Does it all have a point?

[Terra]

I hate myself. I can probably safely say that the only thing or person I truly hate wold be the person who looks back at me in a mirror. Guy or girl I hate it, its not me, and I want nothing more then to smash it and cry. I'm not a guy, not a woman, nothing but something that no one will want. I may be tolerated, I may be allowed to walk around, but will anyone ever love me? Doubt it, who would want me when there are plenty of normal people to choose from?

I honestly am starting to question my own sanity. I see...things. I'm not sure if they are hallucinations or something else, they feel real, but they aren't. I don't know how to describe it. I got this voice in my head, and neither of us are sure of what he/she/it is. But it has its own thoughts and insights, best I can figure is a split personality, but one that never takes control. Also I walk down the street, and feel like I should be able to do things I know I can't do. Things like jumping a single story, or running faster then I can. I've always been having these things, ever since a kid, but its really starting to scare me of late. I still feel wrong, like the TS was only part of the answer. I feel like i'm missing a vital clue or memory, but I can't figure it out. All I know is that my life still feels wrong, where I am is wrong, just being on this planet...wrong.

Top it off with school, I doubt I can pass. I missed alot of class due to depression, especially history. I have a test this wendsday and I'm missing half my notes. IF I can even get a D it would be a major miracle. 4 classes, and I doubt I can pass them. It was probably stupid of me to even think I could.

Why has God made me like this? I once felt that God doesn't ever give you more then he knows you can handle. But I can't handle this all anymore. I think of suicide at least once a day. Heaven help me if I actually try, because I will succeed should I ever try. This world doesn't give a >-bleeped-< about me and i'm so tired of giving a >-bleeped-< about it. A guy tried to pick a fight just yesterday with me and I looked him straight in the eye and asked him if he ever fought a corpse before? He backed down, but...

I don't know what to do or say anymore. I hate myself and want nothing more then to take myself out of the game. But God and my damn consciouses won't let me. I can't hurt people, not consciously, and I know it would hurt so many; and God is probably where this stubborn spark ow 'will to live' is coming from. I hate him and love him all the more for it.

I'm not one of the lucky ones, I don't think i'll ever be able to finish transition or life. I don't belong here on this world, I know it somewhere deep in my heart. I have to leave, one way or the other. But I can't, and the two ropes holding me back are to think and strong for me to break yet. I'll talk to my therapist, but I feel she will just lock me up. I've been in a psych ward before for only 3 days and it was almost worse then anything I've ever been through. I don't think I'm insane yet, but I don't know. I just know i'm...broken.

I don't know what I want from posting this. It felt good to expel some of it. Going to bed now, and don't worry, won't kill myself.

[Lori]

I love ranting. Sometimes it just feels good to get things off your chest with the only group of people on the planet that would ever understand just what the hell you are ranting about.

All you have to do is decide. If you want something you will figure out a way to get it. Nothing is impossible. Blaming god and knowing you can never trannsition is not going to work I can tell you that much.

Try another angle and you will feel better.

[Maebh]

Does it all have a point?

You said it. Can anyone answer that question?
Believe me you're not alone, I believe we are all in the same boat or as dear Oscar Wilde once said; "We might be laying in the gutter but some of us are looking up at the stars!" So keep looking at the stars and who knows you might enjoy the view and even decide to reach for them.

Go n-éiri do bhótar leat.
Good luck and enjoy the ride.

Light, Love, Laughter and Respect.

Maebh

[Terra]

I love ranting. Sometimes it just feels good to get things off your chest with the only group of people on the planet that would ever understand just what the hell you are ranting about.

All you have to do is decide. If you want something you will figure out a way to get it. Nothing is impossible. Blaming god and knowing you can never trannsition is not going to work I can tell you that much.

Try another angle and you will feel better.

I don't blame God for making me, only for forcing me to live at gunpoint. That and making me such a caring person, if it weren't for that I might be better off. Or not.

As I said, being TS feels like only one part of the puzzle. I guess the best analogy I have is feeling like Neo in the Matrix. Except that it feels like i'm not where i'm supposed to be or doing what i'm supposed to be doing. Its...like a cog out of place or something.

Gah, I sound crazy, maybe I am. I just know I look and its like I can see something underneath, just there but yet undefinable. Like if you took a picture and then used the negative to take another picture on top. This feeling of wrongness has just been building up over my life and I don't know why. Has anyone else been feeling like this? Please tell me if i'm crazy or not.

[kalt]

When you feel like you're stuck in the middle of your own inner battle you can get really wrapped up in it and feel so small inside yourself that it's impossible to even imagine taking on the world when just your own identity is so daunting.

However things may be now, things always change and you can move on. 

So take a step back and breathe.  Pop some corn and relax and watch the fight.  Haha, yes, the fight between you and you!
You might not know why things are happening.  But you don't know why the earth is round, you don't know why gravity is here, and you don't know why any of us are around either so don't stress out about stuff so much!  Cuz we're ALL clueless!

There's some amazing stuff in your life right now, no matter how bad it gets there are beautiful things happening and one of those beautiful things is your image in the mirror.

Let us know how the fight is going!

[Maebh]

You might not know why things are happening.  But you don't know why the earth is round, you don't know why gravity is here, and you don't know why any of us are around either so don't stress out about stuff so much!  Cuz we're ALL clueless!

That's so right Kalt, so Angel welcome to the club...
If you can't make sense of it  and feel : why not change tack and decide to marvel at the complexity and richness of it all? I think it is what our divine Oscar meant when he talked about "looking up at the stars".
Have you ever been in the middle of the wilderness at night well away from the city or street lights, lying on your back in the grass near a river bank or the beach near ocean looking up at the sky?  Just listening of the sound of the water and gazing back to the million on winking eyes smilling at you? If not you could try it and it might put things in perspective. If you're lucky a couple of bats might even put up an aerial display just for you, dancing and darting to the rythm of the waves or the calls of the frogs.  They don't care if you are TG, or mad or sane or rich or poor or handsome or ugly. THEY ARE THEM and YOU ARE YOU each different, each in your own space but each in that moment sharing the same mystery.
All I know is that for me escaping the man-made urban environement and reconnecting with nature always gives me back the sense of peace and wonderment I need to function properly. Who knows it might work for you too? And I sincerely hope that either it will or that you mght find your own way to nourish and replenish your spirit, be it music, writing, painting, modeling, gardening, sport... whatever. Please don't despair, hang on in there, don't give up and eventually you'll find your way to reconnect with yourself and even learn to cherish the unique, complex, intelligent, caring, loving and (believe it or not) lovable being that you are.

Light, Love, Laughter & Respect

Maebh 

[TheBattler]

I do like what Donna Rose says about this (I was reading last night and will quote her when I get home). Basically she was saying we are a complex living creature and everything is connected. If one part of us fails it will have a flow on effect to other parts of us (she gave the example of a heart stop- if effects every other cell in our body). So this thing is not about gender - it is a small part of a widder picture - some of that picture may be missing.

So step back and think of the bigger picture - what do I want from your life and are you getting closer to that point. Do not bring such a complex issue back to just Gender.

I hope it helps you.

Alice

[tekla]

Perhaps there is no point, no why.  Life just is.  It can be sad, funny, happy, horrible - sometimes all swirling around together.  Good things happen to bad people, bad things happen to good people - you can't figure it out, you just have to stand back and let it all be I think.

I find that focus works for me when all else seems to be spinning out of control.  We might not be able to rule the universe - but we can do the next task right, and sometimes that just has to be enough.

kat