Ive not posted here before, but here goes :/ ***big sigh*** ...dysphoria

[abd789]

Im not sure what I am, am I trans, am I male, am I female, am I both?

I started off thinking I was a crossdresser, which turned into being transgender MTF, then I told a bunch of people and then I thought I was genderfluid which seemed to fit better. I started HRT which was a blessing, Im now 7-8 months into it and in my eyes I look more manly than I did before, ever..... I cant imagine that is the reality... but its sure how I feel when I look into the mirror.... Is this a common reaction to HRT, does the mind and body fight it? I thought things would get easier, but it really seems they are harder than ever. No I am not "presenting" day to day in outside world.... I dont know if its me thats not ready or the world is not ready for me....

[JoanneB]

For me low dose HRT was my go to remedy for the GD when it got to be too overwhelming. I went On/Off it a few times over the decades. This last time starting HRT low dose soon went to full. The emotional relief became great emotional relief. Which at times led to many a "WTF am I doing " meltdowns. So I can see after 7 months or so you feeling so much better about being "You", likely feeling better to live in your own skin and then..... Reality fish slapping you right into the canal. All this is becoming WAY too real. What am I doing? This makes no sense! Just look at all these (fill in the blank) things wrong with me and why I need to stop the silliness.

For me the meltdowns might last hours, sometimes to weeks. Sometimes leading to stopping the HRT. Always ending with Reality fish smacking into the canal when I realized just how miserable I made myself.

Yes, this is all very scary. I try to think in terms of doing what I need to to "Manage" my unique color of GD for where I am on the Trans-Spectrum... Today. What ultimately counts is feeling better about being me. Feeling Joy.

Another way of questioning is using my one simple question that answers all questions:
"Which Pain is Worse?"

Oh yeah.... keep in mind answers that allow Do-Overs are the only ones allowed. As long as you're still alive and breathing, you are allowed to change your mind

[Dena]

There is one thread were a gender fluid member started HRT and the switching stopped and stabilized with a single gender identity. Unfortunately it appears there are a fair number of gender fluid people but the medical community has limited knowledge of their existence or how to treat them.

People who are not gender fluid sometimes find that HRT can reduce the dysphoria sufficiently that they think they are cured and stop HRT. This results in a return of the dysphoria and the desire to resume HRT.

I would suggest you work with a gender therapist on this and it's even more important if you are considering discontinuing HRT. If you discontinue HRT for the wrong reason, it will  only result in more discomfort than you should experience.

[abd789]

Thank you so much for the replies!

Today I had a bit of an epiphany....

I keep viewing myself as a man trying to be a woman... and that has me struggling. What if I just said "I am a woman" now dress and be accordingly! That might make things a bit easier on me. Maybe this is what we all go through.... but I keep struggling and just want to find a way through it

[Sephirah]

Thank you so much for the replies!

Today I had a bit of an epiphany....

I keep viewing myself as a man trying to be a woman... and that has me struggling. What if I just said "I am a woman" now dress and be accordingly! That might make things a bit easier on me. Maybe this is what we all go through.... but I keep struggling and just want to find a way through it

As Dena said, working with someone who can help you talk through things, in a more professional capacity is never a bad idea. And may help you to make sense of things in your own head, and decide what choices are best for you.

I do, however, have one question, if that's okay. Regarding how you view yourself. What if you do say "I am a woman." How does that make you feel when you say that? When you run that sentence around in your mind, what emotions does it evoke?

[RedfootDaddy]

Im not sure what I am, am I trans, am I male, am I female, am I both?

I was just having this discussion with my wife, that a big part of my discomfort is that I really just don't know. I deal with dysphoria almost every day, but even when I do I doubt it a lot of the time. Is this actually dysphoria? Do I just feel like I should have dysphoria?

For me, it happens when I can't look myself in the eye in the mirror, and when that one guy at work walks by my department and says "Good day, ladies". But some days it doesn't really bother me, and some days I'm almost in tears from it.

But yes. Dysphoria. I feel like something's wrong . . . but I don't know what right is supposed to be.

[Dena]

I was just having this discussion with my wife, that a big part of my discomfort is that I really just don't know. I deal with dysphoria almost every day, but even when I do I doubt it a lot of the time. Is this actually dysphoria? Do I just feel like I should have dysphoria?

For me, it happens when I can't look myself in the eye in the mirror, and when that one guy at work walks by my department and says "Good day, ladies". But some days it doesn't really bother me, and some days I'm almost in tears from it.

But yes. Dysphoria. I feel like something's wrong . . . but I don't know what right is supposed to be.

