Missing the feminine side of me and having conflicting emotions/thoughts

[LatrellHK]

So I identify as male but, until recently, I've been very much missing a lot of the feminine me.

Like I was forced to be girly growing up. When I turned 14 and was given free will, I stayed pretty feminine. Then I turned 16 and began switching was happy doing that.

Now I'm 19 and actually missing part of that. I hated being forced to wear womens clothing, makeup, dresses, heels, use purses. You name it. Like I look at womens clothing and dresses and think, "wow this would look cute." Then feel confused because previously, I would have ignored it and went straight to mens.

I enjoy mens clothing, boxers, briefs, adore suits, everything. I like being masculine. But I also enjoy being/showing my feminine side. I just hide it because people being to doubt me and my sexuality, which I am just now growing comfortable with.

Like I enjoy me. I am happy on T. I want to get surgery but I also miss some aspects of being a female. I kinda miss dresses and able to get my hair braided nicely without people judging every bit of me for doing that.

I don't really know what's happening, and this intensifies during the red devil. So I don't know if it's really me or just that talking. Any advice would be welcome because i am having a lot of mixed emotions.

[Elis]

I've had this. Growing up I hated feminine stuff because people would see me as a girl and call me pretty or whatever. Pre T when i knew i was trans my need to be feminine worsened every month. These feelings didn't occur until I accepted I was a guy. I've had a lot of confused feelings about this not because I doubted I was a trans guy; but because I can't express this part of myself and it feels like I'm locked in a cage. And yeah; i wondered if it was the estrogen but apperantly not. I'm a lot better and more accepting of it than I was. Partly due to realising I don't feel 100% like a male anyway and never have and due to the effects of T which have helped my self esteem and dysphoria. I've also recently pierced my ears which had given me the much needed outlet for my feminity; so I no longer feel as quite as caged as before. Also it may be due to me becomimg comfortable with my sexuality althougg i still find that confusing.

So you're completely normal; just a man who has good dress sense because lets face it; stereotypically female clothes are a lot prettier than stereotypically male clothes

[Lorlor]

Maybe you're genderqueer, gender fluid, non-binary, or just not stereotypically masculine. As we all know gender identity and gender expression aren't he same thing.

I lived the same childhood of being guided down a more feminine path and being constantly gifted make-up and dresses by various family members. Told horrible things by my grandmother about how I'd never find love if I didn't show off my goods, cover my freckles in foundation, learn to wer heels, etc.

Personal I love how hormones make me feel and wouldn't take back my medical transition for anything. They make me feel more comfortable being feminine actually. I celebrated my one year on T by wearing a dress in public for the first time in years and it felt great.

Feel free to explore your identity and express yourself in a way that makes you happy and comfortable.

[LatrellHK]

I might be gender-fluid. I have a few friends who are. It's not all the time, just moments at a time . Getting worse.

It's really bad when I go clothes shopping now. I always like to look at womens clothing. I just don't have the confidence to wear anything in public but I have an urge to just go out in womens jeans and a shirt.

I might end up buying something in a while and see what it does for me to wear it. I still have a feminine body shape and, according to my friends/co-workers, very gender neutral looks. So who knows, maybe I can do it... Maybe...

[Dena]

This thread fascinates me because I am always looking for mirror images between MTF and FTM. I have seen where MTF have a resistance to transitioning when they receive HRT and are able to be somewhat comfortable in the male role as their body is feminizing. I wasn't and still am not sure the counterpart exist in the FTM community but it might. To show you what I mean, there are two threads you might find somewhat informative.
Thread 1 and Thread 2

[Kylo]

It's been studied the effect E has on the way people dress, or choose to dress,  when E levels are higher or lower, so if you're on T but still getting female effects, this might be one reason why you find your preferences changing - if those studies have credence to them. I can't say I got that effect myself though, I've never really had much affinity for female clothing etc. at any time. Well, I dunno, does wanting to soak in a hot bath for ages count as a feminine behavior? Because guilty as charged.

[WolfNightV4X1]

I consider myself a twink/femboy and depending on what kind of feminine clothing Id really like crossdressing, miniskirts and thigh high socks are pretty adorable, and pink clothes.

Overall, the designation of clothes as male or female is entirely arbitrary, we just happen to express ourselves as 'different' to make some defining traits between the two genders.

For me, if Im going to wear girl clothes, Im a guy, not a girl. I tend to gravitate towards male clothes because I want to express myself as a guy and most people will see a guy when I wear guys clothes

Plus, Im not nearly far enough in transition to become a cute crossdressing femboy

#my2cents