Venting : How do you deal with loneliness?

[archlord]

How am i supposed to deal with the fact that half  friends  i had removed me from facebook following when i came out 15 month ago  and that others were just to "respectful" to delete me for this reason but dont care about me.  There are a few girls that said they would help me when i came out but they ARENT HERE at all..  Ive been begging that im forever alone in facebook but none are inviting me...    I have 0 friend and im not able to make new one other then trans escorts....... i hate being trans so much... its not getting better even post everything

People tells me to go out but why would i.... everytime i go out i have some random mens that just want to sleep with me paying me drinks.. I want friends not a bf....  I cant go out and be like . HEYYY do you want to be my friend!? 

...

[Cheyanne]

I have been feeling that way myself and have a desperate need to find friends that are excepting. My current solution is to go to the lgbt center for transgender gatherings and to seek out the LGBT group on my school campus. Other than that you could go out and join group activities. There are plenty out there.

Just an example, running groups are full of positive people. Rec centers are a good source of information regarding indoor/outdoor activities that groups of people get together for social purposes. All you have to do is get out there and talk to people.

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[archlord]

The thing is i am post op and fully passing.  I dont want to be seen with exclusively trans people.....

[big kim]

Go to somewhere you find interesting. I like museums, art galleries, historic houses so I joined the national trust (I'm in the UK). I also rediscovered motorcycling & joined the Harley Owners Group though it wasn't for me but I go to bike meets & shows. Met lots of interesting people there

[Harley Quinn]

I am sure that things will look up. The bar scenes are a tough place to meet anyone. I would suggest a change of venue. Instead of the club scene, perhaps there are clubs that interest you. I hang out with MCs, brew clubs, and car shows. After meeting with people in those atmospheres I have made a few friends and their friends... it cascades from there. Mostly daytime events. A few acquaintances work at the gay bar, and through them I was introduced to the local women's football team. Who are active in several of the local MCs. Even wine tasting tours are a great place to meet people. It all starts with a friendly conversation and some are eager to meet new and interesting people.

[Kristinagl]

This is something me and a friend where talking about the other day. Removing the douche bag men that only want a "happy ending" ppl are so immersed with there own lives they never seem to look for new friendships as we did when we where kids. It also doesn't help we all live this wonderful 5days a week work grind. But I agree with Cheyenne you have to get out there maybe not a LGBT club but a grp of ppl that have a common interest. There is tons of groups out there and most ppl join these groups  to meet and engage in new possible friendships.

[DawnOday ✅]

So you don't consider yourself a trailblazer? If I were your age I would kill to be in your situation. Young, gorgeous and that alone gives you a platform to get to normalcy. The problem lies in that nightclubs and bars are not really the place to find serious people. They are usually there for one reason and one reason only. I know when I was your age that's why I went. Along with getting totally plastered. Luckily I came to the realization that what I was pursuing was a false sense of belonging. There are many places to make friends. In the grocery store, at the movies, going for coffee and a Tom Hortons donut. At a bar you and all females are seen as fresh meat. And since you pass so well these are the people you will attract. You are better than that, You are stronger than that. I met a group of trans people last week. My first experience with people just like me. It was an eye opener as everyone there was so normal except for this one little thing, we are trans. Be proud of that. You buck the system and choose to live as your authentic self. You've worked hard and spent a lot of money.

I don't know what your education situation is, but I would suggest spending a little time and money to get one. Even a two year technical one. Going to school will put you in contact with the so called "normal" people and will give you an opportunity for life long friends of all genders and subsets. Without the competition and alcohol induced stupidity. And for the most part they will be accepting of you because of who you are not what you wear or the pills you take. I see you as inspiration even though I am 65 years old. You have the opportunity to help people understand what life is like for you, and others. That's the thing about passing, it is an easy out. Oh I pass so I can forget all the people who can't pass.
As to friends, you have many many right here. There are also many in your own neighborhood, if you seek them out. When I was young, I wanted to be just like you. Pretty as my sister. But we did not have the opportunities you do, so we lived in the packages we came in. If people like Caroline Cossey had not taken the chances she did to live as her authentic self. Most of us would still be in the shadows unaware of the possibilities.

