Mixed emotions

[SamanthaG]

So this is the first time I have ever posted here and I have a lot to say but I will try to keep this short. I'very just been really confused for a long time now. I'm 22 and I would love to look in the mirror and see a woman but I'm starting to fight these feelings. It's not that I don't want to be a girl, I do, but I'm worried that I want to for the wrong reasons. I've always loved women's clothes and I think that's a big part of my feelings. That said, I present as a guy in public mostly because im afraid and a lack of confidence (and nother being able to afford the clothes I want right now anyway) Also, I have tried seeing therapists about this and really I've never really gotten a positive response from them, including one who works with people who have gender dysphoria... it can feel really disparaging sometimes. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of caring so much about poeple's opinions and Im tired of feeling angry. I guess I just wanted to get this out there and ask if anyone has any general advice?

[Paige]

So this is the first time I have ever posted here and I have a lot to say but I will try to keep this short. I'very just been really confused for a long time now. I'm 22 and I would love to look in the mirror and see a woman but I'm starting to fight these feelings. It's not that I don't want to be a girl, I do, but I'm worried that I want to for the wrong reasons. I've always loved women's clothes and I think that's a big part of my feelings. That said, I present as a guy in public mostly because im afraid and a lack of confidence (and nother being able to afford the clothes I want right now anyway) Also, I have tried seeing therapists about this and really I've never really gotten a positive response from them, including one who works with people who have gender dysphoria... it can feel really disparaging sometimes. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of caring so much about poeple's opinions and Im tired of feeling angry. I guess I just wanted to get this out there and ask if anyone has any general advice?

Hi Samantha,

I'm sorry to hear about your problems.  Perhaps if you think it's all about women's clothes, you might try doing some things that people won't notice, like wearing women's underwear, socks, maybe a blouse under a sweater, perhaps painting your toes.  Maybe pierce your ears.  Lots of guys do that.

This might give you some relief and give you some indication of where you want to go next.

Anyway just an idea.
Paige

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. This site has many people who have felt like you and delayed their transition for many years only to regret it much latter. Facing the therapy and transition is difficult but it's much better to face it earlier in life than later. Let me tell you the story of my life as it could apply to you if you wish. I first came out at age 23 but unlike you, it was extremely difficult to find anybody who could treat me. The reason for this was the first treatment programs in the United States was started 10 years before and the nearest help I could find was 400 miles away. I moved from home and spent until I was 30 years old before completing my transition. You have many more options available to you so I am sure you could complete this part far faster than I did. I am about to turn 65 years old next month and like many on the site, my only regret is that it wasn't possible to receive treatment sooner.

Stay with us on this site and determine what you really want. Some people don't desire surgery and find the non binary life style more to their liking. What every you decide is right for you, you should put all your effort into achieving because it's worth it.

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[Moyshe313]

I'm Pre-HRT and yes, the dysphoria sucks. I present as male for the time being. I won't present as female until the HRT starts taking effect. I wear panties and camis and sometimes nylons under my clothes. Paint my nails, and sometimes wear women's jeans. For me it really helps. Lately I've been wearing yoga pants to bed. The dysphoria has been kept at bay until I start HRT in a month. 

[CarlyMcx]

Liking what you see when you look in the mirror is the most important reason in the world to transition.  We do this for ourselves, not for others.

As far as liking women's clothing and wanting to wear it, there is nothing at all wrong with that.  But, like I did in my past, you may want to spend some time figuring out where you are on the gender spectrum, whether you are more towards being a crossdresser or whether a medical transition is something you need.  I am not  a doctor or therapist, but hormone therapy might help you with your anger.  A lot of folks have reported that hormones have a tremendous calming influence.  YMMV.

One thing you need to do is find the right therapist, and find a support group.  Hopefully there is an LGBT center somewhere near you where you can find support.  Having a judgment free environment in which you can express yourself is the most important thing in the world.

[SamanthaG]

Thank you so much to everyone who responded to my post!! I meant to post again earlier but wasn't able to. I was feeling very frustrated when I posted and reading all your responses really helps tremendously. I agree that I need to find just the right therapist or support group and I am working on finding that but to be able to find support here in the forum really means so very much.   

[Brenda3156]

I have spent a lot of time on this site reading posts and responses, probably hundreds of hours of it. One thing that strikes me is that this experience of having two sides of yourself is different for everyone. It truly is a unique experience. Also some people have a greater degree of dysphoria than others. Mine has been mild but persistent. That, coupled with the fact that I am a strong willed person, has allowed me to live a happy, successful life without regret, even though I never transitioned. I was able to compartmentalize my "other self" while at the same time drawing from the traits when I needed or wanted them. I did all the things others have suggested, wearing panties, shaving my legs in the winter, wearing lip gloss and other things, while still being a strong happy male with a wife and kids. I know that at times some of the traits of my female self have come to surface in a way that made me a better husband, a more nurturing father and a better manager at work.  Look inside yourself and mentally see if you can figure out where in the spectrum you fit. To say that is not possible to manage the dysphoria and this existence, is simply not true for everyone. To think that you will never be happy unless you just "go for it" may not be true for you. Think about it and get counseling if you think you need it, to help you decide