(Need advice) I really dont know what I am

[Z]

 ???I'm Ftm and i want to be male and all but a part of me just doesnt. A part of me seems to feel afraid of actually being full on male or something and wants to just stay Ftm. Of course i still want to be a regular cis male but a part of me just feels a kinda strong rejection or something almost. And i feel all this dysphoria but a part of me just feels and wants to be ok. I think i might not be trans but idk? I know that a part of me never really wanted to be Ftm tho. At first i was Bi gender and didnt want to be Ftm. Then i didnt totally want surgical procedures. Then i didnt want a totaly medical transition. Then i didnt want a permanent run on t (although this was also due to how i was cautious of the not so good side effects). Then i didnt want a phallo, but i did want a free up (bottom surgery but uses clit to make micro dick and all. Its a little more advanced i think?) But now, i just feel im not trans and im ok. Im not and wasnt, but a part of me really is... i mean, ive pretty much wanted to be a cis guy the whole time, and when i was earlier on in this, not even really thinking i was trans, i actually kinda wanted the whole package. (All the way up to phallo) but ot seems a part of me just doesnt. Idk what to do or what i am. Its driving me kinda nuts and idk if i can really take it so well any more. Is this normal?

[Dena]

Normal for what? It would not be normal for the binary but for the non binary it's a common feeling. The treatment for the non binary isn't that different from the binary in that first you need to determine where you are most comfortable. Possibly you are more male than female or possibly more female than male. Often people who feel this way can give percentages of their male or female nature. Unfortunately the non binary isn't as well understood as the binary so there isn't a ton of information available but a good gender therapist might be able to help you sort this out.

[Elis]

It's very common once you realise you're trans to think to yourself 'I only want to be referred to as male', then changing your mind to wanting T as well, then changing your mind to want top surgery then bottom surgery.

This was my experience as initially I thought I was genderqueer then changed my mind to ftm and decided on T and top surgery a while later. Now I'm on T I've realised ftm never fitted me and I'm more of a demiguy (someone who feels mostly male as well as another nb identity). For me I feel mostly male but also agender. I like the idea of having bottom surgery to feel more 'complete' and to blend in as a cis guy (although I know even with all the surgeries I'll still be trans as thats my medical history) but I think that's due to how society perceives me as deciding not to have bottom surgery than what I actually want. Btw, never heard it called a free up; it's called a metaoidioplasty or metaplasty for short. In a way it's more advanced bcos you're guranteed full sensation and can become erect without need of a device implanted. Although phalloplasty is still a very good option. You can have very good sensation same as a cis guy, as well as an option to have a urethra lengthening procedure to pee through it. And a device implanted to become erect.

You can still be a trans man and only want some medical procedures or HRT. Doesn't make you less of a real trans man or simply a man.  I think many of us become overwhelmed and feel forced into aspects of medical transitioning when we should stand back; take our time to think what would make ME feel comfortable not what would make OTHERS more comfortable. As for T it's a compromise same for cis men. If the dysphoria is too much because of being misgendered unfortunately T is the only gurantee of that not happening. I don't like some aspects of hormones but realised I had to take it because I hated how female my body looked and hated the resulting dysphoria. I don't know if I want HRT for the rest of my life but for now it's necessa

And yes you definitely sound trans to me as cis people don't put this much thought into transitioning or thinking is my assigned gender actually my real gender.