I'm going to relate your situation, to a couple of my best friends Ronnie and Larron. Who are both black. We don't like them because of the color of their skin. We love them because they are people just like us afflicted (probably the wrong term) with a variation many believe make them less than themselves. This is ignorance. Ronnie's son is an all American as Arizona State, Larron is one of the most respected people I know. We said that because he loved to ride horses, Larron was a white man trapped in a black mans body.

Archlord. I am still in contact with about 7-8 people who were in my kindergarten class. One is a teacher of 32 years, one is renowned artist and one is VP for CBS studio in LA. The rest of us are retired.

I am sorry this post is so long and rambly but I feel you don't give yourself enough credit. I hope someday you find what you are looking for. Because you deserve it. And I would say that to anyone who stays the course in defense of their choice.

[Rachel_Christina]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this, I always kind of looked up to you here as you looked so pretty and always looked to be having fun going out and stuff.
I too, am in the same boat, though I am not out, I moved abroad and since, not one person cared to message me.
I could have died six months ago and not one person would know.
It may not be for the same reason as you, as I never had a strong friend group atall, I didn't hang out with guys as I felt female, but I didn't hang out with girls as I thought the guys would bully me for that.
From your before pics you looked to have been the sporty cool type guy, maybe those type of friends just can't handle the changes in you. Its only a guess though, I may be totally wrong.
I had some odd ball friends and all ther friends wher too, they wher always accepted for being gay or any other sort of gender or sexual difference.
I tried to keep the odd cool car guy friends, this kept me safe from being spotted as an odd ball, of course when I come out I will loose them all :/
I hope you can find a wee group of friends, being lonely sucks :/
Hugs Christine

[KathyLauren]

Back when I still thought I was a guy, I had the loneliness problem.  There is no way I was comfortable with hanging out in bars, so that was out of the question.  I resolved to join two groups doing activities that were based on values I held dear.  I picked vegetarianism and hiking and joined groups dedicated to them.

I struck out on the vegetarian group (All those overweight foodies turned me off!), but I struck paydirt in the hiking group.  I was out in the mountains every weekend climbing mountains in the summer and cross-country skiing in the winter.  And, after a couple of years, I met my wife-to-be on the top of a mountain.

I am not suggesting that you take up those particular interests.  But the principle of joining groups that do stuff that you find fun, especially if it revolves around some of your core values, is a winning strategy.  The worst case is that you will spend time doing fun stuff with people who share the same interest.  Best case is that you meet interesting people who share your values.

[archlord]

@DawnOday  no i dont consider myself a trailbrazer, i consider myself an unlucky person who had to go through this . I am not proud of being trans this is an handicap that i would have avoided in any possible way.  As for education dregree i have 2  x 3 year+ diploma .. This is not a problem but i havent gone to school since transition and when i was going there as a guy i wasnt talking to anyone other then classmate and not seeing them other then in class.  When i was younger i had a lot of friend but at age 18  i decided to stop talking to everyone because i always felt wrong as myself and couldnt handle lying anymore so ive put myself into loneliness. I was going to gym 6 day per week , school , guitar and  computer to cope.  Here i am now at 25 year old, fully transitionned but ALONE cuz ive put myself into this situation... I just cant begin the "cascade" like Harley Quinn said because i dont have 1 friend to start with...  When thursday arrive i start to post on facebook that i want to go out and i dont get any invitation... Then Sunday 00:00 o'clock arrive and i start crying because i realise i did nothing and no one care of me.  Its been like that for months...

@ChristineRachel, Yes i think you are right about the type of friends i had not being able to handle the changes... Last years i spent all my time dedicated to bodybuilding and friends i had were all into that too... And friend i had before 18 years old were the "cool " type people of the school.. So many time i hated myself to be with them.. I wanted to be with the other group ( the girl group) But it would have been seen as "gay" and i would have been a reject and subject to harassment.  Those friends however have aged(matured) just like me and being "gay" or "trans" is not seen as when i was at school with them so i thought they would accept me . I however learned from my sister and some other people that those persons are asking information about me to them BUT NOT TO ME. WHY!?  Im not a monster.. im a beautiful woman that is just looking to have fun and to shine..


I have been working as escort until i had my SRS.. Some of you know and some arent but... this is reality .. i may reflect a transition success but ive been living a nightmare the whole time.. Being able to afford those surgeries had a price..  However.. when i was working here, i was with other trans people living the same thing as me ( working as escort) and it helped but then after that , when returning to real life ( i  was at work 6-7 day a week) i realised that since transition i havent done anything other then that and i dont know anything else..

