dysphoria or hell?

[stephm]

Merry Christmas guys.I have been transitioning since last March, blockers and estrogen. My physical and mental changes have been amazing. This coming March my Doctor will be booking my SRS. It can't happen fast enough. Lately though the more I feminize the harder it is to live in this body.This feeling is worse than I have ever experienced. I am struggling. Has anyone else experienced this? Thanks for being here.

[Michelle_P]

Um.  I've been 'out' to a few others since March 2016, started HRT just over 6 months ago, started full time just over 2 months ago, and I definitely want SRS.  I've known I was a transsexual for over 30 years and suppressed it.  I'll be getting my letters this spring and getting in the queue for surgery to happen in roughly a year from now.

Yeah, I've only been 'transitioning' since June, and I want SRS already.

Steph, you aren't alone in this damn dysphoria.  I'm doing what I can while I run the clock out.  Makeup, voice, working on my posture and movement.  Getting my legal paperwork done.  There's enough to keep me occupied, more or less.

HRT won't remove brow bossing, or shrink the cartilage of my nose.  It won't reduce my jawline or chin.  HRT isn't magic.  Changes to those areas requires surgery.  Surgery of the sort that is hard to afford and hard to get insurance to cover in the USA.  I'm saving for a nice long vacation overseas.  Should Kaiser Permanente deem me worthy of their largesse, great.  Otherwise, "Hello, PAI.  Yo, Facial Team!"

I don't view this as rushing things.  I view this as my simply trying to reach a point where I can find peace for the last years of my life.  I'd rather not die sitting on a waitlist.

Some may find that I am not Trans enough to be worthy, that I haven't put in my time.  Tough.  They ain't the boss of me.   It's only been my entire life so far.  I want it fixed.


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[Kylo]

I agree it is hard. Waiting waiting and more waiting.

But essentially it is puberty 2.0 and that doesn't happen overnight, in my case supposedly 5 years. I'm impatient because I feel like I waited my whole life, then 2 years just to get processed, and now however long it will take... but on the other hand I just think of it as if I'm starting my life over from now. I'm basically an adolescent again (hell I even still look like one... and frustration is just going to be a part of that) but this time I know what I'm doing and I can observe it all properly and enjoy each part of it without hating it. So just try to enjoy it. You will get there.

[LordKAT]

To answer the original question, My dysphoria got way worse when things started looking up. The more changes, the more it came forward to aggravate me. It does abate again after a while. The only reason I can think of is that it was pushed to the forefront of my brain more and I was consciously thinking of wanting to live and wanting to look my best when before I tried to numb everything down and not feel anything.   You are not alone. The waiting is hard but you will get there.

[LizK]

Merry Christmas guys.I have been transitioning since last March, blockers and estrogen. My physical and mental changes have been amazing. This coming March my Doctor will be booking my SRS. It can't happen fast enough. Lately though the more I feminize the harder it is to live in this body.This feeling is worse than I have ever experienced. I am struggling. Has anyone else experienced this? Thanks for being here.

I can relate to what you are saying I made a post about 2 months ago asking pretty much the same as you. For me I have found that the more I accept myself as a woman the absurdity of living as a male becomes harder and harder to deal with. I am struggling to try an describe it but its like my Dysphoria has got worse in some areas and less in others...I am not fulltime yet I would guess I am about 50% while I wait for swelling from facial surgery to subside which also gives me a bit of time to organise some ID. I won't go fulltime until I have at least one supporting piece of ID like a passport of drivers license in my name of Liz. This will take about 3 months to organise because I am not a citizen of the country I live in.

It feels odd doesn't it...not quite what I expected...I had originally thought I may be able to just stay on HRT and do nothing else...I was a bit naïve Oh well We live and we learn don't we...good luck with your surgery

Hugs
Liz

[DuchessBianca]

Hello again ElizabethK! Your like my twin sister considering how you only started HRT only 4 days before me and most of your experiences/feminization results etc... seem to mimic mines in lots of ways! Haha

Back to the topic I'll cosign what the op and Michelle having been on hormones for slightly over 7 months it certainly is getting harder each day to pretend to be male/dress male and the dysphoria for certain parts has certainly increased. As for SRS I'm in a similar situation as about a week or so ago I was put on the waitlist for SRS where my health insurance covers and since they are booked up until July 2017 I was told the real possibility of having it done in the second half of 2017. I'm super excited and of course the wait feels like forever for me too. I may not have seen a whole lot of facial minimization yet at 7 months then I had hoped but how much I've feminized is meaningless when it comes to SRS as my dysphoria over a certain area won't ever go away without it and everything else is immaterial.

[FTMax]

My dysphoria got progressively worse as my transition moved forward. I started having consultations for SRS as soon as I was able to.