Any less of a woman?

[Mujer_Mariposa]

Hello there! 

It's been a while since I've ventured on here:

I've been dealing with dysphoria my entire life. I've always considered myself a mtf transgender. However, I've been struggling with my identity over the years. It seems like I see the constant theme of "if you don't want hrt or srs you aren't a transwoman, you're genderqueer, genderfluid, etc.". Up to now, I've decided I don't want srs or hrt. I don't hate my male parts, I just hate what society expects of me because of them. I hate the notion of being dependent on meds for the rest of my life, so I've ruled out hrt.

Up to now, I've done things which alleviate my dysphoria to a large degree (the intensity of it varies from day to day but it's never been unbearable): my hair's been long for 7 years, I incorporate more feminine clothing in my wardrobe (I haven't worn men's jeans in years  , and I've started using makeup on the weekends, but my dysphoria still acts up.  It's almost like a little voice saying "nice try! No matter how much you disguise it you're still a man with makeup"

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have days where my dysphoria is rampant & loud, and other days it's small & docile.

My question is: Could I possibly be gender fluid or queer? Am I not a full trans woman for not seeking hrt or srs? I've asked myself the same question & I always come to the conclusion. "No, I'm just a woman"

[Rachel_Christina]

I understand maybe not wanting SRS, I mean it is a big deal, but I think the HRT would really calm you, i think it calms us all, for me, I think HRT is the closest we can get to acctually being female, the rest is just amazing science and medical advance really!
I honestly think you should try HRT, the fact that you don't feel right even with what you are doing shows you need to go a step further!
Duno if this helps, but ther it is anyway, hugs Christine

[Mujer_Mariposa]

Hello Christine! 

Any input definitely helps! I have considered HRT many times, & while the part of feeling more female is very tempting, the fact that certain parts...down there stop working after a while doesn't appeal to me at all. So, at the end I always keep saying no.

[cheryl reeves]

Nothing wrong with not wanting hrt or grs and adapting to liking your male parts. I'm a woman who doesn't take hrt or want grs,I have natural b cup breasts and learned to like my male parts for I always wanted children and a relationship with a woman,I fathered 3 children and still married after 28yrs. My wife is ok with my dressing as long as I present as male in public which I got good at over the yrs,if you ever saw me In public you wouldn't know I was transgendered. I just live life and try to keep it interesting.

[Mujer_Mariposa]

Cheryl, your words are a godsend!

I'm not saying I won't change my mind (nothing's set in stone) but my views have been pretty consistent over the years. I never thought I'd meet another non-transitioning trans person, so this is great!

Personally, I don't mind people knowing I'm transgendered. I might help them gender me correctly...

Best of luck to you!

[Rachel_Christina]

Im pretty sure they don't stop working completly,
It takes nore effort and brcomes alot smaller, it becomes a shenis!

[cheryl reeves]

Cheryl, your words are a godsend!

I'm not saying I won't change my mind (nothing's set in stone) but my views have been pretty consistent over the years. I never thought I'd meet another non-transitioning trans person, so this is great!

Personally, I don't mind people knowing I'm transgendered. I might help them gender me correctly...

Best of luck to you!

Not too many of us are brave enough to say no to hrt or grs, it seems when we come out it's off too a pshychstrist,then to the endo for hormones, then off too Thailand for surgery,I don't like psychiatrists,don't like taking pills,and don't like the pain that comes from being operated on and last of all don't want a divorce that comes along with all that. Besides I got my own natural breasts and a womans body that I hide under big t-shirts and baggy shorts or jeans the only part of me that is male is my penis whom I call Henry....lol, walk your own path and never think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence for it's a illusion design to ensnare you and want to make you something your not. I've always walked my own path and was lucky to find a companion too walk it with me, She has her days when I overdo it and days where she suggests I dress up. So stay true to your path for the jouney is what you make of it.

[EmilyMK03]

I hate the notion of being dependent on meds for the rest of my life, so I've ruled out hrt.

I had the same thoughts before I started HRT.  Then I came to the realization that billions of people take medications their entire life, and they get along just fine.  Think about all the people who have high blood pressure or high cholesterol and have to take daily pills for that.  Or what about the millions of people who live with diabetes and need to give themselves regular insulin injections?

I was also terrified the first few times I did estrogen injections.  It took me almost 30 min to do my first one as I was shaking and taking breaks after each step!  But now it just takes 5 min, if that, and it's just another routine part of my week. 

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Nobody says you have to take HRT for the rest of your life. In fact, it seems like a great number of people either go on for a brief period then quit once they've had changes they like, or go on/off, on/off during their lifetime. Also, there's no law saying you have to have a testosterone blocker if you don't want it. It may make changes slower but T is the sex hormone and maybe you want to keep your levels higher than others do. There are so many options for MTF HRT it's kind of mind boggling.

Not saying the OP has to do any of this but thought I'd mention that for the lurkers. Many, many trans people only go on hormones for a limited period of time.

[VeronicaLynn]

Mujer Mariposa, your story seems a lot like mine. I've struggled with this question too, and I do use the genderfluid label but I also realize it is just a label. I don't feel I'm less of a woman, if anything, it makes me more than just a woman, in that yeah, I can pass as a guy for short periods of time, whether it be at work or at a nightclub or wherever, but most of the time I'm a non-transitioning trans woman. It's not a bad thing, being genderfluid, but it is mostly just a label to use rather than telling my whole long complicated story.

[CarlyMcx]

Hello Christine! 

Any input definitely helps! I have considered HRT many times, & while the part of feeling more female is very tempting, the fact that certain parts...down there stop working after a while doesn't appeal to me at all. So, at the end I always keep saying no.

There is an endocrinologist in Southern California who supposedly can set up hormones without impairing male sexual function.  From what I have heard, it entails going on estrogen but not going on androgen blockers, and cycling the estrogen.  There is also the possibility of low dose hormones.

I was originally considering going low dose, but I had been suffering panic attacks for ten years, and had been on beta blockers for that long, plus being on benzodiazapenes as needed and short stints on antidepressants and antianxiety drugs (which did not work).

I rolled the dice on a full transition dose of hormones, and the psychological effects have been immediate and stunning.  Mentally it is like rolling things back to when I was 14, just before I went through puberty.  All of a sudden, the worries are gone, and I can think clearly and function well.  And my temper is mostly gone.  No more swearing in traffic, swearing at the computer, kicking my briefcase, etc. etc.