Im dreaming of having a group of "cis gender woman" friends that i could go out with but i realise that at 25 years old... im to old for that... people at my age are buying house, getting into serious relationship, having kids etc.... im soooooooooooo not there ....... And i transitionned to old.... i missed all the good time 

[Jill E]

How am i supposed to deal with the fact that half  friends  i had removed me from facebook following when i came out 15 month ago  and that others were just to "respectful" to delete me for this reason but dont care about me.  There are a few girls that said they would help me when i came out but they ARENT HERE at all..  Ive been begging that im forever alone in facebook but none are inviting me...    I have 0 friend and im not able to make new one other then trans escorts....... i hate being trans so much... its not getting better even post everything

People tells me to go out but why would i.... everytime i go out i have some random mens that just want to sleep with me paying me drinks.. I want friends not a bf....  I cant go out and be like . HEYYY do you want to be my friend!? 

...

I usually find it difficult to not make at least a couple friends when volunteering or working someplace new. Maybe try part time work at Starbucks or volunteering some place meaningful to you (women's shelter, humane society, planned parenthood, etc.). The places I referenced are typically LGBT friendly places, in case you decide to share with new friends, and they might be worth trying.

I really hope you find some good friends. I lost a bunch when I came out too (including family). In hindsight I'm glad it happened, but was pretty depressed at the time. However, it allowed me to purge the sh*tty friends and meet some truly amazing people.

I'm not sure if you like gaming or are looking at online friends as well, but I've also met a bunch of people on Twitch - made a number of friends, dated a couple. Each channel usually has a different type of crowd too, so it's pretty easy to meet different types of people just by chatting and showing up to watch a particular stream regularly.

I hope this helps [emoji173]


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[Angela Drakken]

Oh honey, no. 
I'm sure this dead horse has been flogged over and over already by previous posts, but no friends is leaps and bounds better than fakes any day. I've lead a pretty internalized life, up til now, growing up I was always 'that guy' with all the girls for friends, who everyone hated. Everyone was jealous, and either called me a with HIV or a (homophobic expletive) I don't think I can fill one hand with the friends I still keep in touch with from back then who haven't gotten bored of me, or moved on, or whatever else. The ones I do have though? I'll prob lose them too in transition and coming out. Maybe not. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised. *fingers crossed.*
It deeply pains me to hear you had to 'pay your way' with the methods you have, that's heartbreaking, and sadly that is a reality for a lot of us. Rose colored glasses are off. It can get pretty damned horrible, it really can. Not everyone can be an internet celebrity with a million subscribers on youtube and have all the hardships just kept aside for someone else to have. Having lived this, and made it through WILL make you stronger. Trust me.
I understand the 'not wanting to exclusively have trans friends.' I have such sheer terror of going to support groups in the area, and realizing I just 'don't fit in' there either. Which can be a possibility, just because we all have one pretty massive thing in common, DOES NOT MEAN WE'RE ALL DESTINED TO BE A HAPPY LITTLE POSSE. I'll flat out say it, I expect most will outright hate me. Cis women oftentimes outright hate each other too. My girlfriend struggles with not having any friends either, and shes a super pretty and sweet girl, it BAFFLES MY MIND. These problems aren't exclusive to being trans, or even exclusive to being a woman. But it CAN be fixed if you want it.
(anti)social media, isn't anything to lose sleep over, don't worry if a few mouth breathers deleted you, or blocked you, or just flat out 'took the high road' and severed contact. (I don't see that being very morally above the previous options? whatever makes them sleep better at night, I guess.)

I know you probably hurt like hell, and I can't blame you. I get it. The last thing you probably want is some complete stranger throwing cliche after cliche after cliche at you about 'it gets better.' But, it does, it will, and you will. Honestly girl, like you said, you're done. You're a knockout. Too old? give your head a shake lol

I don't know about the places you're trying to meet people, I do get the frustration of people only wanting a piece of you, or something you have to offer, perhaps it's time to step outside that comfort zone, outside of what comes easy. Go to a rock and bowl, mini putting, hell, go to a movie. Treat yourself, spoil yourself. If you can have fun alone, people are drawn to that. The RIGHT sort of people. Hell, I've gone to 'all nighter' laser tag events all by myself, and left with like 20 people chasing after me to join their club and I wasn't even trying to make friends.
(I'm actually a pretty unlikable person, so if I can, you can do better, much better.) Completely spontaneous.

