers. 

I started puberty when I was 9, and I had a c cup before surgery.  I can't even remember what it was like to have them anymore. 

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[DoYouRealize]

This thread has been extremely reassuring and helpful for me.

I havent posted in a long time and in that time went from some kind of genderqueer girl-thing to, well, pretty much a guy. Testosterone is a funny thing, and somehow I just found the freedom to let myself be a guy and be chill about it, and realized its oddly simple.

I am fairly late to this sort of thing. Im 37, and started developing at 11 so... Ive had boobs for 26 years. In some hazy past existence, I was a stripper for years. My boobs paid my rent! And theyre actually really pretty. I dont hate my body. But theyve definitely outgrown their usefulness and I wont be needing them again. At this point most of what theyre doing is annoying me in a low-level sort of way.

So my surgery is in two weeks and I suddenly realized I havent talked with anyone about this really, am not a part of any "transgender community" or support group or anything like that. And This thread is touching on exactly the kinds of things which I've been worried about: even though its something I want, its *different* and hard to imagine the after when Im so used to the before! Glad to know that Im not alone in this.

[CMD042414]

I had top surgery 3 months or so after starting T. I wasn't playing around, I wanted them gone. But I can understand how there may be some trepidation in having them suddenly not there. Your chest is buried under so much wrap and tape with drains and such that it's a big mystery what lies beneath for a few weeks after surgery. And you are very numb for the first few days at least. I found this period helped with the transition from breasts to nothing there. It was like a limbo period. Use that time to adjust mentally.

When you see the finished, albeit swollen, product for the first time and see the way a tee shirt looks on you for the first time it takes away that bittersweet nostalgia. The only thing I miss is the erotic sensation in the nipples. Unfortunately with DI that's out the window.

[TransAm]

I can empathize with you to a certain extent. I wasn't -massive- (A large C maybe?), but they felt gigantic to me. I hated binding/sweating/readjusting/walking with an intentional slump/etc., but a small part of me was a little apprehensive of change because I'd gotten so used to the misery routine.
Immediately after surgery, it was an amazing feeling--liberating in the highest sense--and I felt like I was on cloud nine. That is, of course, until it came time to remove the tight bindings (I should note at this point that I spent 2 years binding prior to my top surgery so I had grown very used to pressure on my chest).
It was an odd-as-hell sensation. An emptiness, really, that was actually a little uncomfortable once the soothing 'thundershirt'-like pressure of the bindings was removed. I spent the first two weeks pretty constantly bound as the alternative was so uncomfortable. After I had my drains removed, there was really no reason for me to continue bandaging the area so I stopped. It took about three days for me to get used to the sensation of comfortably touching my chest and getting used to the feeling of being flat.

I had my surgery a year and four days ago and I can 100% tell you that I regret -nothing-. As uncomfortable as it may be initially to get adjusted to a new feeling, it's absolutely worth it. I love my chest, I love just tossing on a t shirt and walking out the door and I love walking around shirtless.