Maybe staying married wasn't such a great idea

[Emileeeee]

Let me preface this with the fact that I love my wife and she is more supportive of me in my transition than anybody I know, but there are other things popping up that are causing some major issues, issues that I'm not sure the marriage can survive.

The issue is that she's straight, not even a hint of liking women. This was all discussed awhile ago and she repeatedly stated that it wasn't an issue, but it is. It's like we're not actually married when there are other people around. She expects us to behave as married at home, but outside of the home is a completely different story. There's no more holding hands, no affection at all including hugs, no couples pictures, no romantic dinners. Date nights can only happen at home with takeout. Calling her anything that indicates we're married is an instant argument, which is really difficult to avoid when that's how I refer to her at home. She gets upset if I use her actual name at home.

I'm not really sure what to do here. There doesn't seem to be an end to it in sight. This is the only major issue in the marriage though.

[wendylove]

Its difficult for anyone to tell you whats the right or wrong thing to do unfortunately we all have to figure the answers out ourselves.
I'm faced with the same dilemma though.
I love my wife more than simple words can say but I know that she will never accept who I am, the only option that I have is to divorce her which breaks my heart. I carn't do this right now because she is going through too much at this time but when is the right time, from her perspective never.
I will leave my wife before I come out in a vain attempt to save her from even more pain than she has already been through.
You and your wife decided to stay together and to try and make it work which many people on this forum appear to have succeeded your wife however may be of the same opinion as my wife and simply may not be able to tolerate it.
It's a very tough decision and one which you both can only resolve.
Try and have a frank conversation, it may be that you just need to resolve some personnel issues or that there are too many to resolve.
It may mean that you will have to split and just have a friendship.
You've chosen your path she now needs to choose hers and you need to try and respect that even if it breaks your heart.
Good luck and my thoughts and heart goes out to you.

[Emileeeee]

Yeah I guess you're right. I think I really just needed to feel like I was talking to someone other than her. This discussion builds walls between us and and of the family that still talks to me, none of them are still in the area, so she's basically the only person I can talk to.

[Karen_A]

She expects us to behave as married at home, but outside of the home is a completely different story. There's no more holding hands, no affection at all including hugs, no couples pictures, no romantic dinners.

That is how it was originally with my spouse... but over time that has changed, but it took years. We have been married 32 years, and I transitioned 19 years ago.

- karen

[Dee Marshall]

You're still all better off than me. Two years into transition, still living together, she calls me her best friend. But her other friends get hugs and pecks on the cheek. I get nothing. The day after our 35th anniversary she asked for a divorce,then followed up with "I don't want anything else to change, I just can't be married to you." How can I live with woman I love so much as just a friend? I won't say "more than life itself," because I obviously decided that in the other direction.

At least you're still married in private, tough as that no doubt is.

[Emileeeee]

I guess I'll give it more time and see how it pans out. It's tough being married to your best friend and going from all that hope and happiness, to basically being friends with benefits while still being married on paper.

[CrysC]

I'm with ya sister.. it's hard.  My wife is not my wife.  We can cuddle, she will kiss me hello/goodbye when nobody else can see, and is my best friend.  That said, she is not a lesbian, doesn't want to be one and I can't help but think we are headed to an inevitable breakup.  That would suck a lot and really hurt the kids.  We have been together over half of our lives.  Still, life is short and I want her to be happy.  I will try to keep us together at least one more year to see if we can make it or not but I do worry. 
If you read Jenny Boylan's stuff it sounds like she went though this too, but they came out of it okay years after transition.
Good luck honey and know that you are definitely not alone in this predicament. 

[Emileeeee]

We haven't been together for nearly that long, but there are a few kids involved. I'll give it another year or two and see if things get better. I have my doubts though. The idea of a straight woman with a lesbian didn't sound so bad at first, but thinking about it more rationally during transition, that's huge. Thanks for the input. Hope it works out for you as well.

[Lyric]

Your situation is one of the most common problems I've heard from TG people over the years. There is no easy solution. Whether you stay together or part ways it will be very difficult.

While I have known of some marriages that well survived the husband becoming a crossdresser, a successful marriage between a straight woman and a fully transitioned transsexual must be quite rare. I'm sure they have happened, but I suppose it would no longer fit the usual description of a marriage. I'd like to hear from anyone on the forum who has such a situation and it is working well.

[Emileeeee]

I'd like to hear from anyone on the forum who has such a situation and it is working well.

Me too

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I wonder if there's resources among spouses of partners who came out as gay? Sometimes a gay person and a straight person will stay married to each other, but usually not. There are support groups for the spouses who often feel devastated that they didn't know/were lied to/start having self esteem issues around themselves as a woman/man.

[Jocee]

I'm with ya sister.. it's hard.  My wife is not my wife.  We can cuddle, she will kiss me hello/goodbye when nobody else can see, and is my best friend.  That said, she is not a lesbian, doesn't want to be one and I can't help but think we are headed to an inevitable breakup.  That would suck a lot and really hurt the kids.  We have been together over half of our lives.  Still, life is short and I want her to be happy.  I will try to keep us together at least one more year to see if we can make it or not but I do worry. 

If you read Jenny Boylan's stuff it sounds like she went though this too, but they came out of it okay years after transition.