Just live. Hell, even try going back to school? It couldn't hurt to try and get away from 'escorting.' Hang out in the computer commons. Go to the gyms at the school instead of where you usually go. Anything to get out of that rut.
I can't quite tell, but where are you from? Even your typing seems to have an accent. (I'm truly sorry if this is impolite, I have no filter.) If English is a second language, that could also be another hurdle, but a surpassable one none the less. If not? and you're just speed typing and frustrated, maybe learn a new language? Why not? Add another course on if you want. People do that all the time, I think?

Maybe I'm just babbling.

You can call me an idiot if you like, but a wise person once said to a friend of mine from a long ways back who was having a lot of problems this way; 'Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself?' The answer to both of these was no. So he replied 'Then why the (expletive) should anybody else?' I think it was a tough love moment but it broke him out of his funk.

I too get frustrated at the whole mass of young people *RACING* to get married, get in debt (buy a house? In Canada its financial suicide right now imo.) and pop out kids like the world is ending tomorrow. It's not. Live. Get wild. (Within reason lol) Nobody's standing there with a stop watch waiting for you to hit the finish line. Do you.
I'm sure you can find plenty of other things to talk to other women about. (I'm not going to bother differentiating cis or trans, it's pointless to me.) And if that's all they want to talk about, they're probably boring and not worth knowing anyway, that's what small talk is for.

Go easy on yourself, it's everyone else's loss, not yours. You've been through so much. Pat on the back. I'ma end this novel here. lol

[Inarasarah]

I can only speak for myself, but about 4 years after I transitioned, I sort of stopped the support groups and really just hung out with my close friends, at that time most were trans--we had gone through transition together.  Then over the few years following this, I started playing roller derby, and met a whole group of new people, all cis-women.  This new group became my close friends over the last 9 years, and while I am still in touch with my "old" friends, we tend not do a lot together, other than the occasional dinner invite. 

My best friend right now is my team mate and former co-captain (I just stepped down from the role).  She is the person that I call when I am bored, want to hang out, need to b*tch about something, or simply talk.  She is not T, and while she knows I am, it is a primary aspect of our realtionship.  I found that just joining something that allowed me to live and do things as any other cis-gendered person did, I was able to just make friends and have a "normal" life.  On a side note, the friend I referenced above is going with me on my trip to Yeson next month.

I belong to a fiercly loyal team and we all have each others backs and we each are as catty as schoolgirls a lot of the time.  They rejuvenate me, and the make me feel like I have a home.  I am not sure what works for others, but I have found that just starting somewhere opens doors that expand friendships and build long term relationships.  Last night was my first night volunteering and the local underground wrestling club.  I already knew a bunch of them, but I managed to make a few more connections by just helping another friend sell merchandise. 

Now I am a VERY outgoing person, who will pretty much talk to anyone, and one of my old friends from my transition days commented that I knew everyone.  Well I don't exactly know everybody, but I do try to make enough of an impact that people always remember me.

Archlord, never give up faith, find something and just go with it.  I am sure you will be amazed at how your world grows.  Friends come and go, and sometimes, you just have to let go of the old ones so you can move on to the new ones.   <3

Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope it does, even a little bit
-Sarah

[JMJW]

"Getting out there" Or "Getting out into the world" doesn't really mean anything. It's just an empty tautology.

You can try to fill up the solitary time with interests like writing and so on. But I'm guessing you didn't transition as well as you did only to stay behind closed doors.

I'm surprised you're not a personal trainer actually. You're in shape, got a bodybuilding background so you know your way around a gym and got a model look.  You'd make girl friends easily if you were training them for a living. 

The other option is to build bridges with the people on facebook you mentioned. They asking about you through proxies shows they still care, but it's a very human thing to assume that drastic changes in appearance must reflect drastic changes in personality. Unless you have a friend who's been with you for decades, it's tough to see past the exterior. It's much easier to rekindle friendships than to start from scratch.

Don't bother with nightclubs. They suck as a means to make friends. (And they were absymal as a means for me to get laid ahah)

[Michelle_P]

I'm an older person, I'll freely admit that in advance.  I'm in group therapy, and in a trans social support group.  Honestly, though, I sometimes feel like I'm the sane one in the crowd sometimes, and when I can find conversations, I'd rather then not be about trans issues, or shoe shopping, or which store is offering the next round of free makeovers.  (Seriously.  I made the mistake of saying I wasn't interested in getting another makeover, and the others were taken aback.)

