About twenty years ago I stopped thinking about myself as being female. I did not know that is what I was feeling at the time,
what it was, what it meant. I never thought to myself, "I'm a girl". It was the way I looked at things, it was how I treated
others, it was how I felt about my body, it was the way my brain worked. I was on my own, no internet, no books, no doctors,
no one like me to talk to. I summed it up as just part of growing up. I thought every boy had wild emotions, hated body hair,
hated his masculine body and face and longed to grow boobies. I assumed every young boy went through a stage
like that and I just put it away.
About ten years ago I realized that what I was felt as a child and as an early teen was different than
"the norm" and it was getting harder to keep it inside. About five years ago I realized what it might be. About a year ago
I accepted it somewhat and chose not to do anything. But the feelings got stronger and when I registered here about a
month ago I was still unsure, maybe still in denial but desperately looking for answers.
Over the past month I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of searching, a lot of reading and a lot of introspection.
I've had a lot of sadness, a lot of happiness and I've remembered things that I I had pushed way down since my childhood.
I've realized things about myself, my personality and my life that I had never thought about. I realized I've not played the
part of being "a man" very well. I thought I did at the time and up until last month really believed that. But now
I see just how "female" I am and it feels so good.
It feels good because I realized this is not a big change from out of nowhere, Amanda has been in there, guiding me
all these years. My brain is female and always has been. I feel an enormous pull to let myself be me and at the
same time a feeling of freedom that is euphoric. I guess my name says it all, I'm no longer maybe_amanda since I now
feel that I've always been Amanda.
This forum helped me realize that even later in life it's not too late or even un-common to be
coming to terms with GID. I've taken some baby steps to move forward and I think the last part
of my life will be so much better for it.
I'm sure I've said some stupid things and I'm sure I hurt some feelings. I'm so sorry if I did.
I sincerely thank everybody for their direct input to my very stupid questions. I'll try
to do better. I'm so looking forward to being here and sharing the process.
While I'm still not sure where I go from here, I do know that I've not been happier about my future.
(Always) Amanda