This is perhaps THE single fundamental issue that blocks any further progress that I contemplate. My spouse has come a long way with me, and have been very supportive/accepting of me pushing my boundaries (clothing choice, grooming, hair, going out, androgyny). Recently we discussed my upcoming retirement, and whether I would transition and in the same breath said that "she could not stay married to me, as she is not lesbian". *SIGH*

Joanna

[CrysC]

This is perhaps THE single fundamental issue that blocks any further progress that I contemplate. My spouse has come a long way with me, and have been very supportive/accepting of me pushing my boundaries (clothing choice, grooming, hair, going out, androgyny). Recently we discussed my upcoming retirement, and whether I would transition and in the same breath said that "she could stay married to me", as she is not lesbian. *SIGH*

Joanna

For a few years I said that I would live in the middle.  I would remain male in presentation but go out on occasion as a woman.  I'd take hormones and feminize but still try to live as a male.  So this is what I did and I lived like that for 1.5 years.  It wasn't easy.  I was spotted as trans more than a few times and multiple people thought I was a girl no matter what I wore.  Of course I rather liked that but that didn't help things.

In the end that strategy didn't last.  After about a year and a half, my wife didn't want physical relations and that was probably when I fell off the proverbial cliff that I was standing at the top of.  Full transition became planned along with figuring out when to do notification and transition.  I can't really even remember when I went from trying to live in the middle to planning to go all the way.

Here's the thing though, I have never been so happy to exist since I transitioned.  The first couple of months were choppy but then I gained confidence, a voice and everything settled out. Now I've been living full time for a year and am about to have SRS.  We are still together but by the skin of our teeth.  I don't know if she can handle me post SRS.  The lack of the physical is a real pain in the neck but I love her.  Do I love her enough to stay with her without any physical intimacy?  What about post-SRS when I would like to be physical with somebody that could love me?  Male or female even.  Jenny Boylan said it was like buying a sports car and never driving it but keeping it in a garage. 

My plan is to try to be the best person I can to her and if she decides to break us up, it won't be for lack of trying on my part.  I do try to push the intimacy thing as something of a problem and for her that's a deal breaker.  My worst part of that is if she was single she would likely do far more with somebody she recently met than me now who she has been together with for over 20 years.  It makes me fell less of myself than I should. 

Anyhow, I agree with the SIGH

[Jocee]

For a few years I said that I would live in the middle.

"Live in the middle"..... I like that analogy.That is precisely what I'm doing today..... *Double Sigh*

[Emileeeee]

I'm also nervous about SRS, which I'm in the process of scheduling, not because I think it'll change things, but because she does. Time will tell I suppose.

[Michelle_P]

For a few years I said that I would live in the middle.

Yup.  I don't think I'll last a year.

We're in an unpleasant "don't ask, don't tell" state now, where I am not permitted to present as myself at home.  I have to inform my wife when I will be living for appointments where I will present properly, and when I return.  She goes to a back room in the house and closes the door while I move from the master bath and closet to the garage and my car.  On return I am to text her, and will be texted back when I may enter, after she has sequestered herself.

I've offered joint therapy sessions.  "No, I can't handle that yet."  I've offered basic information brochures. "No, I can't see that."  I have one sitting out on my desk.  She now refuses to enter the office.

I say "I love you" at night and get nothing back.

Oh, and she says she IS being supportive.

Yeah, maybe staying married isn't such a great idea.  I have therapy tomorrow.  My wife will be the topic of discussion as usual.  I don't know if I'll be coming home.

[LizK]

I think the relationship my wife and I have will survive my full transition and well into the future, to think anything less, for me, would set us up for failure.

I had a long conversation with my wife today about our future. We have not had sex for over 10 years and well before I dropped the final T-Bomb was the last time. So I asked her today how she sees our future and she remains adamant that she is not going anywhere and that our future is now bright . So I told her flat out that I can't live in a relationship without intimacy she feels exactly the same..phew!!!!. I don't care about the physical sex act but I still want to remain intimate. I miss the touching and the cuddling and the those lovely out of the blue kisses. She feels the same way so we are going to make more of an effort to be more intimate with each other. We talk about everything we share everything we no longer have secrets...we have a real future together. Going by the last 30 years the next 30 should be even better

I have had the SRS discussion and told her that yes I most likely would want to experiment after SRS but that I wouldn't because I was married and despite my changes I will honor my commitment because I love her. Having SRS is not about sex for me...I don't really care if I never have sex again....never could see what all the fuss is about. Don't get me wrong..its nice...but...Having the wrong equipment for so long has left me totally non-plussed about sex. Maybe I will feel different after SRS but at this stage, no sex required.

We talked for quite some time and I really do think we will be OK. It is not easy and will take plenty of compromise. We have been married many years and so far we have survived some very, very, tough times, both emotionally and financially. We are in good shape now. I know she is concerned about being labeled as a Lesbian but I said to her that in order to be in a lesbian relationship wouldn't we need to be having some kind of sex? So if we don't have sex does that we we are just a couple of old women sharing a house? Either way I think the only way out of this marriage for me is in a wooden box and you know what? That just sits fine with me.

Hugs Liz

PS My wife just walked into my "Girl Cave" and gave me a great big kiss, hug, intimate squeeze and told me she off to bed...First time she has done that in Months... 😀 🙂 🙂

[Jocee]

PS My wife just walked into my "Girl Cave" and gave me a great big kiss, hug, intimate squeeze and told me she off to bed...First time she has done that in Months... 😀 🙂 🙂

I hope you quickly followed her 🙂

[Dee Marshall]

I'm happy for you Elizabeth. I hope that your future is just as you dream.

[LucyNewport]

If it makes you feel better I'm in the same boat here. My relationship with my wife is very strained at the moment. I think the only reason she hasn't come right out and asked for a divorce is our kids.

Physically there is nothing going on between us. I think she finds my body repulsive. Our biggest fights have been whenever another transition milestone has been crossed. For example back in February when she came back from a trip and fully noticed how little facial hair I had left (after months of LHR). More recently the effects of HRT have been piling up and that is an issue.

Ultimately, she is not/cannot be attracted to a woman. I am not/cannot be a man. Something will eventually give.