I'd like to enjoy social contact with other people, as people.  Not transpeople, not as the object of discussion about transpeople.  I've been craving just ordinary human interaction and conversation.

So, here's what I did.  Not suitable for everyone, obviously, but it's working for me.  I tried attending a Unitarian Universalist church.  See, my atheist father-in-law was on the board of a UU church.  He was cantankerous, argumentative, and brilliant, and he apparently fit right in.  I really liked him, and missed him when he passed away.  I thought that perhaps there were others like him there, and when I found there was a church here in town, I tried it.

Yup, lots of like-minded folks, no catechism to memorize, or 15,000 point ideology to be adhered to or go to hell,  just good people concerned about being better people and helping others.  OK, I can hang out here and see what happens.

What happens is that after several weeks, I know dozens of people, go out to breakfast with some, get into long-winded discussions with others, and generally have acquired a social life.  It looks like a group of us will be doing lunch and a movie next Thursday.

There are officially organized group events, and unofficial ones that just form.  There are classes.  Improv, anyone?  Yoga.  Meditation. 

Even better, I'm getting back to my old activist roots, comforting the afflicted and afflicting the comfortable. 

Loneliness isn't an issue any more.

(Yeah, I know.  It's a bunch of old lady stuff.  No beer pong.  Works for me.)


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[Clone 0101]

I think the sad part about being trans is so much is focused on just that. I can completely understand why you want to have friends where that isn't the only thing that connects you. Also try and remember too not to let that separate you from others. I find it very hard to make friends outside of the escorting world and tbh I find nothing is relatable to these girls for me other than escorting. I spend all my time pretty much with my boyfriend and some time with women I have met that I don't even tell what I do for work too. I have found it easiest to be friends with lesbians.

[Rachel_Christina]

Its sad, we chosse the easy path back then to avoid any abuse, and it comes back to haunt us. We'v all pretty much did it in one way or another. Look at those who managed to do it till 50.
Ther are certain type circles that would have been easier, I had my chance and let it slip. Now I do feel the earie quiet of loneliness sad'n me.
We will get ther, you will get ther, its a matter a Patience and time.
Your in a great position in that you are mostly finished with the bother of transition.
You never know who could be your friend too, give people a chance too

[Raell]

I think just being transgender can bring loneliness, in a way..especially before you come out to yourself, or transition enough to get rid of dysphoria.

It's the feeling that, unlike those around you, who seem perfectly comfortable in their skins and their social roles, you feel uneasy, like you are faking it, that things aren't right. Why don't I feel the way the others do?

Before you understand what's going on, or before you do anything about it, you can feel isolated, misunderstood, feel like you're the only one who feels that way, wonder what's wrong with YOU.

Even when you have transitioned and are surrounded by friends, etc., there can be an element of knowing that others don't get what it's like for you.

[LShipley]

Find a new part time job that has low time requirements that you can treat almost like a hobby to meet other people. Try reaching out to those few girls who said they would be there.

I thought it was hard as a guy to make friends once you've left school, but it is definitely harder now. I think standards are higher too, you don't want to let in a jerk now

Other than that...  I use 420 to deal with lonliness.

Pick up hobbies, maybe a college class or two on something interesting at the local community college. Go to event nights. Music festivals and burns are GREAT because they are all accepting and the women are almost all trans friendly at the burns since they have other trans friends

And.. connect on online forums like this 😃

[staciM]

Archlord, others have given you some wonderful advice....try a new hobby, go to new places etc.   If you allow, let me add another component to meeting friends. 

There is no doubt you are a young beautiful woman, but that can sometimes be your biggest detriment.  We woman can be quite catty, jealous, protective of our current groups/friendships and like men, have alpha/non-alpha hierarchy.  I (we) don't know the real you, we see the wonderful progression and pictures but what is your personality like?  Give us some insight into the real YOU, apart from your obvious external beauty.  Are you typically friendly, caring, bubbly, approachable or a "listener" or can you come off cold, moody, intense or dominant? 

Woman have good instincts about people when meeting new friends, is there a chance you are putting out the wrong vibe?