Possible you are gender fluid or bi gender. It's also possible that the dysphoria come and goes with time. The best way to explore this would be to try masculine clothing and see how that make your feel. As your wife appears to be very helpful, ask her to try addressing you as masculine and see how that feels. If you find at times you are uncomfortable in the male role, your answer may be some where in-between. You might want to look at our WIKI and see if something there matches what you feel.

[luna nyan]

HRT often reduces dysphoria, I've been on it for the last 4 years and feel I'm in a better place mentally.   I haven't socially transitioned, so there still is mental ping pong going on in my head.

On the other hand, I'm mentally well enough to cope without transitioning for the time being, but it is still a distraction in my life.  My HRT thread goes through my thought process, it's been an interesting medium term ride.

I'm on pellet HRT - so it means I have to think carefully about where I am at each time I see my endo and I've chosen to keep my dosages steady for the last 2 years.

[Tessa James]

Oh Rita, that looking in the mirror thing can be so deadly.  A lot of us couldn't really see ourselves at all when we looked in the mirror.  Before transition I felt only my eyes were my own.  We struggle with a reflection that does not represent who we really are.  I felt feminine most of my life but that part of myself existed too long as only a shadow and an image hidden in my mind.  I hated seeing any vestige of my father in that damn mirror.

Our culture, minds and memories can fool us into thinking that our appearance is all that matters and we may not get to that stereotype of being movie star beautiful.  I try and remember that people come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and gender identities with great capacity for loving one another.   

Sometimes the struggle is to find the core of our being and recognizing what is uniquely ourself with no special label required. 

[RedfootDaddy]

Possible you are gender fluid or bi gender. It's also possible that the dysphoria come and goes with time. The best way to explore this would be to try masculine clothing and see how that make your feel. As your wife appears to be very helpful, ask her to try addressing you as masculine and see how that feels. If you find at times you are uncomfortable in the male role, your answer may be some where in-between. You might want to look at our WIKI and see if something there matches what you feel.

I actually already present very masculine. For a long time I would list my gender as 'butch', despite being told by members of that community that I wasn't butch enough to be butch (because I worse a wedding dress to my own wedding - the scandal!!). Polos and khakis to work, buzzcut, boxers, the whole male nine. And (here comes the part where I sounds like a crazy cat lady) my animals call me their daddy (shut up I know that sounds like a crazy cat lady thing to say). My wife was the first to start that, and also the first to start using they/them pronouns to refer to me with our online group of friends. I'm starting to think my wife is a little faster on the uptake than I am when it comes to my own gender identity . . .

Sometimes I think about wearing a skirt or a dress. Then I get all up in my head about how that would be going backwards instead of forwards, etc. But I think I'm swinging back to the middle. I used to get super-dysphoric when people would address me by my given name, which is quite feminine, rather than my chosen name, which is very neutral. My parents try their best to use my chosen name, but they do slip up, but it doesn't bother me any more. Except when it does.

*Ancient Aliens hands* Gender.

[EyesOpen]

I deal with dysphoria almost every day, but even when I do I doubt it a lot of the time. Is this actually dysphoria?

I know that feel. For me, it's like there's a part of my brain that wants to just shut down the whole line of thought before I have a chance to take it seriously. The amount of shame/guilt/fear/embarrassment/etc that rises up alongside anything 'girly' when you're AMAB is unreal, thanks to cultural attitudes about men who aren't 'manly'. It didn't take many childhood beatings from my peers for being a "f*****" to leave me terrified of my own personality. Some days the fear wins and I feel like I should just keep on living this miserable shell of a life that I barely exist in and stop thinking about my gender at all.

I hated seeing any vestige of my father in that damn mirror.

I had a moment like that this last weekend. I've only recently started to let myself think that transition of any kind was even remotely possible for me -- so recently that my intake appointment with a therapist is still a couple weeks off. I'm in a place where I'm experimenting with my appearance, and actually seeing a person in the mirror instead of some lifeless miserable ... thing. Now, I've had a full beard for over 5 years, and haven't seen my chin in over 10 (always wore a goatee at minimum), but I decided that I was going to shave it all off last weekend. I've have long hair for years, so I figured without the beard I might look more feminine, maybe even feminine enough to feel transition might be possible someday.

I didn't look more feminine. I looked in the mirror afterward and saw my father's short chin and my father's stubbly face and my father's eyes behind my father's glasses. That was the hardest dysphoria has ever hit me. Don't get me wrong, I'm on good terms with my dad, but seeing his face looking back instead of an even slightly more feminine me had me in a moderate depression for the rest of the day.

