Ive not posted here before, but here goes :/ ***big sigh*** ...dysphoria

[EyesOpen]

maybe Im trying to be "genderfluid" because I am afraid to dive in the big pool.... yes, Im betting that is the real issue. I do have a good therapist and I see her every friday... so lately fridays have been stellar for me. Im getting used to the fact that I just have to slow down, not rush, not make judgements about me quickly and harshly and just stay on the ride. Its those days when I have a deep struggle that I start questioning everything and make posts about it. Today is fantastic and I feel so "right" at the moment. Im still struggling with the opinions of others, not what they say... but what I think they think... yeah, I know.... nuts, but still true. And I dont want to be a "man in a dress" .... there are very few trans people around here and all I keep seeing in my part of the world are "men in dresses".... Id rather be a secret trans than be that. I just have to wait for all this to come together, when Im ready I am ready.... and thanks for your comments/compliments, it really means alot. 

I also have struggle with the people around me... I do not have a support system, I only have people who know me and "see" me as a dude, the old me.... people just sort of ignore the fact that I am changing right before their eyes and I dont want to force it on them either.... so I just wallow around secretly just hoping someone will say "Hey... Ive been noticing....."

Wow, I swear you pulled the words right from my brain. This sounds exactly like what I've been going through. Know you're not alone with these struggles.

It's confusing, I'm constantly second-guessing myself, and the shifts back and forth between 'good' and 'bad' days are frustrating, but I find that on the good days I'm so happy that it makes the bad days worth it. So I keep going.

A support system helps a lot. Have you looked for support groups in your area? Your therapist might be able to help you find one. Are there any queer-friendly, trustworthy friends/relatives you could come out to? I've only told a few carefully chosen people so far, and no one has had any problems with it, despite what my brain was screaming at me beforehand It seems that most queer-friendly folks immediately offer support and compassion, and are more understanding than I thought they'd be.

Yesterday was terrific as was the few previous days.... then I have a day like today, I just feel hideous, I look like a man, feel like a man, my balls pop out of like nowhere to remind me and I just want to scream. These days are the reason I fail to fully commit....

I hate that. My face was too raw to shave yesterday, and every mirror I saw just turned my stomach :/ Hope you get back to the good days soon.

[abd789]

HRT has relieved my dysphoria to the point that it is nearly eliminated.  Since I am not socially transitioned it would be easy to misunderstand that and think that maybe I'm not trans at all but rather gender fluid or non binary or something else. 

I find it useful to think back over the past decades on how I felt then.  I recently wrote a 6000 word gender autobiography for my therapist so I spent some time digging up every pertinent memory back as far as I could which was Nov 25th, 1963.  Rethinking all that it's pretty obvious to me that I'm trans and not something else at all.  Maybe in some ways I'm different than many other trans women but that's ok.  I am me and I'm tired of trying to conform to some external expectations of gender no matter what the presentation.  So I am usually somewhere in between.  The one thing I do know for certain is that I cannot stop HRT and return to that state of the walking dead.  That was one major conclusion in my autobiography.

As far as the mirror goes, I haven't seen male there now for months.  I may not be a beauty queen but looking around in real life I'm not doing bad at all compared to anyone else my age.  So I don't feel bad about that.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

Thats a good idea to write something like that.... maybe I should get started.

I will say this, in your pics I have seen you turn more feminine, moreso in the last few months. You look awesome, great job!

[abd789]

Wow, I swear you pulled the words right from my brain. This sounds exactly like what I've been going through. Know you're not alone with these struggles.

It's confusing, I'm constantly second-guessing myself, and the shifts back and forth between 'good' and 'bad' days are frustrating, but I find that on the good days I'm so happy that it makes the bad days worth it. So I keep going.

A support system helps a lot. Have you looked for support groups in your area? Your therapist might be able to help you find one. Are there any queer-friendly, trustworthy friends/relatives you could come out to? I've only told a few carefully chosen people so far, and no one has had any problems with it, despite what my brain was screaming at me beforehand It seems that most queer-friendly folks immediately offer support and compassion, and are more understanding than I thought they'd be.

I hate that. My face was too raw to shave yesterday, and every mirror I saw just turned my stomach :/ Hope you get back to the good days soon.

I have told several of my wifes family members and they accept me and I am free to look as I please around them... but I always hold back and dont present as far as I would like to, thats my fault... but I kinda wish they would "pull it out of me" so to speak... again, my fault. I just feel like if people would talk more about it with me, or challenge me to wear or look different maybe I would do it more often. I still get that sorta "cold", "lets just not talk about it" feeling around everyone...and I mean the people I told and thought were accepting. Maybe thats just my own brain misinterpreting complete acceptance. I just feel the social anxiety I used to feel is just back in a different way, maybe worse.
On a different note, my boobs are growing like weeds and they are making me nervous... they may out me to the world before I am fully ready ....guess I better get ready, huh?

[JoanneB]

You are far from alone with the "Wanting to pull it out of you" desires. How to balance competing forces of not overwhelming others, to jumping back into your hole, being "In their face", sensitive to their sensibilities, giving them time, space, etc.. Just how far can you "push" things without alienating others?

Then add into the mix people you know who are reluctantly accepting, or accepting though you know this is hurting them. The situation between my wife and I. About the only guilt about being trans I still bare. I am hurting her. Far less today then 7 years ago when I dropped the T-Bomb. Far far less today then 10 years ago when I was a ..... Yet hurting her at a time when she needs to see hope in a future life. Needs to know she has a partner to support her while we hopefully obtain the medical care she needs to have a life again. It's a very difficult balancing act. Sometimes it's the 800 lb gorilla in the room. It takes time.

Speaking of "time", or the weeds.... I've always been a baggy clothes sort of guy having been a former fatty and still a poor body image person, especially in male mode. I also have about a B cup, it depends on the bra. For the most part the girls are undetectable in my normal attire unless you are looking for hints. And this is while wearing the now appreciate to wear and appreciated to take off at the end of the day bra

YMMV

[abd789]

You are far from alone with the "Wanting to pull it out of you" desires. How to balance competing forces of not overwhelming others, to jumping back into your hole, being "In their face", sensitive to their sensibilities, giving them time, space, etc.. Just how far can you "push" things without alienating others?

Then add into the mix people you know who are reluctantly accepting, or accepting though you know this is hurting them. The situation between my wife and I. About the only guilt about being trans I still bare. I am hurting her. Far less today then 7 years ago when I dropped the T-Bomb. Far far less today then 10 years ago when I was a ..... Yet hurting her at a time when she needs to see hope in a future life. Needs to know she has a partner to support her while we hopefully obtain the medical care she needs to have a life again. It's a very difficult balancing act. Sometimes it's the 800 lb gorilla in the room. It takes time.

Speaking of "time", or the weeds.... I've always been a baggy clothes sort of guy having been a former fatty and still a poor body image person, especially in male mode. I also have about a B cup, it depends on the bra. For the most part the girls are undetectable in my normal attire unless you are looking for hints. And this is while wearing the now appreciate to wear and appreciated to take off at the end of the day bra

YMMV

Thank you!

I couldnt imagine if my wife were against it.... Id probably not have taken the steps...