So a thought came up today, after a long day of troubling thoughts.
Currently I am at training for my military unit, I have come across a lot more accepting me as my own and not as who I am not. I have come out to a handful of my peers, and all of course are accepting. So far with my ability to gauge who I can talk to, I am at a 100% accuracy of my own numbers. So among those of who I have told, it does not match up to a decided 80% of non acceptance from what one of my superiors have gauged already from a talk I had a while back, else I would have come across one who was not accepting.
This got me thinking. This got me to write an excerpt in my phones notes base. Which reads (names are exempt, or altered to protect identities) (as well as language is also altered to comply with TOS):
"Today completely threw me out of it. Sure on the outside with the goofy of everything that happens along with the craziness of the job keeping everything in line to make sure mission does not fail keeps me slightly sane. I am going insane on the inside. The further away from MYSELF that I get puts me in a deep reflective state. One in which gets me thinking of what I am doing. Who I am. Where do I go from here? Many questions and I am my only true support in the whole "(self omitted) it gene" that (omitted) strictly abides by. But how can I accomplish his strength knowing full well that I am still technically not legal to be in the United States Army. The ban was pushed back from its original date of 26 May 2016, and until when will it go, where will it turn up to when things can become a normality?
I am who I am, and if people dont like it, (self omitted) it, I really do not care what they think, but what will ultimately bring me to a state of mind in which to keep me afloat. The military is a great place to be, granted my own state and state of mind kind of clash in the regulations. I cannot be who I am due to this. Who can I really go to, if the one who says he is accepting, but at the same time he is the middle man of saying others do not like it? Whoever it is, if it is truthful, or just a dirty little mask in which is a denial in their own just action. Where do I go if I cannot be me, as me fully.
Who am I? I am Kate, I am (omitted my current rank and last name) (currently) and furthermore I am just simply me. The Army is comprised of soldiers, a term in which is a multicultural, diverse setting comprised of everybody from big to small, male to female, from Buddhist to Jewish. The premise of the universal term "Soldier" is all of this, not one or the other not discriminant to one thing or another. But is this all there is to it. Today was a day in which our own multi-universal barracks as all in the same female and male soldiers were then uprooted from doing so, and all females were placed into another building all together. All except myself, as I am still fully on a big technicality male. But this is a preventative for things that can "head south" in terms of things happening.
(Deleted my own intermission of writing due to going to the day room to play dominos with the other soldiers [both male and female alike])
The closer we get to segregation of the universal (soldiers), the further away I am away from myself. The open becomes closed, and then slowly I look back and all around becomes clear, this is becoming a trap, engulfing literally everything I would stand for, and compressing it all into a box. Hiding my own from even myself, the way I see it, there is still a massive turbulence in claiming all as equal, yet at the day side we are all soldiers. Night side we are still under developed, deconstructed and becoming what is the gender binary. What say this as a final thought."
Re-reading my own thoughts, and thinking to myself. I asked my own question as someone in the United States Army...
What is an American Soldier?
Another excerpt reads in my notes as such answering this question:
"An American soldier is a UNIVERSAL term of someone serving in the United States Army, regardless of ethnicity (white, black, asian, etc), religious background (Christian, Jewish, Pagan, etc...) and gender (male and female).
Universal is a term based on removing barriers from the premise. Example; a universal remote: Serves the functionality to connect to many different brands and shades of televisions, and other remote-able objects.
Another example would be a universal electrical outlet, which serves as to provide a vehicle to plug in a device which is not capable in another country.
So an American Soldier is just that... An American Soldier."
Am I just thinking too deep into my own day? What should i do in regards to keep myself away from my own demise in all this outward thinking?
I have 10 days left of this training exercise... And I also have a note to my own battle buddy which reads this.
"Depending on circumstances that another female might not be in the next iteration on our site.
Once you leave that would add up to a 5 day deep emotional breakdown, a shift over to pulling overnights, otherwise a transfer to the other site.
One will happen, and I say this... I will not let myself get the better of me."
My motivation is to make it through these next 10 days with minimal interference from my own part, and if I have to just "bite the bullet" and press on to just keep on going without more commotion than there already is. (earlier this week I was talked to by one superior who is accepting and knows about Kate fully, but may not completely understand, this superior is the one I am mainly questioning in the first except about a possibility in denial of his own recourse, due to an instance of trying to guise myself and blend in but at the same time being myself and wearing a bra like I normally do, but this instance had a slight dress down and apparently my curves may have "offended someone")
Anyways enough of this, I am tired, and thinking way way way too much.
/end rant
But lastly, congruent to all of this i thought up a game...
It is simple, yet makes you think...
I have a description, and we can take turns in what a good word which will sum it up nicely... And so ahead of this is the way this works...
Create a word for this description: "Fighting yourself emotionally to try and see logic to what others seem to have a just reason against you."
Kate <3