Our culture, minds and memories can fool us into thinking that our appearance is all that matters and we may not get to that stereotype of being movie star beautiful.  I try and remember that people come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, and gender identities with great capacity for loving one another.

Just beautifully said. I need that reminder from time to time. I don't have to fit any sort of ideal to be in a good place with myself. I just have to be at a point where I can let myself be me comfortably.

Sometimes the struggle is to find the core of our being and recognizing what is uniquely ourself with no special label required.

I agree. I've always hated how labels are sometimes used to rigidly prescribe behavior. I find them useful for general classification of common combinations of traits (genderfluid vs TS vs CD, etc), but I don't get hung up on them. Right now I'm going with genderfluid, and I've always liked that one because it fits me. But if my feelings change or my understanding of my identity is refined due to an ever-evolving mental grasp of the forces at play here, I'll happily change my label. It doesn't define me, it just lets me express a general impression of my identity succinctly -- nothing more. Some days it feels like none of the labels fit, and that's ok too. It just means I'm sort of on my own path at the moment, which is just as valid as any other.

I actually already present very masculine. For a long time I would list my gender as 'butch', despite being told by members of that community that I wasn't butch enough to be butch (because I worse a wedding dress to my own wedding - the scandal!!).

Yikes. It's always amazed me how people can overcome the hardships of opening up about being LGBT but still be so narrow-minded and judgmental. I always imagined greater tolerance and acceptance would be found in the repressed communities. Going back to labels, it's ridiculous to expect people to fit 100% into some definition with 0 variance .

[JoanneB]

...I do, however, have one question, if that's okay. Regarding how you view yourself. What if you do say "I am a woman." How does that make you feel when you say that? When you run that sentence around in your mind, what emotions does it evoke?

Scares/scared/Still Scares me right down to my soul every/most/now often when I do. While .... Feels So Right YET SO WRONG. Totally foreign concept, enlivens/invigorates/ Gives me JOY. Like WTF??? Me? Joy? I don't deserve that.

When faced with a conundrum like this I always ask myself; "Which Pain is worse?"

I'd rather be DED, dead then think of myself as a "Guy".  I spent decades trying to be that.

I found JOY in being ME

[aislingofD]

I hope I'm not stepping out of line here, I just wanted to step in and offer love to everyone posting here. You are all beautiful and brave and I'm proud of you. I know it doesn't mean much coming from a stranger, but I mean it. Dysphoria can be such a gut-punch. Ignore the mirror and become the you that makes you happy. That's all that maters.

(if I'm out of line, please let me know, I will happily delete this <3)

[SiobhánF]

I keep viewing myself as a man trying to be a woman...

I tend to think of myself as a woman trying to present as a woman at the significant disadvantage of starting with a male body.

[abd789]

I tend to think of myself as a woman trying to present as a woman at the significant disadvantage of starting with a male body.

Yes! Lately I have been saying "removing the man from me" rather than "turning myself into a woman"

[Eva Marie]

Im not sure what I am, am I trans, am I male, am I female, am I both?

I started off thinking I was a crossdresser, which turned into being transgender MTF, then I told a bunch of people and then I thought I was genderfluid which seemed to fit better. I started HRT which was a blessing, Im now 7-8 months into it and in my eyes I look more manly than I did before, ever..... I cant imagine that is the reality... but its sure how I feel when I look into the mirror.... Is this a common reaction to HRT, does the mind and body fight it? I thought things would get easier, but it really seems they are harder than ever. No I am not "presenting" day to day in outside world.... I dont know if its me thats not ready or the world is not ready for me....

Hi Rita-

We see our old selves long after others see a different person - it is because we are used to seeing the old face and our brains lie to us about any changes that may be happening. I continued to see my old face in the mirror for the best part of 18 months after I started a transitioning dose of HRT even though I knew full well that changes were happening and then one day I saw my authentic face and was shocked! I kind of went back and forth for awhile seeing two different faces but now all I see is my authentic face. I look back at old pictures of me and think "Who the heck was that?!?!". As Gotye said it was "Somebody That I Used to Know".

BTW - I see the changes in your face very clearly, and you look very feminine to me. My .02

Lets switch gears. Clearly HRT has made big improvements in your life - i've watched you change and grow since you got on the E ticket ride and you seem *much* happier now from my end of the internet - I encouraged you down the HRT path only because I saw the positive changes that happened for you, but I also respect that our paths are different and that you seem to be more on the genderfluid/bigender/androgyne spectrum (or something else) - and thats cool.

