Reasons to Live, *trigger*

[2cherry]

This topic is intended to help others who struggle. Forum policies still applied, I just want to share a story with those who contemplate choosing death. I have been there many times, and the only thing I needed most was someone who would listen, not someone who gives advice. I won't give advice, I will share what I know and learned, in the hope that someone might benefit from it.

Here's my story:

Four years ago a woman took her own life... I never got to meet her.

I learned about her story from a friend, she was friends with her. She would show me her pictures and tell stories about her. If I had gone to a meeting, I would have seen her and possible got to know her, and maybe even got friends with her. That did not happen. When I saw her picture, I knew only one thing: I lost my best friend, even though I never met her. I might even say that I lost a soulmate...

I never got to meet her... and never will.

I think about her to this day. I regret I never got the chance to meet her. I even tried to take my own life twice in the last few years.

A year ago I stood on the edge of a bridge...

I thought that no-one would care. I was wrong. As the sun sank below the horizon, I saw a old man approach me... it was a fisherman who was fishing nearby and saw me standing on the bridge. He had a very rough, deep and worn face. He said: "Girl, I'm not leaving until you leave that edge. I'm staying with you." He did, and he only listened...

I survived.

Last month, I was standing on a railroad in the middle of the night... crying at the stars, crying and being angry at the world, the universe and God knows what else. I heard a train approaching... it starts with noise, the tracks lit up, glowing in the pitch black darkness... before it hit me, I pulled back...

This is not what I wanted... I did not want to die, but I felt I had no choice. But I did had a choice. I choose for life again that night. I am whole, not in pieces. I am alive, not dead. I have a chance again. I thought: this has to stop, and I sought help from professionals, and currently I am doing a program for recovery.

You know, I realized a couple of things from this...

1. Life may seem pointless at times, but death is certainly pointless. You might as well live.

2. If you live by the day, then any bad day might feel like the end of your life. So, make plans.

3. If there is no hope, create hope yourself.

4. If I died, someone, somewhere might have missed out on me. Like I missed out on a possible great friend.

5. And what I learned today: It is OK not to be OK. Get help, get better. Brick by brick.

To close, I like to share this video about the story of that man who jumped from the golden gate bridge, and survived. It may move you to tears, it did it to me...

[Cindy]

Cherry,

Always remember we are here for you as you are for us.

You are a very lovely person and the world needs you.

Cindy

[2cherry]

Thank you Cindy! you are -as always- a very loving and caring person! 

[WarGrowlmon1990]

Thanks for this post 2cherry. I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts off and on throughout my life. Sometimes it seems as if the depression will win... but I'm still here, and still fighting it.

I teared up watching that video too. It reminded me of my first suicide attempt. It was about ten months after I first got shoved back into the closet (didn't know the term transgender then, but I knew I "wanted to be a guy"). I was still in high school living with my parents and we lived very close to the Red River. I just walked right into the river and held myself down in there. Usually the river has a very strong current, but that day it didn't. As I was holding myself down, my thoughts suddenly drifted to my nephew who was almost two years old at the time (he's turning twelve this year and I've got a two year old kid of my own now, that's how long it's been). I starting thinking about how much I loved him and how he'd never get to know me. I pulled myself out of the river and stayed on the shore for I don't know how long. It could've been hours. It could've been minutes. Some people across the river (who weren't there when I went in) saw me and were calling to me, asking me if I was okay. People I didn't even know. I think I remember mumbling yes or something and retreating into the woods cause I suddenly felt so embarrassed over this. More time went by and a patrol boat went past. I took the slowest walk home, where my parents still hadn't returned from work yet. The next day I told them about the suicide attempt. To this day I still remember the man who had the loudest voice that called to me. I didn't even know him and yet, he was genuinely worried about me.

I'm trying to be stronger now and overcome this so I don't become another statistic. And so that I can be there for my kids.