So now you are wrestling with where you are headed and what your destination is - you know that only you can answer that, right?

Perhaps some more time spent with a therapist probing this issue would yield some insight?

There is no rush in any of this and it's perfectly OK to stay put in one spot for awhile if you want to - take your time, figure out whats right for you, and make decisions that work for you.

~Eva

[SiobhánF]

Yes! Lately I have been saying "removing the man from me" rather than "turning myself into a woman"

Thank you for that last part. I find myself at odds with my wife (internally) when she says that I'm "going to be a woman," when I should correct her and say that I'm going to be myself and shed my male exterior. My experience in the "male world" will be a tool in my tool belt of life that will grant me the insight I might need in future encounters. I'm going to be able to relate to so many more people and I think it's awesome. Keep your chin up, sis. You've got this! 

[abd789]

Hi Rita-

We see our old selves long after others see a different person - it is because we are used to seeing the old face and our brains lie to us about any changes that may be happening. I continued to see my old face in the mirror for the best part of 18 months after I started a transitioning dose of HRT even though I knew full well that changes were happening and then one day I saw my authentic face and was shocked! I kind of went back and forth for awhile seeing two different faces but now all I see is my authentic face. I look back at old pictures of me and think "Who the heck was that?!?!". As Gotye said it was "Somebody That I Used to Know".

BTW - I see the changes in your face very clearly, and you look very feminine to me. My .02

Lets switch gears. Clearly HRT has made big improvements in your life - i've watched you change and grow since you got on the E ticket ride and you seem *much* happier now from my end of the internet - I encouraged you down the HRT path only because I saw the positive changes that happened for you, but I also respect that our paths are different and that you seem to be more on the genderfluid/bigender/androgyne spectrum (or something else) - and thats cool.

So now you are wrestling with where you are headed and what your destination is - you know that only you can answer that, right?

Perhaps some more time spent with a therapist probing this issue would yield some insight?

There is no rush in any of this and it's perfectly OK to stay put in one spot for awhile if you want to - take your time, figure out whats right for you, and make decisions that work for you.

~Eva

Thank you Sweetpea
I know you are fully aware of the struggles we have and maybe Im trying to be "genderfluid" because I am afraid to dive in the big pool.... yes, Im betting that is the real issue. I do have a good therapist and I see her every friday... so lately fridays have been stellar for me. Im getting used to the fact that I just have to slow down, not rush, not make judgements about me quickly and harshly and just stay on the ride. Its those days when I have a deep struggle that I start questioning everything and make posts about it. Today is fantastic and I feel so "right" at the moment. Im still struggling with the opinions of others, not what they say... but what I think they think... yeah, I know.... nuts, but still true. And I dont want to be a "man in a dress" .... there are very few trans people around here and all I keep seeing in my part of the world are "men in dresses".... Id rather be a secret trans than be that. I just have to wait for all this to come together, when Im ready I am ready.... and thanks for your comments/compliments, it really means alot. 

I also have struggle with the people around me... I do not have a support system, I only have people who know me and "see" me as a dude, the old me.... people just sort of ignore the fact that I am changing right before their eyes and I dont want to force it on them either.... so I just wallow around secretly just hoping someone will say "Hey... Ive been noticing....."

[abd789]

Thank you to everyone who has replied

Yesterday was terrific as was the few previous days.... then I have a day like today, I just feel hideous, I look like a man, feel like a man, my balls pop out of like nowhere to remind me and I just want to scream. These days are the reason I fail to fully commit....

[Deborah]

HRT has relieved my dysphoria to the point that it is nearly eliminated.  Since I am not socially transitioned it would be easy to misunderstand that and think that maybe I'm not trans at all but rather gender fluid or non binary or something else. 

I find it useful to think back over the past decades on how I felt then.  I recently wrote a 6000 word gender autobiography for my therapist so I spent some time digging up every pertinent memory back as far as I could which was Nov 25th, 1963.  Rethinking all that it's pretty obvious to me that I'm trans and not something else at all.  Maybe in some ways I'm different than many other trans women but that's ok.  I am me and I'm tired of trying to conform to some external expectations of gender no matter what the presentation.  So I am usually somewhere in between.  The one thing I do know for certain is that I cannot stop HRT and return to that state of the walking dead.  That was one major conclusion in my autobiography.

As far as the mirror goes, I haven't seen male there now for months.  I may not be a beauty queen but looking around in real life I'm not doing bad at all compared to anyone else my age.  So I don't feel bad about that.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves